Fifth Grader Invents Time Machine; Benjamin Franklin Fined for Profanity

Time-Travel-and-Benjamin-Franklin-Amber-FergusonBOSTON MA (DDP) — A Boston couple is in jail today because their ten-year-old received an injury while accidentally circumventing nature.

A representative for the District Attorney’s office had this to say in a brief press conference, “While children are certainly allowed a certain amount of freedom, parents are responsible for making sure they are constantly watched whenever they’re not in custody of a school.

“In this case, the parents weren’t watching their son at all, or he never would have fallen through a mirror and bruised a pinky tip. It’s a clear case of child abuse by neglect.”

The mother claims she only turned her back on the preteen for a few minutes when he accidentally placed two mirrors at the correct angle required to cause an episode of infinity to occur.

In an exclusive interview with the Depressed, she said, “I left my purse with him in an empty dressing room so that I could try on a couple of dresses. He must have gotten bored, because he took out my hand mirror and goofed around with it a little, and then propped it up in a corner across from the dressing room mirror. Apparently, still bored, he started practicing standing on his head.”

Investigators say that was when the boy lost his balance and fell through the looking glass, landing in 1766 Colonial America directly on top of Benjamin Franklin’s desk as he was preparing to appear before the English House of Commons to support repeal of the Stamp Act.

When the boy told Franklin, historically known to dabble in the sciences, the events that had led up to him splatting onto the elder statesman’s paperwork, Franklin immediately set up two mirrors and began standing on his own head in an attempt to recreate the process. He told investigators that it took approximately 27 tries to angle the mirrors properly, but also warned them to cancel the upcoming year of 2014, due to a massive tropical hurricane that is going to hit Minnesota in December.

The boy told investigators that, when Franklin first arrived in the current gen timeframe, he seemed initially excited by many of the modern technological advancements; his first act of commerce was to purchase a Strawberries & Crème Frappuccino from a Starbucks, followed by a dozen Raisin Bran Muffins at a Honey Dew Donuts outlet.

When Franklin recovered from his stomachache, he then reviewed the receipts and became outraged. After exclaiming over the 6.25 percent sales tax, he jumped up on a table and shouted, “There is scarce a king in a hundred who would not, if he could, follow the example of Pharaoh, get first all the peoples money, then all their lands, and then make them and their children servants for ever …” before turning to the Honey Dew manager and demanding to know if the Constitution had changed.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, the manager said, “When I told him that I had no idea what the Constitution says, he asked me where I was born. When I told him I was a proud American, he turned purple and started throwing things! He hit me in the face with a Chocolate Jelly Stick, and then nailed my assistant manager with a Pistachio Muffin right in the belly!”

The manager is suing Franklin in a civil suit.

The incident took place in a Middleboro donut establishment, where a city councilman was snacking on a Cinnamon Dew Drop. When Franklin slipped on a spilled beverage and banged his knee, he muttered an expletive we’ve deleted and was fined for profanity on the spot.

Investigators recreating the boy’s mistaken scientific discovery have confirmed that it is possible to gallivant through time by looking at infinity upside down, causing Congress to convene an emergency session to regulate it as interstate travel. Meanwhile, the D.A.’s office is looking into possible charges against Franklin for violating the “Village Protection of Our Children Act,” recently passed by Congress.

Franklin, who went back in time to get his Stamp Act paperwork, has returned and is preparing an appeal.

© Amber Ferguson

There is no Starbucks in Middleboro.

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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9 thoughts on “Fifth Grader Invents Time Machine; Benjamin Franklin Fined for Profanity

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