George Washington’s Ninja Fight Goes Viral on YouTube

George-Washington-Wins-Ninja-Fight-Disassociated-DepressedBOSTON (DDP) – Former First President of the United States, George Washington, single-handedly disarmed a group of knife-wielding robbers yesterday, just blocks from Nashua Street Jail where Benjamin Franklin is being held.

According to police, the incident began when Washington, along with several other Founding Fathers, left the homeless shelter where they have taken up temporary residence to visit Franklin, who is being held for violating the Infinite Law. The patriots recently arrived in our generation when a fifth-grader accidentally circumvented infinity and invented time travel.

Several other homeless persons who were nearby at the time told reporters that a group of nine hooded individuals emerged from the shadows and encircled the Founders as they left the shelter. The largest of the attackers then pulled Washington away from the other men and placed a knife to his throat.

Witnesses say that the man said, “Just do what you’re–“ but was prevented from speaking further when Washington spun in place and headbutted the attacker, knocking him unconscious.

The former President then spun to his right in a roundhouse kick that knocked out two more of the assailants. Before the half dozen remaining could react, he reportedly spun to his left in a second roundhouse kick, disabling two more.

The four remaining attackers then rushed the elder statesmen as the other Founding Fathers watched quietly from behind. When one of the witnesses moved forward to assist Washington, a man described as matching the picture of “the dude on a nickel” grabbed the would-be assistant and told him, “Kind friend, distress not yourself. Such inexperienced rabble stands no match against yon Washington’s skills.”

As the four neared the patriot, he flipped toward them, over their heads, and then twisted before landing upon his feet to face them. One attacker apparently recovered from the surprise move more quickly than the others and tried to lunge toward the first President; however, before the assailant had a chance to completely extend his knife hand, Washington caught the man’s forearm, twisted, dropped to one knee and flipped the knifeman over a shoulder. The former First President then karate-chopped his assailant in the neck.

The three remaining assailants took the opportunity to attack en masse. Washington jumped to his feet and backed quickly into a corner. Witnesses say that the attackers must have believed they had effectively captured him, because they began taunting the statesman as they closed in; however, before they could react, Washington braced his hands and feet against the corner’s two walls and scrambled up and out of their reach in seconds. He then jumped over them, twisted again, and knocked the last three senseless with a third kick.

Several of the onlookers, who had begun cheering and chanting, “Ninja! Ninja!” during the altercation, had recorded the incident with their smartphones. Youtube videos went viral long before police arrived three-minutes later.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.


Electronic Arts Announces Latest SIMS Game Will Feature American Elected Representatives

Fired-the-Shot-Heard-Round-the-World-Amber-FergusonWASHINGTON, D.C. (DDP) – Popular Video Game Publisher Electronic Arts (EA) has announced a new edition of its popular Sims franchise, this one featuring American Congressional representatives. It’s title, “The SIMS US Version: Taxation With Representation?,” has already been criticized by some members of Congress.

The Sims is part of the “god game” genre in the video gaming industry. Players design and control virtually every aspect of the playable characters’ worlds, from their clothing, to their housing, to their actual personalities and behavior.

The fictional characters react with each other and their environments naturally, subject to the player’s desired level of interference. For example, within the game’s fictional Washington, the characters can schedule Caribbean vacations, spa treatments, private catered parties, or even terminate an employee in order to hire a more attractive one, just as in “real” life.

In this latest version of the game, a player is given the choice to allow the Congressional characters to vote as they would in the actual world, or to intervene in the fictional world and cause Congress to vote in ways the player best sees fit.

Although EA has announced it will not release the game until November, preorder estimates now exceed a hundred million. An anonymous spokesperson for Electronic Arts told the Depressed in an exclusive telephone interview that people who wanted to go back in time and replay the Obamacare vote had placed approximately 85 percent of the preorders.

