Benjamin Franklin Apologizes for One of the Most Popular Phrases in the Declaration of Independence

NEW YORK CITY NY (DDP) — American Founding Father Benjamin Franklin – who recently traveled through time when a fifth-grader accidentally circumvented nature – made his first appearance nationally televised appearance yesterday.

Franklin appeared on Fox & Friends yesterday during its second hour and answered questions regarding what the Founding Fathers’ vision for the nation had been, as well as Franklin’s perception of the vision’s fulfillment.

At times, the Founder became visibly agitated by some of the questions, and occasionally shouted expletives that had to be deleted. The most explosive moment occurred when he was asked if the Constitution the Founders had left us had been properly obeyed throughout the generations.

The statesman responded by staring blankly at the news personalities for several seconds before suddenly kicking the small z-shaped “coffee” table with such force that it was propelled off-stage.

He then jumped upon a couch and shouted, “”The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government — lest it come to dominate our lives and interests!”

As the started news personalities watched, Franklin began to rent his hair as he continued shouting, ““When the American Spirit was in its youth, the language of America was different; Liberty, sir, was then the primary object!”

After an abrupt commercial break, Fox & Friends returned. Although Franklin still appeared rather red-faced, he was otherwise sitting calmly.

The statesman’s most controversial quote occurred when asked if there was any part of early American history he wished he could change.

Hanging his head, he replied, “Kind friend, there is indeed; that being, the phrase mine good friend Jefferson did write as the pursuit of Happiness in the wonderful Declaration of Independence.

“I fear that we did leave the generations to believe that happiness is attainable by straining to directly grab hold of it. Rather, it exists only as a by-product of pursuing other worthy goals: excellence in one’s work which then earns one recognition or monetary gain, achieving beauty in a garden where once only weeds and dirt did exist, or bringing an airy, winsome melody from the wood and ivory that is a piano. All are fine examples of worthy activities from which happiness may result as a by-product.”

Shaking his head, Franklin then added, “I fear that the pursuit of Happiness phraseology mayhap been better written as the unalienable right to pursue one’s goals or purpose in liberty and in peace. It does seem that the most abhorrent misinterpretation of the phraseology – the right of a mother to end an unborn child’s birth in pursuit of her own happiness being the most prominent example that does spring to mine memory – may have been avoided had we but foreseen the ever softening generations to come.”

When Franklin was then asked if he thought the current generation of Americans would attempt to return to the original laws of the land if a Founding Father reappeared and asked them to, he replied, “It is natural to man to indulge in the illusions of hope.”

He then shook his head again before concluding, “I cannot see that this generation would listen even if mine most admirable friend George Washington did return to plead with them in person. They are apt to shut their eyes against a painful truth, and listen to the song of that siren till she transforms us into beasts.”

The blogosphere has erupted in the wake of Franklin’s comments.

© Amber Ferguson

Most of Franklin’s comments were actually said by Patrick Henry. I changed them slightly so they would better fit this fictional post.

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

Fifth Grader Invents Time Machine; Benjamin Franklin Fined for Profanity

BOSTON MA (DDP) — A Boston couple is in jail today because their ten-year-old received an injury while accidentally circumventing nature.

A representative for the District Attorney’s office had this to say in a brief press conference, “While children are certainly allowed a certain amount of freedom, parents are responsible for making sure they are constantly watched whenever they’re not in custody of a school.

“In this case, the parents weren’t watching their son at all, or he never would have fallen through a mirror and bruised a pinky tip. It’s a clear case of child abuse by neglect.”

The mother claims she only turned her back on the preteen for a few minutes when he accidentally placed two mirrors at the correct angle required to cause an episode of infinity to occur.

In an exclusive interview with the Depressed, she said, “I left my purse with him in an empty dressing room so that I could try on a couple of dresses. He must have gotten bored, because he took out my hand mirror and goofed around with it a little, and then propped it up in a corner across from the dressing room mirror. Apparently, still bored, he started practicing standing on his head.”

Investigators say that was when the boy lost his balance and fell through the looking glass, landing in 1766 Colonial America directly on top of Benjamin Franklin’s desk as he was preparing to appear before the English House of Commons to support repeal of the Stamp Act.

