WASHINGTON, DC (DDP) – The cloning taskforce recently commissioned by Congress to fulfill the Future Americans Replenishment Mandate (FARM), announced yesterday that its first human cloning experiment produced a near-perfect duplicate.
In a brief press conference, the spokesman and chairman of FARM, Lew R.O. George, announced the project’s results before a packed audience, which included reporters from all major national media outlets.
He said, “Originally, were concerned about the viability of finding Americans who would agree to allow themselves to be copied like an insignificant memo. But to our delight, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton agreed, shortly after meeting with member of Congress and other top cabinet officials.”
When asked whether Mrs. Clinton’s agreement was tied to a closed-door session she had with the President earlier this year, George declined to answer the question.
He said, “No one from our staff was present at that meeting; however, it is possible that Congressional representatives emphasized the importance of producing a new generation of liberals via cloning just to even up the future voters, due to the inherent fact that liberals abort future voters at a rate of approximately three-to-one over conservatives.”
When asked if genetically-farming future voters was legal under the Constitution, he said, “That question should be addressed to someone with a higher pay grade than mine. Margaret Sanger, for instance.”
George then presented a PowerPoint presentation that detailed the cloning process. He said, “We achieved an exact duplicate of Mrs. Clinton. The clone is a true photocopy.”
He added, “At least physically.”
He then fainted.
After medical personnel dragged the unconscious chairman from the podium, his assistant stepped up and said, “Physically, AlphaHera is indeed, theoretically, a flawless genetic copy of Mrs. Clinton.
“The clone retained every iota of the Secretary’s memories and education; however, her ability to distinguish right from wrong and good from evil, or her soul, as some prefer to call it, well – she does seem to have her own personality.”
He added, “And it’s not a perfect copy,” and then fainted as well.
In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed as he recovered in the hospital, the assistant said, “Congress has not authorized me to believe in the existence of a soul, nor can I provide any further details since this is an ongoing disas–I mean, project. Mr. George may provide you with more information if he recovers.”
A former FARM taskforce member has confirmed that the ideologies of Mrs. Clinton’s clone, AlphaHera, bear little resemblance to that of Mrs. Clinton herself. He admitted that AlphaHera’s first act after coming to life was to salute the flag and sing ‘God Bless America. She then took a long bubble bath while listening to country and western music.
The anonymous source said, “Afterward, she demanded a television and Internet in her room. Security cameras caught her watching The O’Reilly Factor her very first night. By her third day of life, she had progressed to viewing the really hard-core conservatives, such as Hannity or Huckabee. Then we found out she had googled Sarah Palin! She didn’t even try to hide it.”
He continued, “Toward the end of the second week, George himself walked into the staffroom and found the clone baking cookies in a toaster oven. He freaked, man. He just freaked! He started firing people right and left, and then he threw the phone – the red phone, man – across the room. Then he stomped on her cookies and tore up all her recipes. It was just chaos. Somewhere in the middle of all that, the clone disappeared.”
Another anonymous source inside FARM told the Depressed that the cloning experiment had been completed six-weeks before the press conference was held yesterday, but was kept tightly-guarded due to the unexpected personality exhibited by Mrs. Clinton’s genetic twin.
The taskforce released the results to protect AlphaHera herself, after she wandered into an East Texas bar late last week and was attacked by three rednecks, who mistook her for the former First Lady, and believed she was there to “finally take our guns.”
Although the three were arrested on charges of first-degree stupidity and failure to stop and think things through, the clone has not been seen since.
* Editor’s note: Because the Depressed archives are becoming so extensive, please refer to the new Timeline page in order to catch up to this point.
Note: THIS IS A SPOOF. IT IS FICTION. IT DID NOT HAPPEN, AND IS MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.
This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.