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Founding Fathers Return; Benjamin Franklin Arrested Almost Instantly

BOSTON MA (DDP) – Benjamin Franklin was arrested earlier today shortly after he and the rest of the Founding Fathers materialized out of thin air, surprising a group of soccer moms in the play area of a Chik-fil-A.

Franklin, who originally traveled through time when a fifth grader accidentally invented time travel, returned to his own era yesterday to “fetch George Washington” and other fellow members from the Revolutionary Era.

In describing the men’s unanticipated arrival, several of the soccer moms said that a pinpoint of light appeared and then suddenly exploded, seemingly “depositing” the men in its stead. When the women realized the blast was from the past, they each scrambled to be the first to tweet the event, while the patriots stood in shocked silence.

Franklin was the first to break the men’s silence. One woman, who had left her cell phone at home to charge it and was able to fully pay attention to his words, reported that he said, “What the–“ before punching through a wall and apologizing to the other men for the “accidental stop at Woodstock.”

Picketers outside the restaurant saw the men through the glass windows and rushed inside, believing a conservative group had staged some type of publicity stunt inside the controversial restaurant in support of colonial-era marriage traditions. Once inside, a shouting match quickly ensued, during which one soccer mom dropped her smartphone trying to video the event for youtube; however, once the picketers realized that Franklin was shouting, “–limited government, mine kind friends, but they thus falsely did interpret such to so mean an increase into–“ they quieted quickly.

During the melee, a Massachusetts Congressional Representative stopped in for an original Chik-fil-A. sandwich and crinkly fries. When the situation was explained to him, he quickly phoned police, who arrived minutes later and arrested Franklin for several violations of the recently enacted “Fees, Taxes, Regulations and Requirements for Infinity-Based Time Travel” legislation.

Time-Travel-Disassociated-Depressed-by-Amber-FergusonIn a brief press conference shortly after the arrest, a spokesperson for the Representative told incredulous onlookers that Franklin had violated the mandate against both bringing back another party from another time period, as well as against visiting the colonial era.

He said, “While we wish we could welcome the original founding fathers into our generation, the possibility exists that they might attempt to interfere or influence this generation, which could lead to devastating results.

“Franklin broke the Infinite Mandate within 24 hours after it was passed, and he told police when he was arrested that he’d brought the other men back to ‘help him set our generation straight.’”

After the spokesperson rubbed his temples a moment, he continued, “We certainly can’t allow their antiquated notions about their Constitution to cloud our modern day progress. Arresting Franklin right off the bat will, hopefully, scare the other Founding Fathers enough so that they’ll go back to where they belong and not dog us anymore.”

Editor’s note: The Depressed is watching the events and will issue updates as they unfold.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Congress Taxes Infinity; Benjamin Franklin to Fetch George Washington

BOSTON MA (DDP) – Because a fifth-grader accidentally brought back Founding Father Benjamin FranklinTime-is-Money-the-Disassociated-Depressed when the boy invented time travel by falling head first into infinity, Congress announced today it will tax infinity.

The legislation, known as the “Fees, Taxes, Regulations and Requirements for Infinity-Based Time Travel” was introduced in a brief press conference shortly after noon EST. Approximately 11,000 pages long, the document details to which time periods Americans are or are not allowed to visit, as well as attempts to manage imports and exports between the eras.

It also mandates the taxes that Americans must pay per each trip, as well as the fees due if the restrictions are violated.

The regulations include, but are not limited to, the following:

  • No one may visit Florida on Election Day, 2000; $50,000 fine for first time violators; life in prison for the second violation
  • No one may return from the ‘70s with a unisex haircut; $25,000 fine, each occurrence
  • Only deaf and blind Americans may visit the dates the Declaration of Independence or the Constitution were signed; $125,000 fine, each occurrence
  • No one may visit any century in the BC years or the first 200 years of the AC era; life in prison for any violation, and the violator must have their tongues and their hands cut off
  • No member of the media may leave the present at any time
  • No one may visit the moment the universe created itself; violators will be beaten, then burned with hot tongs, then buried in a fire ant hill, then shocked 1,000 times by a taser gun, then stoned to death
  • No one may bring back any tobacco products before they became taboo; $10,000 fine, each occurrence
  • No one may export alcohol to the prohibition era; $10,000 fine, each occurrence
  • No one may bring anyone else back with them; violators will be shot
  • No one may visit Las Vegas at any previous time period; $100,000 fine, each occurrence
  • No one may visit the end of time; violators’ families will be beaten, then burned with hot tongs, then buried in a fire ant hill, then shocked 1,000 times by a taser gun, then stoned to death. The violator will then suffer the same fate, except they will be kicked out of an airplane without a parachute instead of being stoned to death

Congress also instituted a $1,000 per trip surcharge, subject to applicable state and local sales taxes. All travelers must have a valid passport, the fee for which was increased to $500.

