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Coverage Under the Healthcare Mandate Clarified

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Benjamin Franklin Arrested for Intolerance; Washington Criticizes Healthcare Mandate

San-Antonio-River-Walk-Disassociated-DepressedSAN ANTONIO TX (DDP) – George Washington and the rest of the Founding Fathers, who recently traveled through time after a fifth grader accidentally circumvented nature, held a brief press conference today at the River Walk in San Antonio.

The Founders, who are on the first leg of a tour during which they will observe our generation, spoke before a rapidly growing number of followers, many of whom sported powdered wigs and other Colonial-era clothing and accessories in tribute.

Franklin, whose fondness for science is almost legendary, opened the press conference with a brief note of thanks for the outpouring of support he received when he was recently jailed for violating the new Infinity Law. He then complimented the city of San Antonio for the River Walk and “a most excellent and wondrous interpretation of scientific principle and technology that did lead to preservation of such a fine and beauteous natural retreat beneath its streets.”

He then punched a hole through the Hilton’s glass doors.

As bystanders scrambled to avoid airborne glass shards, Franklin began shouting angrily about the city’s rigid policies that favor LGBT’s and ban anyone who fails to openly support LGBT rights from conducting business within the city. Franklin appeared especially angry regarding the Class C misdemeanor charges levied against offenders.

He said, “”Without morals a republic cannot subsist any length of time; they therefore who are decrying the Christian religion, whose morality is so sublime and pure (and) which insures to the good eternal happiness, are undermining the solid foundation of morals, the best security for the duration of free governments. 

It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded, not by religionists, but by Christians; not on religions, but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. For this very reason peoples of other faiths have been afforded asylum, prosperity, and freedom of worship here.

I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just, that His justice cannot sleep forever.”

After bemoaning the fact that the First Amendment violation had occurred in one of the most conservative American states left, he said that such an atrocity was nearly unimaginable in the city that protects the Alamo, a symbol of freedom revered around the globe.

He then pulled a metal handrail out of the concrete, mangling it nearly beyond recognition with his bare hands.

After Franklin was escorted away in handcuffs, former first President George Washington stepped forward amid cries of Ninja! Ninja! and fielded questions from the remaining bystanders.

When asked what he thought about the new healthcare law, shopping for which just recently opened on the shopping comparison website healthcare.gov, Washington replied, “Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state an intolerable one.

We find the greedy hand of government thrusting itself into every corner and crevice of industry, and grasping the spoil of the multitude. Invention is continually exercised, to furnish new pretenses for revenues and taxation. It watches prosperity as its prey and permits none to escape without tribute.”

When one bystander pointed out that America was merely following the examples set by Canada and other socialist nations that take care of their citizens, Washington replied, “Hold on to the Constitution, for if the American Constitution should fail, there will be anarchy throughout the world.”

He added, “Every step we take towards making the State our Caretaker of our lives, by that much we move toward making the State our Master.

Then he quietly walked away.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Pigs Fly

Pigs-Fly-News-Spoof-by-Amber-FergusonWASHINGTON DC (DDP) – In yet another unnatural natural event, pigs across the globe flew yesterday, forcing people as remotely located as Antarctica to keep promises they never thought they’d have to fulfill.

The worst impact seems to have occurred in the American southern states.

Reports of mothers-in-law being respected in both North and South Carolina continue to shock the nation; in Mississippi, at least 40,000 out of work sons-in-law are seeking gainful employment and losing weight.

Angry mobs in Georgia and Alabama have been organizing on their respective state capitols’ steps since Saturday, protesting the state’s slow response to the tragedy; however, in Texas, Governor Rick Perry is already urging Texans to weigh down their donkeys.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, Perry said, “We’re trying to head off further calamity by responding proactively. I’m safe as long as pigs are the only beasts affected, but if those donkeys soar off too, I’ll personally have to spend Thanksgiving with my wife’s family. Now that would be a very serious unnatural natural disaster!”