The game comes with a new “voice recognition” feature, which players may upload onto their existing gaming devices. Once the upgrade is installed, players may pontificate for as long as they desire. Online play includes the option to filibuster.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, an anonymous spokesperson for EA admitted that the game’s lead developers had originally intended to include a brief tutorial to introduce the original Constitution; however, after beta testers indicated that the American public wasn’t really interested, the developers omitted all references to historical facts.

He said, “The original Founding Fathers had some kind of weird mistrust of government. When you really get into the Bill of Rights, it’s almost like it was written to protect the people from federal control.

“Meanwhile, although gamers tend to be geeky but intelligent public school kids, our beta testers complained that they were having particular trouble understanding Amendment IV. By the time the tutorial got to Amendment X, several of the students complained it was so incomprehensible that they quit in frustration.

“And they kept asking us why the amendment that protects the government from religion was.”

The Depressed has since learned that a planned IRS audit of EA has been cancelled.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.


Congress Considering Sanctions Against Mother Nature

Blue-Rooster-Humorous-Political-News-SpoofWASHINGTON DC. (DDP) – Congress convened for an emergency session this morning to discuss sanctions against Mother Nature after several recent unnatural natural events.

Congress and the rest of a shocked Washington D.C. population woke up Monday morning to a strawberry-pink sky, while residents in Napa Valley were awakened by roosters sporting garish pale blue feathers. Meanwhile, 94 percent of the potatoes grown in Idaho have turned lime green since Sunday.

Environmental experts testified before a bipartisan committee that Mother Nature might have been offended when Congress canceled the weather along with the season of autumn, and she is attempting to retaliate.

In a brief press conference shortly after the emergency session, a Congressional spokesperson said, “Congress was unaware that nature is sentient. It thought that nature was simply a force of … I mean, it didn’t really think there was actually a thinking Being behind it all.

“Congress certainly did not mean to offend anyone, whether he, she, or it is capable of intelligent thought or not; however, if that being is going to get huffy with America, we have no choice but to retaliate. If anything weird happens again, Congress will have no choice but to impose strict sanctions.”

The spokesperson then briefly outlined several proposed actions it may use against Mother Nature that include limiting the amount of oxygen she has to work with, and tightening her access to clean water.

Several propositions being considered by Congress include:

  • Requiring California and other entities with strict emissions restrictions to reverse and/or nullify existing air quality laws.
  • A 10 billion dollar stimulus package for the oil and gas industry, with a binding requirement that at least a hundred unstable refineries be built along the Gulf Coast within a 48-month period.
  • A 50 million dollar stimulus package for the Idaho potato farmers affected by the green potato attack, with a requirement that they must burn their potato farms by December 15, 2013 by dousing them in gas and throwing in a lit match.
  • A 5 million dollar stimulus package for the tire industry, with a requirement that all used tires henceforth be burned on the highest, nearest mountain peak.

Also being considered:

  • Legislation requiring all 50 states to use the U.S. lakes and rivers system as their dump grounds.
  • Encouraging children, through public school educational programs, as well as public service announcements, to begin peeing in public swimming pools.
  • An additional 10 million dollar stimulus package for the oil and gas industry, with a binding requirement that at least 10 percent of the oil obtained from the Gulf Coast be spilled into the closest ocean.
  • A 25 million dollar stimulus package for the maple syrup industry in the Northeast, with a binding requirement that half of the syrup be emptied into Boston Harbor.

He then added, “While Congress realizes these measures may be environmentally harmful, the situation should be only temporary. To combat any possible ill effects, Congress will commandeer the nation’s entire corn supply while the auto manufacturers make vehicles that run on 100 percent ethanol gasoline only.”

Former Arkansas governor and Presidential contender Mike Huckabee, a practicing Christian, held a widely-attended press conference to discuss his views on the unnatural natural events, as well as the nation’s response.

He said, “Though I agree with the concept of a sentient Being behind nature, I just can’t agree it’s a ‘Mother.’ [Christians believe in a ‘Father God.’] There’s certainly no Biblical text that says God will actually turn the sky paisley, but if He wanted to, He could do so without even speaking a word.”