When the boy told Franklin, historically known to dabble in the sciences, the events that had led up to him splatting onto the elder statesman’s paperwork, Franklin immediately set up two mirrors and began standing on his own head in an attempt to recreate the process. He told investigators that it took approximately 27 tries to angle the mirrors properly, but also warned them to cancel the upcoming year of 2014, due to a massive tropical hurricane that is going to hit Minnesota in December.

The boy told investigators that, when Franklin first arrived in the current gen timeframe, he seemed initially excited by many of the modern technological advancements; his first act of commerce was to purchase a Strawberries & Crème Frappuccino from a Starbucks, followed by a dozen Raisin Bran Muffins at a Honey Dew Donuts outlet.

When Franklin recovered from his stomachache, he then reviewed the receipts and became outraged. After exclaiming over the 6.25 percent sales tax, he jumped up on a table and shouted, “There is scarce a king in a hundred who would not, if he could, follow the example of Pharaoh, get first all the peoples money, then all their lands, and then make them and their children servants for ever …” before turning to the Honey Dew manager and demanding to know if the Constitution had changed.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, the manager said, “When I told him that I had no idea what the Constitution says, he asked me where I was born. When I told him I was a proud American, he turned purple and started throwing things! He hit me in the face with a Chocolate Jelly Stick, and then nailed my assistant manager with a Pistachio Muffin right in the belly!”

The manager is suing Franklin in a civil suit.

The incident took place in a Middleboro donut establishment, where a city councilman was snacking on a Cinnamon Dew Drop. When Franklin slipped on a spilled beverage and banged his knee, he muttered an expletive we’ve deleted and was fined for profanity on the spot.

Investigators recreating the boy’s mistaken scientific discovery have confirmed that it is possible to gallivant through time by looking at infinity upside down, causing Congress to convene an emergency session to regulate it as interstate travel. Meanwhile, the D.A.’s office is looking into possible charges against Franklin for violating the “Village Protection of Our Children Act,” recently passed by Congress.

Franklin, who went back in time to get his Stamp Act paperwork, has returned and is preparing an appeal.

© Amber Ferguson

There is no Starbucks in Middleboro.

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

HOOEE Attacks Lakewood Church; Says, “We Don’t Want the Backtalk the Evolutionists Had”

HOUSTON TX (DDP) — A national group of scholars known as the Historical Observation Organization Effectively Educating (HOOEE) filed a civil suit against Lakewood Church late yesterday because the organization believes that the minister failed to tell his congregation that aliens saved the Israelites of the Bible.

In a brief press conference held just minutes after the suit was filed, a spokesperson for HOOEE said, “This is an important scientific discovery. We decided a little offense was going to be the best defense against any possible argument from the evangelical factions. We’re going after Lakewood first because it’s one of the megachurches. If we can shut it up, hopefully, the smaller ones will follow suit.”

He continued, “The evolutionists apparently didn’t anticipate backlash when they explained how life began on earth. They got the scientifically-proven clarification into the schools and thought that was the end of it; unfortunately, a few of the school kids came from Christian homes, and they started arguing practically from day one.”

He concluded, “As a matter of fact, they’re still arguing.”

The Depressed contacted one of the original evolutionists, who told us in an exclusive telephone interview, “Yes, we should have practiced a little more preventative measures. We didn’t expect the backlash. While we managed to correct all the public school textbooks, both the Protestants and the Catholics argued like crazy. Worse, then the homeschooling movement took off!

“People need to finally, finally accept on faith that we’re correct in saying that a rodent-like mammal lost its ability to run on its legs and catch prey, but then grew wings and developed sonar to help it catch prey, without dying from starvation over the couple of centuries required for the transformation to take place.”

HOOEE filed the lawsuit because Lakewood’s policy is to believe in the Bible, which states that a god rained down manna (bread) from heaven, preventing the original Israelites from starving while they wandered aimlessly in a desert for forty years.

HOOEE disputes the Biblical account as being merely a legend, and reports that it was aliens who saved the Israelites instead; that is, the aliens noticed the wanderers and, worried that they might indeed starve, provided a breadmaker for the Israelites.

