BOSTON (DDP) – Former First President of the United States, George Washington, single-handedly disarmed a group of knife-wielding robbers yesterday, just blocks from Nashua Street Jail where Benjamin Franklin is being held.
According to police, the incident began when Washington, along with several other Founding Fathers, left the homeless shelter where they have taken up temporary residence to visit Franklin, who is being held for violating the Infinite Law. The patriots recently arrived in our generation when a fifth-grader accidentally circumvented infinity and invented time travel.
Several other homeless persons who were nearby at the time told reporters that a group of nine hooded individuals emerged from the shadows and encircled the Founders as they left the shelter. The largest of the attackers then pulled Washington away from the other men and placed a knife to his throat.
Witnesses say that the man said, “Just do what you’re–“ but was prevented from speaking further when Washington spun in place and headbutted the attacker, knocking him unconscious.
The former President then spun to his right in a roundhouse kick that knocked out two more of the assailants. Before the half dozen remaining could react, he reportedly spun to his left in a second roundhouse kick, disabling two more.
The four remaining attackers then rushed the elder statesmen as the other Founding Fathers watched quietly from behind. When one of the witnesses moved forward to assist Washington, a man described as matching the picture of “the dude on a nickel” grabbed the would-be assistant and told him, “Kind friend, distress not yourself. Such inexperienced rabble stands no match against yon Washington’s skills.”
As the four neared the patriot, he flipped toward them, over their heads, and then twisted before landing upon his feet to face them. One attacker apparently recovered from the surprise move more quickly than the others and tried to lunge toward the first President; however, before the assailant had a chance to completely extend his knife hand, Washington caught the man’s forearm, twisted, dropped to one knee and flipped the knifeman over a shoulder. The former First President then karate-chopped his assailant in the neck.
The three remaining assailants took the opportunity to attack en masse. Washington jumped to his feet and backed quickly into a corner. Witnesses say that the attackers must have believed they had effectively captured him, because they began taunting the statesman as they closed in; however, before they could react, Washington braced his hands and feet against the corner’s two walls and scrambled up and out of their reach in seconds. He then jumped over them, twisted again, and knocked the last three senseless with a third kick.
Several of the onlookers, who had begun cheering and chanting, “Ninja! Ninja!” during the altercation, had recorded the incident with their smartphones. Youtube videos went viral long before police arrived three-minutes later.
This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.