ABILENE, TX (DDP) – Abilene High School students who continue to believe that they are actually adults will soon be rescued by mental health specialists from the Adult Behavior Unauthorized in School Environment (ABUSE) in the hope that their attitude doesn’t trend nationwide.
The students, who were originally misled by former principal Pat Henry, have continued to hold gainful employment, volunteer in their community, and cheerfully accept a variety of responsibilities even after Henry was given the death sentence for committing crimes against the state.
In a brief press conference outside the Abilene High School detention center, an ABUSE spokesperson said, “We thought that the summer hiatus would cure the children of the brainwashing they received under Mr. Henry’s tenure. It was believed that they would use the free time to sneak alcohol into pool parties, sext each other, make Jackass videos, and engage in otherwise normal teenage behavior.
“Unfortunately, the majority of the teens have spent their summer engaged in activities that are completely abnormal. Craigslist ads for high school Young Republican and Democrat Clubs are rampant; in fact, we’ve even seen a couple of Libertarian and Independent groups. Shocking!
“Meanwhile, students are spending their Saturday nights engaged in healthy activities such as playing tennis, finding homes for shelter dogs, and/or playing backgammon. The Abilene Police Department reports that it may have to lay off as many as a third of its officers because there are simply not enough 18-year-olds trying to buy a beer. What’s the point in our having laws when no one tries to break them?
He concluded, “This is why ABUSE is going to be there in the high school when students return this fall. These kids have to be reacquainted with their role in society.”
In an exclusive telephone interview later that afternoon, the Depressed asked the spokesperson what procedures ABUSE planned to institute to help the students.
He replied, “It’s critical that these kids realize they’re not adults yet, even if they can legally get married or die for their country in a year or so. Since most of the high schoolers are used to going to the bathroom whenever they want, we’ll crack down on that first. That’s kind of a given because it’s so psychologically effective.
“Then we’ll make sure each and every class assigns seating. We’ll also stop the practice of allowing students of differing ages to mingle. It’s important that the kids experience forced friendships based on demographics only. That’s a very powerful technique for making them feel rebellious.”
When the Depressed asked if that was the entire plan, the spokesperson explained that teenagers are so often adept at critical thinking skills that he didn’t want to divulge anything they could competently strategize against.
He then added, “I will tell you, however, that ABUSE’s number one weapon is simply to call them teenagers. Back in my granddad’s day, they didn’t have that word and high school aged students just instinctively understood that they, by default, weren’t children anymore. That’s totally unacceptable.
“I can’t emphasize the importance to this nation that they remain complaint enough in those first few years after childhood for us to reach them, because those are the years the government-funded school system can most easily influence them.”
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