In response, Lakewood, issued this press announcement:

“While the historians might not believe in a merciful God, the alien assumption doesn’t explain how the aliens kept the Israelites’ shoes from wearing out for forty years.

They also failed to explain how the aliens got the people across the Red Sea, or how they could have halted the waters in the Jordon River.”

When contacted by the Depressed, an anonymous spokesperson for HOOEE said, “Yes, that’s exactly the kind of sass we were afraid of.”

Lakewood’s pastor, Joel Osteen, who was recently the victim of a massive Internet hoax, was unavailable for comment.

Editor’s Note: A group of Depressed fact checkers studied the Biblical account and verified Lakewood’s assertions; however, two of the fact checkers were suspended after they became curious about the text in Revelation and converted to Christianity.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

Freedom Bunker

I’ve been added as a columnist to the website Freedom Bunker, where I intend to express my conservative viewpoint in a more direct manner. You can find my work under “Chickwriter.”

Besides my rambling, there is a handful of other conservative columnists with very engaging, eye-opening opinions. Issues range from gun control to foreign policy to property rights, all of which I avoid in this blog. The site is worth a look.

Wishing you the best!

 

High School Principal Receives Death Sentence for Treating High School Students Like Adults

ABILENE, TX (DDP) – Pat Henry, the Texas principal convicted last Friday of Crimes Against the State, Subversive Intent and multiple counts of Brainwashing a Minor, was sentenced to death yesterday.

The controversial educator was transferred to Abilene High School in Abilene, Texas after the school received an “Academically Unacceptable” rating in 2010 from the state’s board of education, the Texas Education Agency (TEA). In just one year under Henry’s tenure, the institution so dramatically turned around that it received a rating of  “Exemplary,” the highest rating given by the TEA.

After it was discovered that the dropout rate had decreased to absolute zero under Henry’s tenure, an anonymous source working in the Abilene school district notified the TEA that the students had actually enjoyed attending school the past year. When the TEA began investigating the shocking allegation, a second informer told the TEA that at least 25 seniors had actually cried on their last day of public school.

When the TEA discovered that two of the seniors had tried to break into the school’s computer database to modify their school records so that it would appear they had flunked their last year, Henry was immediately arrested and brought before a disciplinary panel for interrogation.

Henry initially tried to avoid answering any questions regarding why the students enjoyed attending school, but under intense questioning, he admitted to the panel of inquisitors that he had treated the students like adults, causing the TEA to promptly file charges.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, Henry said, “I’m an adult myself, and so are my friends. If anyone tried to tell us when we could go to the john, we’d probably feel a bit rebellious too.

“I figured if I stopped trying to control my students like we have to contain kindergartners, they’d stop behaving like rebellious children. If the tables were turned, wouldn’t you?”

After a brief pause during which it seemed that Henry was trying to regain his composure, he added, “I-I thought my idea was working. No one dropped out. Over 80 percent of all the students made the honor roll. I wasn’t worried until the seniors all voluntarily went out and got jobs.

“But, it wasn’t until they built a well for an Ethiopian village that I had to admit I’d started a snowball, and it was gathering speed something awful. Most adults won’t do something like that! How was I supposed to know that if you respectfully challenge teenagers, they’re so energetic they just might surprise you?”

The Depressed learned that, in early autumn last year (some nine months before the seniors’ shockingly selfless endeavor), Henry had called a school assembly and informed the students that they were actually adults already.

The most serious of the charges, multiple counts of Brainwashing a Minor, were imposed because the principal tried to reclassify attending classes as “work.” As the school year progressed, Henry reclassified the classrooms as “work spaces,” the school curricula as “projects” and report cards as “student evaluations.”

By March, the students no longer were under a mandatory dress code, but had begun to dress in what Henry had by then classified as “business casual.” Two of the jurors admitted, however, that it was because Henry had installed water coolers where he allowed the students to chat quietly that they’d given him the death sentence.

The Depressed recently uncovered evidence that, after the seniors’ Ethiopian caper, Henry had tried to slow their efforts by imposing so much homework that the students would have to quit their jobs. Unfortunately for Henry, the seniors responded by rising to the challenge of the new responsibility (at least 63 percent actually received raises from their employers during that time), causing the junior class to request additional responsibilities as well.

