0

Lakewood Church Exposes HOOEE

Endless sandHouston TX (DDP) – Lakewood Church, the mega church being sued by HOOEE, the Historical Observation Organization Effectively Educating, recently discovered that the historical institution had attempted to alter a Christian-related document.

HOOEE filed the civil suit because Lakewood contradicts the HOOEE assertion that aliens fed the Israelites as they wandered in the desert for 40 years, rather than “God.” The organization said that it didn’t want to have the same long-term trouble with the Christians that the evolutionists have had.

In a brief press release this morning, pastor Joel Osteen said, “Thanks to one of our wonderful assistants, we discovered seconds before an email was sent to our list subscribers that a sentence regarding the perseverance of David, Elijah and Joseph that should have read ‘They didn’t give up, and God gave them victory!’ had been changed to ‘They didn’t give up, and extraterrestrial gave them the victory! And food!’”

The press release went on to list additional sentences in which Osteen’s words about God had been changed to better support HOOEE historical evidence.

It concluded, “Even if we are surrounded by 400 falsehoods, the power of God will still be revealed for everyone to see.”

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, the lead HOOEE historian said, “We’re certainly not finished trying to debunk the ‘God’ myth; however, we admit it was a bit early to attempt such a substantial subversion.

“We’ve got to get under their skin a bit first, so we’re going to go after the church teenagers. Just like adults, there certainly are a lot of them who claim to be Christians, but we have it on good evidence that few of them personally know what the Bible says. It’s unfortunate, however, that those who have read It are kind of nutty about It.

“Anyway, once the Christian kids believe it, we’ll have the next generation for sure. That’s what’s so cool about the public school system.”

When the Depressed asked what he meant, the spokesperson pointed out how the grandparents of the current generation of school children didn’t even have an Earth Day, but that their kids learned to revere it in public school, and then taught their own children.

He added, “That’s why we call it progress.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

Advertisements
0

Benjamin Franklin Embarks on Fact Finding Tour; Barely Escapes Mauling at Hands of Angry Yodelers

WASHINGTON DC. (DDP) – Benjamin Franklin, who recently traveled through time and has risen to an overnight celebrity status since his return, recently embarked on an international fact-finding tour.

In a brief press release, Franklin’s publicist said that the elder statesman was specifically interested in how science and technology, which was just beginning to emerge in the Revolutionary days, has benefited mankind over the centuries

Hadron-Collider-on-the-Disassociated-DepressedHis first stop was a visit to The Hadron Collider. The physicists initially welcomed Franklin’s visit; in fact, the scientists served the Founding Father tea and crumpets, and arranged a local group of professional entertainers to yodel at them as they chatted. The Depressed, as well as several other major news outlets, was invited to chronicle the event.

Franklin’s trouble began when one of the physicists explained that the collider was a multinationally funded attempt to recreate “The God Particle,” which was the reason the universe accidentally exploded into life millions of years ago. Franklin was unimpressed.

He said, “My kind sir, I do not comprehend the ‘black hole’ theory as of yet, but if you did thus recreate what has deemed the ‘Big Bang,’ would it not destroy this universe and thus create a new one?”

To which the scientist replied, seconds before he fainted, “Oh, crap.”

As the other physicists tried to revive their fallen colleague, Franklin questioned them about the possibility that our universe was merely one of many thousands that might have existed over time; each universe destroyed by the next, whenever humans had reached the necessary level of intelligence to create another Big Bang.

It was at that point that three other physicists had heart attacks. Franklin, who appeared startled, said, “Forsooth! I did not intend to frighten these fine scientists with logic; my goal had only been to point out the misuse of the technology that humanity has been able to discover thus far.”

The stricken scientists were rushed to a nearby medical facility, where it is reported that all have fully recovered; however, before the news reached the remaining physicists – who were almost all visibly panicking – the elder statesman said, “I’ve lived, sirs, a long time, and the longer I live, the more convincing proofs I see of this truth: That God governs in the affairs of men. If a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without His notice, is it probable that a universe can be created without His aid?”

It was at that point that the yodelers stopped singing and began muttering ominously.

