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Pork Flattens Rural Protestor After Purchase Mandate Passes

Lake-Livingston-in-Background-Amber-FergusonHOUSTON (DDP) – Residents in the Crises Point subdivision of Lake Livingston, about 75-miles north of Houston, protested outside the entrance to the central clubhouse this morning after the governing board announced that both homeowners as well as renters would be required to own a minimum of two lots before the end of the fiscal year.

The mandate was passed after property values plummeted when an FHA appraiser discovered that 90 percent of existing homes within the subdivision had cracked slabs.

In a brief press conference held outside the entrance to the subdivision’s swimming pool, the lead member of the Crises Point exploratory committee, Future Opportunity to Raise Money Easily (FORCE), said, “After the disastrous effects the FHA report had on local property values, the resale potential for even unimproved lots was adversely affected.

“Local realtors were so taken aback that they removed current MLS postings from their databases; meanwhile, three of our property owners with current listings had pending contracts pulled right out from under their noses. Obviously, the board had to do something, lest we all suffer.

“To that end, FORCE determined that the most equitable way to increase property values was to mandate that subdivision renters, who do occasionally use the amenities here without paying anything directly to the board, purchase at least two lots immediately. Current property owners who already own at least two lots can simply keep their current ones, or exchange them for more agreeable locations.”

When asked if squatters currently residing in unoccupied rental cabins were affected by the mandate, the spokesperson replied, “Of course not. We certainly can’t force anyone who isn’t supposed to be here to abide by our rules. They made that clear when they reinstated me as board president during our last election.”

Signs the protestors carried featured slogans such as: If I could afford to own two lots here, I’d already own two lots here and How can I afford this when you keep raising the MUD taxes.

When the Depressed caught up to one protestor, whose sign read Take your lakefront lots and shove it, we asked him what he meant by such a vague statement.

He said, “I was going to keep the two lakefront lots I already own, because they told us that we didn’t have to exchange them unless we found better ones. I just recently found out that I have to switch my lakefront property for two weedy interior options instead. What’s worse is that the board members with lakefront spots get to keep theirs. How can this be fair?”

Before the Depressed could explain to him that we understood FORCE was only there to help him, a noticeably obese pig suddenly fell from the sky and knocked the man senseless.

© Amber Ferguson

There is no Crises Point subdivision on Lake Livingston.

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Founding Fathers Launch Discovery Tour

Mount-Rushmore-The-Disassociated-DepressedBOSTON (DDP) –  Former first President George Washington, along with the other Founding Fathers who recently returned to this generation, announced today they launching a “Discovery Tour” to assess the current state of the union.

Washington and the other Founders, who arrived here shortly after a fifth-grader accidentally circumvented nature and invented time travel, held a brief press conference this morning outside the Boston homeless shelter where they have been staying and addressed their growing crowd of supporters.

As Washington took the stage along with Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson, supporters – many of whom were wearing buckled shoes, powdered wigs and other garments believed to be Colonial-era clothing – shouted “Ninja! Ninja!” in reference to the first President’s recent single-handed thrashing of several armed opponents.

After waiting several moments for the cheers of the jubilant crowd to subside, Washington said, “Having finished the work assigned me, I retired from the great theatre of Action; and did so bid an Affectionate farewell to the August body under whose orders I had so long acted.

“With delight, my friends and I journeyed forth to visit this nation we did bequeath posterity. The citizens of the United States of America have the right to applaud themselves for having given to mankind examples of an enlarged and liberal policy worthy of imitation. All possess alike liberty of conscience and immunities of citizenship. 

“Yet we sadly find no mound of parchment can be so formed as to stand against the sweeping torrent of boundless ambition on the one side, aided by the sapping current of corrupted morals on the other.

“Such cannot guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism. The basis of our political systems is the right of the people to make and to alter their Constitutions of Government. But the Constitution which at any time exists, ’till changed by an explicit and authentic act of the whole People is sacredly obligatory upon all.

The foundations of our national policy were laid in the pure and immutable principles of private morality. With regret, my friends and I find such principles ignored, forgotten, or held in repulsion by the many. The few who revere such standards would call we patriots’ back, if possible, to remind you.