Henry had then issued a mandatory naptime after lunch for the students; however, most of the hard-working students welcomed the nap.

In his growing desperation to make gainful employment unattractive to the seniors, the principal then approached the Abilene city council with the proposition that a mandatory curfew be imposed on anyone under 18, the violation of which would incur a $5,000 fine. Henry’s bad luck continued when two of the council members announced that their geriatric mothers were better off now that several of the seniors were working as personal caregivers at the local Alzheimer’s facility where the women lived.

Henry is being held at the Polunsky Unit outside of Livingston, Texas, where he has already appealed his sentence in a case that is expected to reach the Supreme Court. Lobbyists for the state are reportedly already on their way from Germany, and are preparing to testify before the Court that students from kindergarten through high school must be uniformly controlled by the state in order to become good citizens.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

Congress Cancels the Weather

WASHINGTON DC (DDP) — Because it might interfere with national media coverage of President Obama, Congress has cancelled the weather.

In a typically partisan press conference late yesterday, Democrat President Barack Obama, along with other prominent Party members, called upon the Senate to follow in the footsteps of the House and vote in favor of the cancellation.

“Hurricanes distract people enough,” President Obama said. “But when you combine those coming this summer with blizzards or wildfires or droughts, the media just can’t seem to stay focused on my plan to turn American into a socialist nation. You know, so we can be just like Great Britain, who we once rebelled against.”

California Representative Diane Feinstein agreed. “It’s a shocking situation. Just last month, only two AP reporters showed up when California tried to prosecute a homeschooling mother. And, so help me, they were interns. All because of a few little snowstorms, and some other small unusual weather events.”

Obama concurred. “The American people do not want to be distracted from admiring one of the most important Presidents in our nation’s history by any additional weather.”

Democrat Minority Speaker Nancy Pelosi of California helped push the measure through the House last Friday, claiming, “If the majority of the House won’t do something to stop nature then we will.”

In a short speech after the vote, fellow party member Sheila Jackson-Lee of Texas agreed. “If the American people want to see ice, they can buy an icetray. If they want air, they can turn on a fan. If this Congress were more in tune with the American people they claim to lead, they would understand that.”

Fuel prices soured immediately after the resolution was passed.

Several Republicans jumped sides of the aisle and voted in favor of the measure after an amendment to cancel autumn itself was added.

The amendment is the most controversial aspect of the bill. A new poll published by the Wall Street Journal and Forbes reflects a significant number of Americans are unhappy with the cancellation of autumn. Sixty-eight percent of respondents believe the measure will carry over into winter, resulting in no Santa Claus this year.

President Obama held a held a five-star, lobster and champagne reception after the press conference where he told admiring reporters, “If this measure passes the Senate, I will sign it. The American people expect this government to control their seasonings. I mean seasons.”

Several partygoers reported that the President’s food taster was on site, and that the President dined alongside his guests.

Former Vice President and Presidential contender Al Gore is currently conducting research regarding the effects of the resolution on global warming. When the Depressed caught up to him outside the Capital, he said, “If we can get the European Union to come on board with us, we just might have something. As soon as we download the latest version of PowerPoint, I’ll get back to you.”

The Senate is expected to pass the resolution.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

This column was previously published in the Huntsville Item, The Daily Mooch, and New Christian Voices. It has been updated for the current political climate. Copyright retained by the author.

RESETTING THE DEPRESSED

If you’ve been following this blog, please forgive me, but I’m going to have to reset it and start from the beginning.

The Disassociated Depressed has always been a personal pet project close to my heart. Several things, ranging from those that were nice to those filled with indescribable horror, have happened since early last August that have caused me to shy away from writing it, and/or have sent the plot off in a direction the story cannot recover from.

I’m going to start from the beginning, reposting some of the original writing (after correcting a few at times), deleting undesirable posts, and inserting new ones whenever necessary.

I’m really sorry, both for the long hiatus and the need to reset it, but I’ve been thinking about this weeks and I see no other real alternative.

If you’re still with me, thanks! Thanks very, very, very much.