Franklin took several steps back, but then said, “Fear not! You shall not thus succeed in creating a new universe better than the builders of Babel created a pathway to the heavens.”

The yodelers then charged Franklin; although the Depressed was unable to follow the elder statesman as the angry yodelers chased him with tar and feathers, he was eventually rescued by an American veteran.

The retired army sergeant released a brief press announcement shortly after returning to the United States with Franklin, which read, in part:

“Ben was pretty shaken up at first, of course, but he got a control of himself pretty fast. He’s rather a formidable dude, actually.

“But I guess those original Americans had to be made of some pretty tough stuff.”

Franklin, who told the Depressed in an exclusive telephone interview that he has no plans to cancel his fact-finding tour yet, says he next plans to visit New York City.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

9

Fifth Grader Invents Time Machine; Benjamin Franklin Fined for Profanity

Time-Travel-and-Benjamin-Franklin-Amber-FergusonBOSTON MA (DDP) — A Boston couple is in jail today because their ten-year-old received an injury while accidentally circumventing nature.

A representative for the District Attorney’s office had this to say in a brief press conference, “While children are certainly allowed a certain amount of freedom, parents are responsible for making sure they are constantly watched whenever they’re not in custody of a school.

“In this case, the parents weren’t watching their son at all, or he never would have fallen through a mirror and bruised a pinky tip. It’s a clear case of child abuse by neglect.”

The mother claims she only turned her back on the preteen for a few minutes when he accidentally placed two mirrors at the correct angle required to cause an episode of infinity to occur.

In an exclusive interview with the Depressed, she said, “I left my purse with him in an empty dressing room so that I could try on a couple of dresses. He must have gotten bored, because he took out my hand mirror and goofed around with it a little, and then propped it up in a corner across from the dressing room mirror. Apparently, still bored, he started practicing standing on his head.”

Investigators say that was when the boy lost his balance and fell through the looking glass, landing in 1766 Colonial America directly on top of Benjamin Franklin’s desk as he was preparing to appear before the English House of Commons to support repeal of the Stamp Act.

When the boy told Franklin, historically known to dabble in the sciences, the events that had led up to him splatting onto the elder statesman’s paperwork, Franklin immediately set up two mirrors and began standing on his own head in an attempt to recreate the process. He told investigators that it took approximately 27 tries to angle the mirrors properly, but also warned them to cancel the upcoming year of 2014, due to a massive tropical hurricane that is going to hit Minnesota in December.

The boy told investigators that, when Franklin first arrived in the current gen timeframe, he seemed initially excited by many of the modern technological advancements; his first act of commerce was to purchase a Strawberries & Crème Frappuccino from a Starbucks, followed by a dozen Raisin Bran Muffins at a Honey Dew Donuts outlet.

When Franklin recovered from his stomachache, he then reviewed the receipts and became outraged. After exclaiming over the 6.25 percent sales tax, he jumped up on a table and shouted, “There is scarce a king in a hundred who would not, if he could, follow the example of Pharaoh, get first all the peoples money, then all their lands, and then make them and their children servants for ever …” before turning to the Honey Dew manager and demanding to know if the Constitution had changed.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, the manager said, “When I told him that I had no idea what the Constitution says, he asked me where I was born. When I told him I was a proud American, he turned purple and started throwing things! He hit me in the face with a Chocolate Jelly Stick, and then nailed my assistant manager with a Pistachio Muffin right in the belly!”

The manager is suing Franklin in a civil suit.

The incident took place in a Middleboro donut establishment, where a city councilman was snacking on a Cinnamon Dew Drop. When Franklin slipped on a spilled beverage and banged his knee, he muttered an expletive we’ve deleted and was fined for profanity on the spot.

Investigators recreating the boy’s mistaken scientific discovery have confirmed that it is possible to gallivant through time by looking at infinity upside down, causing Congress to convene an emergency session to regulate it as interstate travel. Meanwhile, the D.A.’s office is looking into possible charges against Franklin for violating the “Village Protection of Our Children Act,” recently passed by Congress.