The Fellowship of Opinionated Lady Earth Disciples (FOOLED) then posted this press announcement late Tuesday on its website:

“While we do not currently wish to take a position on the Father God vs. Mother Nature debate, we do want to point out that this unnatural natural disaster is actually a natural result of our human presence infestating and polluting the earth. ”

The announcement continued: “That said, FOOLED is willing to eschew our usual stance against harming our precious Earth until Congress can control natural events.”

Gas prices rose soon after the leak was published. Stock in Kool Aid rose sharply in early trading Wednesday.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.


Hillary Clinton’s Clone Attacked in East Texas Bar; Rednecks Charged with First-Degree Stupidity

Food 2080WASHINGTON, DC (DDP) – President Obama’s cloning taskforce, commissioned by Congress to fulfill the Future American Replenishment Mandate (FARM), announced yesterday that it’s first human cloning experiment produced a near perfect duplicate.

In a brief press conference, the spokesman and chairman of the FARM taskforce, Lew R.O. George, announced the project’s results before a packed audience, which included reporters from all major national media outlets.

He said, “Originally, were concerned about the viability of finding Americans who would agree to allow themselves to be copied like an insignificant memo. But to our delight, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton agreed, shortly after meeting with member of Congress and other top cabinet officials.”

When asked whether Mrs. Clinton’s agreement was tied to a closed-door session she had with the President earlier this year, George declined to answer the question.

He said, “No one from our staff was present at that meeting; however, it is possible that Congressional representatives emphasized the importance of producing a new generation of liberals via cloning just to even up the future voters. Liberals tend to abort future voters at a rate of about three-to-one over conservatives.”

When asked if genetically-farming future voters was legal under the Constitution, he said, “That question should be addressed to someone with a higher pay grade than mine. Margaret Sanger, for instance.”

George then presented a Power Point presentation that detailed the cloning process. He said, “We achieved an exact duplicate of Mrs. Clinton. The clone is an absolute photocopy. At least physically.”

After a brief pause, during which George wiped off a great deal of sweat from his brow, he said, “Physically, Alpha Hera is indeed, theoretically, a flawless genetic copy of Mrs. Clinton.

“The clone retained every iota of the Secretary’s memories and education … unfortunately, her ability to distinguish right from wrong – or good from evil, as some prefer to call it – well … she does seem to have her own … soul.”

He added, “And it’s not a perfect copy.”

He then fainted.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed later that day, a Congressional spokesperson said, “Congress has not authorized me to believe in the existence of a soul, nor can I provide any further details since this is an ongoing disas–I mean, project.”

He then went on to confirm that the ideologies of Mrs. Clinton’s clone, AlphaHera, bear little resemblance to that of Mrs. Clinton herself.  As an example, he cited AlphaHera’s first actions after coming to life: After first saluting the flag, she sang ‘God Bless America,’ enjoyed a long bubble bath, and kicked back with a beer as she listened to a little country and western music.

The spokesperson then said, “Afterward, she demanded a television and Internet in her room. Security cameras caught her watching The O’Reilly Factor her very first night. By her third day of life, she had progressed to viewing the really hardcore stuff – Huckabee, for example. Then we found out she had googled Sarah Palin! She didn’t even try to hide it.”

The source continued, “Toward the end of the second week, George himself walked into the staffroom and found the clone baking cookies in a toaster oven. He freaked, man. He just freaked! He started firing people right and left, and then he threw the phone – the red phone, man – across the room. Then he stomped on her cookies and tore up all her recipes. It was just chaos. Somewhere in the middle of all that, the clone disappeared.”

An anonymous source inside FARM told the Depressed that the cloning experiment had been completed six-weeks before the press conference was held yesterday, but was kept tightly-guarded due to the unexpected personality exhibited by Mrs. Clinton’s genetic twin.

The taskforce released the results to protect AlphaHera herself, after she wandered into an East Texas bar late last week and was attacked by three rednecks, who mistook her for the former First Lady, and believed she was there to “finally take our guns.”