Only government issued mirrors may be used to activate an episode of infinity. Available for purchase next week for $750 each at all local IRS offices, they are also subject to applicable state and local sales taxes.

Time travelers must submit an itinerary six months in advance.

Shortly after the regulations were introduced, the Depressed caught up to Benjamin Franklin to ask him what he thought about the legislation.

In our exclusive telephone interview with the Founding Father, Franklin said he has been quietly studying our generation during his visit here, and was about to return to his generation to fetch George Washington and several other members of the original patriot act.

When pressed for an explanation, Franklin sighed and said, “Time is money.”

He then added, “These are the times that try men’s souls.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Benjamin Franklin Embarks on Fact Finding Tour; Barely Escapes Mauling at Hands of Angry Yodelers

WASHINGTON DC. (DDP) – Benjamin Franklin, who recently traveled through time and has risen to an overnight celebrity status since his return, recently embarked on an international fact-finding tour.

In a brief press release, Franklin’s publicist said that the elder statesman was specifically interested in how science and technology, which was just beginning to emerge in the Revolutionary days, has benefited mankind over the centuries

Hadron-Collider-on-the-Disassociated-DepressedHis first stop was a visit to The Hadron Collider. The physicists initially welcomed Franklin’s visit; in fact, the scientists served the Founding Father tea and crumpets, and arranged a local group of professional entertainers to yodel at them as they chatted. The Depressed, as well as several other major news outlets, was invited to chronicle the event.

Franklin’s trouble began when one of the physicists explained that the collider was a multinationally funded attempt to recreate “The God Particle,” which was the reason the universe accidentally exploded into life millions of years ago. Franklin was unimpressed.

He said, “My kind sir, I do not comprehend the ‘black hole’ theory as of yet, but if you did thus recreate what has deemed the ‘Big Bang,’ would it not destroy this universe and thus create a new one?”

To which the scientist replied, seconds before he fainted, “Oh, crap.”

As the other physicists tried to revive their fallen colleague, Franklin questioned them about the possibility that our universe was merely one of many thousands that might have existed over time; each universe destroyed by the next, whenever humans had reached the necessary level of intelligence to create another Big Bang.

It was at that point that three other physicists had heart attacks. Franklin, who appeared startled, said, “Forsooth! I did not intend to frighten these fine scientists with logic; my goal had only been to point out the misuse of the technology that humanity has been able to discover thus far.”

The stricken scientists were rushed to a nearby medical facility, where it is reported that all have fully recovered; however, before the news reached the remaining physicists – who were almost all visibly panicking – the elder statesman said, “I’ve lived, sirs, a long time, and the longer I live, the more convincing proofs I see of this truth: That God governs in the affairs of men. If a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without His notice, is it probable that a universe can be created without His aid?”

It was at that point that the yodelers stopped singing and began muttering ominously.

Franklin took several steps back, but then said, “Fear not! You shall not thus succeed in creating a new universe better than the builders of Babel created a pathway to the heavens.”

The yodelers then charged Franklin; although the Depressed was unable to follow the elder statesman as the angry yodelers chased him with tar and feathers, he was eventually rescued by an American veteran.

The retired army sergeant released a brief press announcement shortly after returning to the United States with Franklin, which read, in part:

“Ben was pretty shaken up at first, of course, but he got a control of himself pretty fast. He’s rather a formidable dude, actually.

“But I guess those original Americans had to be made of some pretty tough stuff.”

Franklin, who told the Depressed in an exclusive telephone interview that he has no plans to cancel his fact-finding tour yet, says he next plans to visit New York City.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Benjamin Franklin Apologizes for One of the Most Popular Phrases in the Declaration of Independence

Flag-the-Disassociated-DepressedNEW YORK CITY NY (DDP) — American Founding Father Benjamin Franklin – who recently traveled through time when a fifth-grader accidentally circumvented nature – made his first appearance nationally televised appearance yesterday.