Although the Fellowship of Opinionated Lady Earth Disciples (FOOLED) immediately posted a message on its website blaming the event on extreme global warming, environmentalists testifying before Congress in an emergency session are holding fast to their previous assertion that Mother Nature is behind the gravitational disruption.

Meanwhile, though blogs across the southern states of the U.S. reflect growing concern that donkeys might indeed be next, globally, blogs seem to indicate a more widespread fear that hell might freeze over.

In response, Mike Huckabee, a practicing Christian and former Arkansas governor, issued a short press release, in which he said, “As I said before: I just can’t get behind the ‘Mother Nature’ theory [Christians believe in a ‘Father God’]; however, I also want to reiterate that, though the Bible never says pigs will fly, if God wants them to fly, don’t plan on buying any more bacon for awhile.”

The press release concluded, “Unfortunately, I can promise you that hell isn’t going to freeze over.”

To dispel the growing fear that the U.S. is in conflict with Mother Nature, a Congressional spokesperson held a brief press conference this morning, during which he said, “Look, we’re still not sure if there’s a sentient being behind this new unnatural natural event or not, because the problem may have actually begun when some Idaho potato farmers fed their pigs green potatoes.

“But, if there is actually a sentient being, she may be doing us a favor. Washington was going to have to tax the bacon and pork sausage industries out of existence anyway, because there’s no way we’re going to be able to build a perfectly healthy society if Americans keep eating poisonous substances like that.

“That said, we are currently working on a $150 billion bailout bill with Congress to save the pork chop and ham industries. It’s up to us here in Washington to make sure there’s a big dose of pork in everything the American people consume.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Scientists Announce Potentially Fatal Cure for the Common Cold

The-Disassociated-Depressed-Cure-for-the-Common-Cold

WASHINGTON, D.C. (DDP) – In a brief press conference this morning, lead researchers for the Scientists Instituting Chemicals Kindly (SICK), which was created after the new healthcare mandate was recently upheld as Constitutional by the Supreme Court, announced they have created a vaccine to prevent the common cold.

The lead scientist at the press event opened by explaining that Congress had commissioned them to cure every disease known to mankind by 2014, so that it could use the healthcare tax dollars to provide mandatory mental heath screenings to every American instead.

He said, “We were commissioned to cure the common cold first because Congress anticipated that everyone who currently treats it with simple bed rest and chicken soup will go to the doctor when each visit is free.

“Congress was initially against this vaccine because it could cause a reduction in revenues from the chicken tax , which it intends to raise to 45 percent after requiring all Americans to stop eating red meat as part of a mandated healthy diet. After we told Congress we could use chicken blood in the vaccines and no tax revenue would be lost, they fully funded the project.

“As a result, we’ve created a vaccine that makes the recipient 100-percent immune to the common cold as long as it doesn’t kill the patient first.”

He then proceeded to list the potential side effects that include, but are not necessarily limited to, the following:

  • A desire to mew at the moon
  • Foaming at the ears
  • Color blindness
  • Loss of ability to add two plus two
  • The inability to stop reciting the multiplication tables
  • A sudden urge to play strip poker with the checkout person at Walmart
  • An urge to peck puppies
  • Hair growth that may exceed 15 feet
  • The ability to turn everything one touches into garlic powder
  • A tendency toward insanity that could cause you to become a writer and/or blogger
  • A desire to listen to disco music
  • A tendency to write love letters to the GEICO gecko after midnight, without being able to recall the event the next day
  • Spontaneous combustion

When the Depressed asked if the chicken blood was the ingredient that caused the potentially harmful effects, he replied that SICK didn’t know.

He then said, “A chicken vaccine alone wasn’t effective at eliminating the common cold in every test subject; however, when we added a mixture of herbicides and pesticides, we found it killed just about anything.

“In fact, it costs the government over a thousand dollars per dose to produce the vaccinations because it requires a hermetically sealed laboratory and a hazmat team to prevent deadly vapors inside the initial mixture from leaking into the air.”

When the Depressed asked why it was acceptable to induce the chemical cocktail into humans but not into the air, the scientist initially looked surprised.

He then replied, “Because that would be bad for the environment, of course.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.