Although the three were arrested on charges of first-degree stupidity and failure to stop and think things through, the clone has not been seen since.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.


Mental Health Specialists to Help High School Students Stop Thinking They’re Adults

ABILENE, TX (DDP) – Abilene High School students who continue to believe that they are actually adults will soon be rescued by mental health specialists from the Adult Behavior Unauthorized in School Environment (ABUSE) in the hope that their attitude doesn’t trend nationwide.

The students, who were originally misled by former principal Pat Henry, have continued to hold gainful employment, volunteer in their community, and cheerfully accept a variety of responsibilities even after Henry was given the death sentence for committing crimes against the state.

In a brief press conference outside the Abilene High School detention center, an ABUSE spokesperson said, “We thought that the summer hiatus would cure the children of the brainwashing they received under Mr. Henry’s tenure. It was believed that they would use the free time to sneak alcohol into pool parties, sext each other, make Jackass videos, and engage in otherwise normal teenage behavior.

Teenagers-Behaving-Like-Adults“Unfortunately, the majority of the teens have spent their summer engaged in activities that are completely abnormal. Craigslist ads for high school Young Republican and Democrat Clubs are rampant; in fact, we’ve even seen a couple of Libertarian and Independent groups. Shocking!

“Meanwhile, students are spending their Saturday nights engaged in healthy activities such as playing tennis, finding homes for shelter dogs, and/or playing backgammon. The Abilene Police Department reports that it may have to lay off as many as a third of its officers because there are simply not enough 18-year-olds trying to buy a beer. What’s the point in our having laws when no one tries to break them?

He concluded, “This is why ABUSE is going to be there in the high school when students return this fall. These kids have to be reacquainted with their role in society.”

In an exclusive telephone interview later that afternoon, the Depressed asked the spokesperson what procedures ABUSE planned to institute to help the students.

He replied, “It’s critical that these kids realize they’re not adults yet, even if they can legally get married or die for their country in a year or so. Since most of the high schoolers are used to going to the bathroom whenever they want, we’ll crack down on that first. That’s kind of a given because it’s so psychologically effective.

“Then we’ll make sure each and every class assigns seating. We’ll also stop the practice of allowing students of differing ages to mingle. It’s important that the kids experience forced friendships based on demographics only. That’s a very powerful technique for making them feel rebellious.”

When the Depressed asked if that was the entire plan, the spokesperson explained that teenagers are so often adept at critical thinking skills that he didn’t want to divulge anything they could competently strategize against.

He then added, “I will tell you, however, that ABUSE’s number one weapon is simply to call them teenagers. Back in my granddad’s day, they didn’t have that word and high school aged students just instinctively understood that they, by default, weren’t children anymore. That’s totally unacceptable.

“I can’t emphasize the importance to this nation that they remain complaint enough in those first few years after childhood for us to reach them, because those are the years the government-funded school system can most easily influence them.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.


Scientists Announce Potentially Fatal Cure for the Common Cold


WASHINGTON, D.C. (DDP) – In a brief press conference this morning, lead researchers for the Scientists Instituting Chemicals Kindly (SICK), which was created after the new healthcare mandate was recently upheld as Constitutional by the Supreme Court, announced they have created a vaccine to prevent the common cold.

The lead scientist at the press event opened by explaining that Congress had commissioned them to cure every disease known to mankind by 2014, so that it could use the healthcare tax dollars to provide mandatory mental heath screenings to every American instead.

He said, “We were commissioned to cure the common cold first because Congress anticipated that everyone who currently treats it with simple bed rest and chicken soup will go to the doctor when each visit is free.

“Congress was initially against this vaccine because it could cause a reduction in revenues from the chicken tax , which it intends to raise to 45 percent after requiring all Americans to stop eating red meat as part of a mandated healthy diet. After we told Congress we could use chicken blood in the vaccines and no tax revenue would be lost, they fully funded the project.

“As a result, we’ve created a vaccine that makes the recipient 100-percent immune to the common cold as long as it doesn’t kill the patient first.”