Franklin appeared on Fox & Friends yesterday during its second hour and answered questions regarding what the Founding Fathers’ vision for the nation had been, as well as Franklin’s perception of the vision’s fulfillment.

At times, the Founder became visibly agitated by some of the questions, and occasionally shouted expletives that had to be deleted. The most explosive moment occurred when he was asked if the Constitution the Founders had left us had been properly obeyed throughout the generations.

The statesman responded by staring blankly at the news personalities for several seconds before suddenly kicking the small z-shaped “coffee” table with such force that it was propelled off-stage.

He then jumped upon a couch and shouted, “”The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government — lest it come to dominate our lives and interests!”

As the started news personalities watched, Franklin began to rent his hair as he continued shouting, ““When the American Spirit was in its youth, the language of America was different; Liberty, sir, was then the primary object!”

After an abrupt commercial break, Fox & Friends returned. Although Franklin still appeared rather red-faced, he was otherwise sitting calmly.

The statesman’s most controversial quote occurred when asked if there was any part of early American history he wished he could change.

Hanging his head, he replied, “Kind friend, there is indeed; that being, the phrase mine good friend Jefferson did write as the pursuit of Happiness in the wonderful Declaration of Independence.

“I fear that we did leave the generations to believe that happiness is attainable by straining to directly grab hold of it. Rather, it exists only as a by-product of pursuing other worthy goals: excellence in one’s work which then earns one recognition or monetary gain, achieving beauty in a garden where once only weeds and dirt did exist, or bringing an airy, winsome melody from the wood and ivory that is a piano. All are fine examples of worthy activities from which happiness may result as a by-product.”

Shaking his head, Franklin then added, “I fear that the pursuit of Happiness phraseology mayhap been better written as the unalienable right to pursue one’s goals or purpose in liberty and in peace. It does seem that the most abhorrent misinterpretation of the phraseology – the right of a mother to end an unborn child’s birth in pursuit of her own happiness being the most prominent example that does spring to mine memory – may have been avoided had we but foreseen the ever softening generations to come.”

When Franklin was then asked if he thought the current generation of Americans would attempt to return to the original laws of the land if a Founding Father reappeared and asked them to, he replied, “It is natural to man to indulge in the illusions of hope.”

He then shook his head again before concluding, “I cannot see that this generation would listen even if mine most admirable friend George Washington did return to plead with them in person. They are apt to shut their eyes against a painful truth, and listen to the song of that siren till she transforms us into beasts.”

The blogosphere has erupted in the wake of Franklin’s comments.

© Amber Ferguson

Most of Franklin’s comments were actually said by Patrick Henry. I changed them slightly so they would better fit this fictional post.

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Fifth Grader Invents Time Machine; Benjamin Franklin Fined for Profanity

Time-Travel-and-Benjamin-Franklin-Amber-FergusonBOSTON MA (DDP) — A Boston couple is in jail today because their ten-year-old received an injury while accidentally circumventing nature.

A representative for the District Attorney’s office had this to say in a brief press conference, “While children are certainly allowed a certain amount of freedom, parents are responsible for making sure they are constantly watched whenever they’re not in custody of a school.

“In this case, the parents weren’t watching their son at all, or he never would have fallen through a mirror and bruised a pinky tip. It’s a clear case of child abuse by neglect.”

The mother claims she only turned her back on the preteen for a few minutes when he accidentally placed two mirrors at the correct angle required to cause an episode of infinity to occur.

In an exclusive interview with the Depressed, she said, “I left my purse with him in an empty dressing room so that I could try on a couple of dresses. He must have gotten bored, because he took out my hand mirror and goofed around with it a little, and then propped it up in a corner across from the dressing room mirror. Apparently, still bored, he started practicing standing on his head.”

Investigators say that was when the boy lost his balance and fell through the looking glass, landing in 1766 Colonial America directly on top of Benjamin Franklin’s desk as he was preparing to appear before the English House of Commons to support repeal of the Stamp Act.

When the boy told Franklin, historically known to dabble in the sciences, the events that had led up to him splatting onto the elder statesman’s paperwork, Franklin immediately set up two mirrors and began standing on his own head in an attempt to recreate the process. He told investigators that it took approximately 27 tries to angle the mirrors properly, but also warned them to cancel the upcoming year of 2014, due to a massive tropical hurricane that is going to hit Minnesota in December.

