Houston TX (DDP) – Lakewood Church, the mega church being sued by HOOEE, the Historical Observation Organization Effectively Educating, recently discovered that the historical institution had attempted to alter a Christian-related document.
HOOEE filed the civil suit because Lakewood contradicts the HOOEE assertion that aliens fed the Israelites as they wandered in the desert for 40 years, rather than “God.” The organization said that it didn’t want to have the same long-term trouble with the Christians that the evolutionists have had.
In a brief press release this morning, pastor Joel Osteen said, “Thanks to one of our wonderful assistants, we discovered seconds before an email was sent to our list subscribers that a sentence regarding the perseverance of David, Elijah and Joseph that should have read ‘They didn’t give up, and God gave them victory!’ had been changed to ‘They didn’t give up, and extraterrestrial gave them the victory! And food!’”
The press release went on to list additional sentences in which Osteen’s words about God had been changed to better support HOOEE historical evidence.
It concluded, “Even if we are surrounded by 400 falsehoods, the power of God will still be revealed for everyone to see.”
In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, the lead HOOEE historian said, “We’re certainly not finished trying to debunk the ‘God’ myth; however, we admit it was a bit early to attempt such a substantial subversion.
“We’ve got to get under their skin a bit first, so we’re going to go after the church teenagers. Just like adults, there certainly are a lot of them who claim to be Christians, but we have it on good evidence that few of them personally know what the Bible says. It’s unfortunate, however, that those who have read It are kind of nutty about It.
“Anyway, once the Christian kids believe it, we’ll have the next generation for sure. That’s what’s so cool about the public school system.”
When the Depressed asked what he meant, the spokesperson pointed out how the grandparents of the current generation of school children didn’t even have an Earth Day, but that their kids learned to revere it in public school, and then taught their own children.
He added, “That’s why we call it progress.”
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