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Fifth Grader Invents Time Machine; Benjamin Franklin Fined for Profanity

Time-Travel-and-Benjamin-Franklin-Amber-FergusonBOSTON MA (DDP) — A Boston couple is in jail today because their ten-year-old received an injury while accidentally circumventing nature.

A representative for the District Attorney’s office had this to say in a brief press conference, “While children are certainly allowed a certain amount of freedom, parents are responsible for making sure they are constantly watched whenever they’re not in custody of a school.

“In this case, the parents weren’t watching their son at all, or he never would have fallen through a mirror and bruised a pinky tip. It’s a clear case of child abuse by neglect.”

The mother claims she only turned her back on the preteen for a few minutes when he accidentally placed two mirrors at the correct angle required to cause an episode of infinity to occur.

In an exclusive interview with the Depressed, she said, “I left my purse with him in an empty dressing room so that I could try on a couple of dresses. He must have gotten bored, because he took out my hand mirror and goofed around with it a little, and then propped it up in a corner across from the dressing room mirror. Apparently, still bored, he started practicing standing on his head.”

Investigators say that was when the boy lost his balance and fell through the looking glass, landing in 1766 Colonial America directly on top of Benjamin Franklin’s desk as he was preparing to appear before the English House of Commons to support repeal of the Stamp Act.

When the boy told Franklin, historically known to dabble in the sciences, the events that had led up to him splatting onto the elder statesman’s paperwork, Franklin immediately set up two mirrors and began standing on his own head in an attempt to recreate the process. He told investigators that it took approximately 27 tries to angle the mirrors properly, but also warned them to cancel the upcoming year of 2014, due to a massive tropical hurricane that is going to hit Minnesota in December.

The boy told investigators that, when Franklin first arrived in the current gen timeframe, he seemed initially excited by many of the modern technological advancements; his first act of commerce was to purchase a Strawberries & Crème Frappuccino from a Starbucks, followed by a dozen Raisin Bran Muffins at a Honey Dew Donuts outlet.

When Franklin recovered from his stomachache, he then reviewed the receipts and became outraged. After exclaiming over the 6.25 percent sales tax, he jumped up on a table and shouted, “There is scarce a king in a hundred who would not, if he could, follow the example of Pharaoh, get first all the peoples money, then all their lands, and then make them and their children servants for ever …” before turning to the Honey Dew manager and demanding to know if the Constitution had changed.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, the manager said, “When I told him that I had no idea what the Constitution says, he asked me where I was born. When I told him I was a proud American, he turned purple and started throwing things! He hit me in the face with a Chocolate Jelly Stick, and then nailed my assistant manager with a Pistachio Muffin right in the belly!”

The manager is suing Franklin in a civil suit.

The incident took place in a Middleboro donut establishment, where a city councilman was snacking on a Cinnamon Dew Drop. When Franklin slipped on a spilled beverage and banged his knee, he muttered an expletive we’ve deleted and was fined for profanity on the spot.

Investigators recreating the boy’s mistaken scientific discovery have confirmed that it is possible to gallivant through time by looking at infinity upside down, causing Congress to convene an emergency session to regulate it as interstate travel. Meanwhile, the D.A.’s office is looking into possible charges against Franklin for violating the “Village Protection of Our Children Act,” recently passed by Congress.

Franklin, who went back in time to get his Stamp Act paperwork, has returned and is preparing an appeal.

© Amber Ferguson

There is no Starbucks in Middleboro.

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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HOOEE Attacks Lakewood Church; Says, “We Don’t Want the Backtalk the Evolutionists Had”

Aliens-and-the-Israelites-Disassociated-DepressedHOUSTON TX (DDP) — A national group of scholars known as the Historical Observation Organization Effectively Educating (HOOEE) filed a civil suit against Lakewood Church late yesterday because the organization believes that the minister failed to tell his congregation that aliens saved the Israelites of the Bible.

In a brief press conference held just minutes after the suit was filed, a spokesperson for HOOEE said, “This is an important scientific discovery. We decided a little offense was going to be the best defense against any possible argument from the evangelical factions. We’re going after Lakewood first because it’s one of the megachurches. If we can shut it up, hopefully, the smaller ones will follow suit.”

He continued, “The evolutionists apparently didn’t anticipate backlash when they explained how life began on earth. They got the scientifically-proven clarification into the schools and thought that was the end of it; unfortunately, a few of the school kids came from Christian homes, and they started arguing practically from day one.”

He concluded, “As a matter of fact, they’re still arguing.”

The Depressed contacted one of the original evolutionists, who told us in an exclusive telephone interview, “Yes, we should have practiced a little more preventative measures. We didn’t expect the backlash. While we managed to correct all the public school textbooks, both the Protestants and the Catholics argued like crazy. Worse, then the homeschooling movement took off!

“People need to finally, finally accept on faith that we’re correct in saying that a rodent-like mammal lost its ability to run on its legs and catch prey, but then grew wings and developed sonar to help it catch prey, without dying from starvation over the couple of centuries required for the transformation to take place.”

HOOEE filed the lawsuit because Lakewood’s policy is to believe in the Bible, which states that a god rained down manna (bread) from heaven, preventing the original Israelites from starving while they wandered aimlessly in a desert for forty years.

HOOEE disputes the Biblical account as being merely a legend, and reports that it was aliens who saved the Israelites instead; that is, the aliens noticed the wanderers and, worried that they might indeed starve, provided a breadmaker for the Israelites.

In response, Lakewood, issued this press announcement:

“While the historians might not believe in a merciful God, the alien assumption doesn’t explain how the aliens kept the Israelites’ shoes from wearing out for forty years.

They also failed to explain how the aliens got the people across the Red Sea, or how they could have halted the waters in the Jordon River.”

When contacted by the Depressed, an anonymous spokesperson for HOOEE said, “Yes, that’s exactly the kind of sass we were afraid of.”

Lakewood’s pastor, Joel Osteen, who was recently the victim of a massive Internet hoax, was unavailable for comment.

Editor’s Note: A group of Depressed fact checkers studied the Biblical account and verified Lakewood’s assertions; however, two of the fact checkers were suspended after they became curious about the text in Revelation and converted to Christianity.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Freedom Bunker

I’ve been added as a columnist to the website Freedom Bunker, where I intend to express my conservative viewpoint in a more direct manner. You can find my work under “Chickwriter.”

Besides my rambling, there is a handful of other conservative columnists with very engaging, eye-opening opinions. Issues range from gun control to foreign policy to property rights, all of which I avoid in this blog. The site is worth a look.

Wishing you the best!