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Pork Flattens Rural Protestor After Purchase Mandate Passes

Lake-Livingston-in-Background-Amber-FergusonHOUSTON (DDP) – Residents in the Crises Point subdivision of Lake Livingston, about 75-miles north of Houston, protested outside the entrance to the central clubhouse this morning after the governing board announced that both homeowners as well as renters would be required to own a minimum of two lots before the end of the fiscal year.

The mandate was passed after property values plummeted when an FHA appraiser discovered that 90 percent of existing homes within the subdivision had cracked slabs.

In a brief press conference held outside the entrance to the subdivision’s swimming pool, the lead member of the Crises Point exploratory committee, Future Opportunity to Raise Money Easily (FORCE), said, “After the disastrous effects the FHA report had on local property values, the resale potential for even unimproved lots was adversely affected.

“Local realtors were so taken aback that they removed current MLS postings from their databases; meanwhile, three of our property owners with current listings had pending contracts pulled right out from under their noses. Obviously, the board had to do something, lest we all suffer.

“To that end, FORCE determined that the most equitable way to increase property values was to mandate that subdivision renters, who do occasionally use the amenities here without paying anything directly to the board, purchase at least two lots immediately. Current property owners who already own at least two lots can simply keep their current ones, or exchange them for more agreeable locations.”

When asked if squatters currently residing in unoccupied rental cabins were affected by the mandate, the spokesperson replied, “Of course not. We certainly can’t force anyone who isn’t supposed to be here to abide by our rules. They made that clear when they reinstated me as board president during our last election.”

Signs the protestors carried featured slogans such as: If I could afford to own two lots here, I’d already own two lots here and How can I afford this when you keep raising the MUD taxes.

When the Depressed caught up to one protestor, whose sign read Take your lakefront lots and shove it, we asked him what he meant by such a vague statement.

He said, “I was going to keep the two lakefront lots I already own, because they told us that we didn’t have to exchange them unless we found better ones. I just recently found out that I have to switch my lakefront property for two weedy interior options instead. What’s worse is that the board members with lakefront spots get to keep theirs. How can this be fair?”

Before the Depressed could explain to him that we understood FORCE was only there to help him, a noticeably obese pig suddenly fell from the sky and knocked the man senseless.

© Amber Ferguson

There is no Crises Point subdivision on Lake Livingston.

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Pigs Fly

Pigs-Fly-News-Spoof-by-Amber-FergusonWASHINGTON DC (DDP) – In yet another unnatural natural event, pigs across the globe flew yesterday, forcing people as remotely located as Antarctica to keep promises they never thought they’d have to fulfill.

The worst impact seems to have occurred in the American southern states.

Reports of mothers-in-law being respected in both North and South Carolina continue to shock the nation; in Mississippi, at least 40,000 out of work sons-in-law are seeking gainful employment and losing weight.

Angry mobs in Georgia and Alabama have been organizing on their respective state capitols’ steps since Saturday, protesting the state’s slow response to the tragedy; however, in Texas, Governor Rick Perry is already urging Texans to weigh down their donkeys.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, Perry said, “We’re trying to head off further calamity by responding proactively. I’m safe as long as pigs are the only beasts affected, but if those donkeys soar off too, I’ll personally have to spend Thanksgiving with my wife’s family. Now that would be a very serious unnatural natural disaster!”

Although the Fellowship of Opinionated Lady Earth Disciples (FOOLED) immediately posted a message on its website blaming the event on extreme global warming, environmentalists testifying before Congress in an emergency session are holding fast to their previous assertion that Mother Nature is behind the gravitational disruption.

Meanwhile, though blogs across the southern states of the U.S. reflect growing concern that donkeys might indeed be next, globally, blogs seem to indicate a more widespread fear that hell might freeze over.

In response, Mike Huckabee, a practicing Christian and former Arkansas governor, issued a short press release, in which he said, “As I said before: I just can’t get behind the ‘Mother Nature’ theory [Christians believe in a ‘Father God’]; however, I also want to reiterate that, though the Bible never says pigs will fly, if God wants them to fly, don’t plan on buying any more bacon for awhile.”

The press release concluded, “Unfortunately, I can promise you that hell isn’t going to freeze over.”

To dispel the growing fear that the U.S. is in conflict with Mother Nature, a Congressional spokesperson held a brief press conference this morning, during which he said, “Look, we’re still not sure if there’s a sentient being behind this new unnatural natural event or not, because the problem may have actually begun when some Idaho potato farmers fed their pigs green potatoes.

“But, if there is actually a sentient being, she may be doing us a favor. Washington was going to have to tax the bacon and pork sausage industries out of existence anyway, because there’s no way we’re going to be able to build a perfectly healthy society if Americans keep eating poisonous substances like that.

“That said, we are currently working on a $150 billion bailout bill with Congress to save the pork chop and ham industries. It’s up to us here in Washington to make sure there’s a big dose of pork in everything the American people consume.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Congress Considering Sanctions Against Mother Nature

Blue-Rooster-Humorous-Political-News-SpoofWASHINGTON DC. (DDP) – Congress convened for an emergency session this morning to discuss sanctions against Mother Nature after several recent unnatural natural events.

Congress and the rest of a shocked Washington D.C. population woke up Monday morning to a strawberry-pink sky, while residents in Napa Valley were awakened by roosters sporting garish pale blue feathers. Meanwhile, 94 percent of the potatoes grown in Idaho have turned lime green since Sunday.

Environmental experts testified before a bipartisan committee that Mother Nature might have been offended when Congress canceled the weather along with the season of autumn, and she is attempting to retaliate.