Franklin, who went back in time to get his Stamp Act paperwork, has returned and is preparing an appeal.

© Amber Ferguson

There is no Starbucks in Middleboro.

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

2

High School Principal Receives Death Sentence for Treating High School Students Like Adults

ABILENE, TX (DDP) – Pat Henry, the Texas principal convicted last Friday of Crimes Against the State, Subversive Intent and multiple counts of Brainwashing a Minor, was sentenced to death yesterday.

The controversial educator was transferred to Abilene High School in Abilene, Texas after the school received an “Academically Unacceptable” rating in 2010 from the state’s board of education, the Texas Education Agency (TEA). In just one year under Henry’s tenure, the institution so dramatically turned around that it received a rating of  “Exemplary,” the highest rating given by the TEA.

Smoking Inmate (Amber Ferguson)After it was discovered that the dropout rate had decreased to absolute zero under Henry’s tenure, an anonymous source working in the Abilene school district notified the TEA that the students had actually enjoyed attending school the past year. When the TEA began investigating the shocking allegation, a second informer told the TEA that at least 25 seniors had actually cried on their last day of public school.

When the TEA discovered that two of the seniors had tried to break into the school’s computer database to modify their school records so that it would appear they had flunked their last year, Henry was immediately arrested and brought before a disciplinary panel for interrogation.

Henry initially tried to avoid answering any questions regarding why the students enjoyed attending school, but under intense questioning, he admitted to the panel of inquisitors that he had treated the students like adults, causing the TEA to promptly file charges.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, Henry said, “I’m an adult myself, and so are my friends. If anyone tried to tell us when we could go to the john, we’d probably feel a bit rebellious too.

“I figured if I stopped trying to control my students like we have to contain kindergartners, they’d stop behaving like rebellious children. If the tables were turned, wouldn’t you?”

After a brief pause during which it seemed that Henry was trying to regain his composure, he added, “I-I thought my idea was working. No one dropped out. Over 80 percent of all the students made the honor roll. I wasn’t worried until the seniors all voluntarily went out and got jobs.

“But, it wasn’t until they built a well for an Ethiopian village that I had to admit I’d started a snowball, and it was gathering speed something awful. Most adults won’t do something like that! How was I supposed to know that if you respectfully challenge teenagers, they’re so energetic they just might surprise you?”

The Depressed learned that, in early autumn last year (some nine months before the seniors’ shockingly selfless endeavor), Henry had called a school assembly and informed the students that they were actually adults already.

The most serious of the charges, multiple counts of Brainwashing a Minor, were imposed because the principal tried to reclassify attending classes as “work.” As the school year progressed, Henry reclassified the classrooms as “work spaces,” the school curricula as “projects” and report cards as “student evaluations.

By March, the students no longer were under a mandatory dress code, but had begun to dress in what Henry had by then classified as “business casual.” Two of the jurors admitted, however, that it was because Henry had installed water coolers where he allowed the students to chat quietly that they’d given him the death sentence.

The Depressed recently uncovered evidence that, after the seniors’ Ethiopian caper, Henry had tried to slow their efforts by imposing so much homework that the students would have to quit their jobs. Unfortunately for Henry, the seniors responded by rising to the challenge of the new responsibility (at least 63 percent actually received raises from their employers during that time), causing the junior class to request additional responsibilities as well.

Henry had then issued a mandatory naptime after lunch for the students; however, most of the hard-working students welcomed the nap.

In his growing desperation to make gainful employment unattractive to the seniors, the principal then approached the Abilene city council with the proposition that a mandatory curfew be imposed on anyone under 18, the violation of which would incur a $5,000 fine. Henry’s bad luck continued when two of the council members announced that their geriatric mothers were better off now that several of the seniors were working as personal caregivers at the local Alzheimer’s facility where the women lived.

Henry is being held at the Polunsky Unit outside of Livingston, Texas, where he has already appealed his sentence in a case that is expected to reach the Supreme Court. Lobbyists for the state are reportedly already on their way from Germany, and are preparing to testify before the Court that students from kindergarten through high school must be uniformly controlled by the state in order to become good citizens.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.