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Benjamin Franklin Apologizes for One of the Most Popular Phrases in the Declaration of Independence

Flag-the-Disassociated-DepressedNEW YORK CITY NY (DDP) — American Founding Father Benjamin Franklin – who recently traveled through time when a fifth-grader accidentally circumvented nature – made his first appearance nationally televised appearance yesterday.

Franklin appeared on Fox & Friends yesterday during its second hour and answered questions regarding what the Founding Fathers’ vision for the nation had been, as well as Franklin’s perception of the vision’s fulfillment.

At times, the Founder became visibly agitated by some of the questions, and occasionally shouted expletives that had to be deleted. The most explosive moment occurred when he was asked if the Constitution the Founders had left us had been properly obeyed throughout the generations.

The statesman responded by staring blankly at the news personalities for several seconds before suddenly kicking the small z-shaped “coffee” table with such force that it was propelled off-stage.

He then jumped upon a couch and shouted, “”The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government — lest it come to dominate our lives and interests!”

As the started news personalities watched, Franklin began to rent his hair as he continued shouting, ““When the American Spirit was in its youth, the language of America was different; Liberty, sir, was then the primary object!”

After an abrupt commercial break, Fox & Friends returned. Although Franklin still appeared rather red-faced, he was otherwise sitting calmly.

The statesman’s most controversial quote occurred when asked if there was any part of early American history he wished he could change.

Hanging his head, he replied, “Kind friend, there is indeed; that being, the phrase mine good friend Jefferson did write as the pursuit of Happiness in the wonderful Declaration of Independence.

“I fear that we did leave the generations to believe that happiness is attainable by straining to directly grab hold of it. Rather, it exists only as a by-product of pursuing other worthy goals: excellence in one’s work which then earns one recognition or monetary gain, achieving beauty in a garden where once only weeds and dirt did exist, or bringing an airy, winsome melody from the wood and ivory that is a piano. All are fine examples of worthy activities from which happiness may result as a by-product.”

Shaking his head, Franklin then added, “I fear that the pursuit of Happiness phraseology mayhap been better written as the unalienable right to pursue one’s goals or purpose in liberty and in peace. It does seem that the most abhorrent misinterpretation of the phraseology – the right of a mother to end an unborn child’s birth in pursuit of her own happiness being the most prominent example that does spring to mine memory – may have been avoided had we but foreseen the ever softening generations to come.”

When Franklin was then asked if he thought the current generation of Americans would attempt to return to the original laws of the land if a Founding Father reappeared and asked them to, he replied, “It is natural to man to indulge in the illusions of hope.”

He then shook his head again before concluding, “I cannot see that this generation would listen even if mine most admirable friend George Washington did return to plead with them in person. They are apt to shut their eyes against a painful truth, and listen to the song of that siren till she transforms us into beasts.”

The blogosphere has erupted in the wake of Franklin’s comments.

© Amber Ferguson

Most of Franklin’s comments were actually said by Patrick Henry. I changed them slightly so they would better fit this fictional post.

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.