And so I do find myself once more, summoned by my country, whose voice I can never hear but with veneration and love.

“We go now in hopes of regarding by our own eyes the state of our union and to discover the places where such moral foundations are most rotten.”

Although Washington’s speech was followed immediately by tumultuous cheering, the crowd quickly dispersed after a rumor spread that an anonymous source had reported the event to the police as a non-peaceful assembly.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Pigs Fly

Pigs-Fly-News-Spoof-by-Amber-FergusonWASHINGTON DC (DDP) – In yet another unnatural natural event, pigs across the globe flew yesterday, forcing people as remotely located as Antarctica to keep promises they never thought they’d have to fulfill.

The worst impact seems to have occurred in the American southern states.

Reports of mothers-in-law being respected in both North and South Carolina continue to shock the nation; in Mississippi, at least 40,000 out of work sons-in-law are seeking gainful employment and losing weight.

Angry mobs in Georgia and Alabama have been organizing on their respective state capitols’ steps since Saturday, protesting the state’s slow response to the tragedy; however, in Texas, Governor Rick Perry is already urging Texans to weigh down their donkeys.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, Perry said, “We’re trying to head off further calamity by responding proactively. I’m safe as long as pigs are the only beasts affected, but if those donkeys soar off too, I’ll personally have to spend Thanksgiving with my wife’s family. Now that would be a very serious unnatural natural disaster!”

Although the Fellowship of Opinionated Lady Earth Disciples (FOOLED) immediately posted a message on its website blaming the event on extreme global warming, environmentalists testifying before Congress in an emergency session are holding fast to their previous assertion that Mother Nature is behind the gravitational disruption.

Meanwhile, though blogs across the southern states of the U.S. reflect growing concern that donkeys might indeed be next, globally, blogs seem to indicate a more widespread fear that hell might freeze over.

In response, Mike Huckabee, a practicing Christian and former Arkansas governor, issued a short press release, in which he said, “As I said before: I just can’t get behind the ‘Mother Nature’ theory [Christians believe in a ‘Father God’]; however, I also want to reiterate that, though the Bible never says pigs will fly, if God wants them to fly, don’t plan on buying any more bacon for awhile.”

The press release concluded, “Unfortunately, I can promise you that hell isn’t going to freeze over.”

To dispel the growing fear that the U.S. is in conflict with Mother Nature, a Congressional spokesperson held a brief press conference this morning, during which he said, “Look, we’re still not sure if there’s a sentient being behind this new unnatural natural event or not, because the problem may have actually begun when some Idaho potato farmers fed their pigs green potatoes.

“But, if there is actually a sentient being, she may be doing us a favor. Washington was going to have to tax the bacon and pork sausage industries out of existence anyway, because there’s no way we’re going to be able to build a perfectly healthy society if Americans keep eating poisonous substances like that.

“That said, we are currently working on a $150 billion bailout bill with Congress to save the pork chop and ham industries. It’s up to us here in Washington to make sure there’s a big dose of pork in everything the American people consume.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Do Isaiah 17 & Jeremiah 49 foretell Damascus destruction? 23 pages of notes on this subject.

NOT A SPOOF! No spoof today!
Due to the current political crises (and because my husband survived a heart attack August 29th – PRAISE GOD! ), I’m just going to reblog this excellent post by Joel C. Rosenberg. Please do read his study notes if you’re interested in a more in-depth perspective.

Joel C. Rosenberg's Blog

isaiah17Over the past several years, I have been repeatedly asked whether the Bible speaks to the future of Syria. Pastors and other Christian leaders have asked. So have a number of U.S. leaders and those from other countries.

In 2012, for example, a prominent Member of Congress asked to meet with me in Washington, D.C. I thought the topic was going to be the possible coming war between Israel and Iran. Instead, the Representative asked, “What are your thoughts on Isaiah 17 and the possible destruction of Damascus?” A few months ago, a Member of the Canadian Parliament asked me the same question.

As the implosion of Syria accelerates, the question of what Bible prophecy says about the future of Syria is being asked more frequently. During the horrific civil war that is underway there, more than 110,000 Syrians have been killed thus far, including, reportedly, through the use of chemical…

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