In a brief press conference shortly after the emergency session, a Congressional spokesperson said, “Congress was unaware that nature is sentient. It thought that nature was simply a force of … I mean, it didn’t really think there was actually a thinking Being behind it all.

“Congress certainly did not mean to offend anyone, whether he, she, or it is capable of intelligent thought or not; however, if that being is going to get huffy with America, we have no choice but to retaliate. If anything weird happens again, Congress will have no choice but to impose strict sanctions.”

The spokesperson then briefly outlined several proposed actions it may use against Mother Nature that include limiting the amount of oxygen she has to work with, and tightening her access to clean water.

Several propositions being considered by Congress include:

  • Requiring California and other entities with strict emissions restrictions to reverse and/or nullify existing air quality laws.
  • A 10 billion dollar stimulus package for the oil and gas industry, with a binding requirement that at least a hundred unstable refineries be built along the Gulf Coast within a 48-month period.
  • A 50 million dollar stimulus package for the Idaho potato farmers affected by the green potato attack, with a requirement that they must burn their potato farms by December 15, 2013 by dousing them in gas and throwing in a lit match.
  • A 5 million dollar stimulus package for the tire industry, with a requirement that all used tires henceforth be burned on the highest, nearest mountain peak.

Also being considered:

  • Legislation requiring all 50 states to use the U.S. lakes and rivers system as their dump grounds.
  • Encouraging children, through public school educational programs, as well as public service announcements, to begin peeing in public swimming pools.
  • An additional 10 million dollar stimulus package for the oil and gas industry, with a binding requirement that at least 10 percent of the oil obtained from the Gulf Coast be spilled into the closest ocean.
  • A 25 million dollar stimulus package for the maple syrup industry in the Northeast, with a binding requirement that half of the syrup be emptied into Boston Harbor.

He then added, “While Congress realizes these measures may be environmentally harmful, the situation should be only temporary. To combat any possible ill effects, Congress will commandeer the nation’s entire corn supply while the auto manufacturers make vehicles that run on 100 percent ethanol gasoline only.”

Former Arkansas governor and Presidential contender Mike Huckabee, a practicing Christian, held a widely-attended press conference to discuss his views on the unnatural natural events, as well as the nation’s response.

He said, “Though I agree with the concept of a sentient Being behind nature, I just can’t agree it’s a ‘Mother.’ [Christians believe in a ‘Father God.’] There’s certainly no Biblical text that says God will actually turn the sky paisley, but if He wanted to, He could do so without even speaking a word.”

The Fellowship of Opinionated Lady Earth Disciples (FOOLED) then posted this press announcement late Tuesday on its website:

“While we do not currently wish to take a position on the Father God vs. Mother Nature debate, we do want to point out that this unnatural natural disaster is actually a natural result of our human presence infestating and polluting the earth. ”

The announcement continued: “That said, FOOLED is willing to eschew our usual stance against harming our precious Earth until Congress can control natural events.”

Gas prices rose soon after the leak was published. Stock in Kool Aid rose sharply in early trading Wednesday.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Scientists Announce Potentially Fatal Cure for the Common Cold

The-Disassociated-Depressed-Cure-for-the-Common-Cold

WASHINGTON, D.C. (DDP) – In a brief press conference this morning, lead researchers for the Scientists Instituting Chemicals Kindly (SICK), which was created after the new healthcare mandate was recently upheld as Constitutional by the Supreme Court, announced they have created a vaccine to prevent the common cold.

The lead scientist at the press event opened by explaining that Congress had commissioned them to cure every disease known to mankind by 2014, so that it could use the healthcare tax dollars to provide mandatory mental heath screenings to every American instead.

He said, “We were commissioned to cure the common cold first because Congress anticipated that everyone who currently treats it with simple bed rest and chicken soup will go to the doctor when each visit is free.

“Congress was initially against this vaccine because it could cause a reduction in revenues from the chicken tax , which it intends to raise to 45 percent after requiring all Americans to stop eating red meat as part of a mandated healthy diet. After we told Congress we could use chicken blood in the vaccines and no tax revenue would be lost, they fully funded the project.

“As a result, we’ve created a vaccine that makes the recipient 100-percent immune to the common cold as long as it doesn’t kill the patient first.”

He then proceeded to list the potential side effects that include, but are not necessarily limited to, the following:

  • A desire to mew at the moon
  • Foaming at the ears
  • Color blindness
  • Loss of ability to add two plus two
  • The inability to stop reciting the multiplication tables
  • A sudden urge to play strip poker with the checkout person at Walmart
  • An urge to peck puppies
  • Hair growth that may exceed 15 feet
  • The ability to turn everything one touches into garlic powder
  • A tendency toward insanity that could cause you to become a writer and/or blogger
  • A desire to listen to disco music
  • A tendency to write love letters to the GEICO gecko after midnight, without being able to recall the event the next day
  • Spontaneous combustion

When the Depressed asked if the chicken blood was the ingredient that caused the potentially harmful effects, he replied that SICK didn’t know.

He then said, “A chicken vaccine alone wasn’t effective at eliminating the common cold in every test subject; however, when we added a mixture of herbicides and pesticides, we found it killed just about anything.

“In fact, it costs the government over a thousand dollars per dose to produce the vaccinations because it requires a hermetically sealed laboratory and a hazmat team to prevent deadly vapors inside the initial mixture from leaking into the air.”

When the Depressed asked why it was acceptable to induce the chemical cocktail into humans but not into the air, the scientist initially looked surprised.

He then replied, “Because that would be bad for the environment, of course.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.