He then proceeded to list the potential side effects that include, but are not necessarily limited to, the following:

  • A desire to mew at the moon
  • Foaming at the ears
  • Color blindness
  • Loss of ability to add two plus two
  • The inability to stop reciting the multiplication tables
  • A sudden urge to play strip poker with the checkout person at Walmart
  • An urge to peck puppies
  • Hair growth that may exceed 15 feet
  • The ability to turn everything one touches into garlic powder
  • A tendency toward insanity that could cause you to become a writer and/or blogger
  • A desire to listen to disco music
  • A tendency to write love letters to the GEICO gecko after midnight, without being able to recall the event the next day
  • Spontaneous combustion

When the Depressed asked if the chicken blood was the ingredient that caused the potentially harmful effects, he replied that SICK didn’t know.

He then said, “A chicken vaccine alone wasn’t effective at eliminating the common cold in every test subject; however, when we added a mixture of herbicides and pesticides, we found it killed just about anything.

“In fact, it costs the government over a thousand dollars per dose to produce the vaccinations because it requires a hermetically sealed laboratory and a hazmat team to prevent deadly vapors inside the initial mixture from leaking into the air.”

When the Depressed asked why it was acceptable to induce the chemical cocktail into humans but not into the air, the scientist initially looked surprised.

He then replied, “Because that would be bad for the environment, of course.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.


Founding Fathers Return; Benjamin Franklin Arrested Almost Instantly

BOSTON MA (DDP) – Benjamin Franklin was arrested earlier today shortly after he and the rest of the Founding Fathers materialized out of thin air, surprising a group of soccer moms in the play area of a Chik-fil-A.

Franklin, who originally traveled through time when a fifth grader accidentally invented time travel, returned to his own era yesterday to “fetch George Washington” and other fellow members from the Revolutionary Era.

In describing the men’s unanticipated arrival, several of the soccer moms said that a pinpoint of light appeared and then suddenly exploded, seemingly “depositing” the men in its stead. When the women realized the blast was from the past, they each scrambled to be the first to tweet the event, while the patriots stood in shocked silence.

Franklin was the first to break the men’s silence. One woman, who had left her cell phone at home to charge it and was able to fully pay attention to his words, reported that he said, “What the–“ before punching through a wall and apologizing to the other men for the “accidental stop at Woodstock.”

Picketers outside the restaurant saw the men through the glass windows and rushed inside, believing a conservative group had staged some type of publicity stunt inside the controversial restaurant in support of colonial-era marriage traditions. Once inside, a shouting match quickly ensued, during which one soccer mom dropped her smartphone trying to video the event for youtube; however, once the picketers realized that Franklin was shouting, “–limited government, mine kind friends, but they thus falsely did interpret such to so mean an increase into–“ they quieted quickly.

During the melee, a Massachusetts Congressional Representative stopped in for an original Chik-fil-A. sandwich and crinkly fries. When the situation was explained to him, he quickly phoned police, who arrived minutes later and arrested Franklin for several violations of the recently enacted “Fees, Taxes, Regulations and Requirements for Infinity-Based Time Travel” legislation.

Time-Travel-Disassociated-Depressed-by-Amber-FergusonIn a brief press conference shortly after the arrest, a spokesperson for the Representative told incredulous onlookers that Franklin had violated the mandate against both bringing back another party from another time period, as well as against visiting the colonial era.

He said, “While we wish we could welcome the original founding fathers into our generation, the possibility exists that they might attempt to interfere or influence this generation, which could lead to devastating results.

“Franklin broke the Infinite Mandate within 24 hours after it was passed, and he told police when he was arrested that he’d brought the other men back to ‘help him set our generation straight.’”

After the spokesperson rubbed his temples a moment, he continued, “We certainly can’t allow their antiquated notions about their Constitution to cloud our modern day progress. Arresting Franklin right off the bat will, hopefully, scare the other Founding Fathers enough so that they’ll go back to where they belong and not dog us anymore.”

Editor’s note: The Depressed is watching the events and will issue updates as they unfold.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.