The boy told investigators that, when Franklin first arrived in the current gen timeframe, he seemed initially excited by many of the modern technological advancements; his first act of commerce was to purchase a Strawberries & Crème Frappuccino from a Starbucks, followed by a dozen Raisin Bran Muffins at a Honey Dew Donuts outlet.

When Franklin recovered from his stomachache, he then reviewed the receipts and became outraged. After exclaiming over the 6.25 percent sales tax, he jumped up on a table and shouted, “There is scarce a king in a hundred who would not, if he could, follow the example of Pharaoh, get first all the peoples money, then all their lands, and then make them and their children servants for ever …” before turning to the Honey Dew manager and demanding to know if the Constitution had changed.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, the manager said, “When I told him that I had no idea what the Constitution says, he asked me where I was born. When I told him I was a proud American, he turned purple and started throwing things! He hit me in the face with a Chocolate Jelly Stick, and then nailed my assistant manager with a Pistachio Muffin right in the belly!”

The manager is suing Franklin in a civil suit.

The incident took place in a Middleboro donut establishment, where a city councilman was snacking on a Cinnamon Dew Drop. When Franklin slipped on a spilled beverage and banged his knee, he muttered an expletive we’ve deleted and was fined for profanity on the spot.

Investigators recreating the boy’s mistaken scientific discovery have confirmed that it is possible to gallivant through time by looking at infinity upside down, causing Congress to convene an emergency session to regulate it as interstate travel. Meanwhile, the D.A.’s office is looking into possible charges against Franklin for violating the “Village Protection of Our Children Act,” recently passed by Congress.

Franklin, who went back in time to get his Stamp Act paperwork, has returned and is preparing an appeal.

© Amber Ferguson

There is no Starbucks in Middleboro.

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Congress Cancels the Weather

Congress-Cancels-the-Weather-by-Amber-Kay-FergusonWASHINGTON DC (DDP) — Because it might interfere with national media coverage of President Obama, Congress has cancelled the weather.

In a typically partisan press conference late yesterday, Democrat President Barack Obama, along with other prominent Party members, called upon the Senate to follow in the footsteps of the House and vote in favor of the cancellation.

“Hurricanes distract people enough,” President Obama said. “But when you combine those coming this summer with blizzards or wildfires or droughts, the media just can’t seem to stay focused on my plan to turn American into a socialist nation. You know, so we can be just like Great Britain, who we once rebelled against.”

California Representative Diane Feinstein agreed. “It’s a shocking situation. Just last month, only two AP reporters showed up when California tried to prosecute a homeschooling mother. And, so help me, they were interns. All because of a few little snowstorms, and some other small unusual weather events.”

Obama concurred. “The American people do not want to be distracted from admiring one of the most important Presidents in our nation’s history by any additional weather.”

Democrat Minority Speaker Nancy Pelosi of California helped push the measure through the House last Friday, claiming, “If the majority of the House won’t do something to stop nature then we will.”

In a short speech after the vote, fellow party member Sheila Jackson-Lee of Texas agreed. “If the American people want to see ice, they can buy an icetray. If they want air, they can turn on a fan. If this Congress were more in tune with the American people they claim to lead, they would understand that.”

Fuel prices soured immediately after the resolution was passed.

Several Republicans jumped sides of the aisle and voted in favor of the measure after an amendment to cancel autumn itself was added.

The amendment is the most controversial aspect of the bill. A new poll published by the Wall Street Journal and Forbes reflects a significant number of Americans are unhappy with the cancellation of autumn. Sixty-eight percent of respondents believe the measure will carry over into winter, resulting in no Santa Claus this year.

President Obama held a held a five-star, lobster and champagne reception after the press conference where he told admiring reporters, “If this measure passes the Senate, I will sign it. The American people expect this government to control their seasonings. I mean seasons.”

Several partygoers reported that the President’s food taster was on site, and that the President dined alongside his guests.

Former Vice President and Presidential contender Al Gore is currently conducting research regarding the effects of the resolution on global warming. When the Depressed caught up to him outside the Capital, he said, “If we can get the European Union to come on board with us, we just might have something. As soon as we download the latest version of PowerPoint, I’ll get back to you.”

The Senate is expected to pass the resolution.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

This column was previously published in the Huntsville Item, The Daily Mooch, and New Christian Voices and the original Disassociated Depressed blogs. It has been updated for the current political climate. Copyright retained by the author.