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Benjamin Franklin Arrested for Intolerance; Washington Criticizes Healthcare Mandate

San-Antonio-River-Walk-Disassociated-DepressedSAN ANTONIO TX (DDP) – George Washington and the rest of the Founding Fathers, who recently traveled through time after a fifth grader accidentally circumvented nature, held a brief press conference today at the River Walk in San Antonio.

The Founders, who are on the first leg of a tour during which they will observe our generation, spoke before a rapidly growing number of followers, many of whom sported powdered wigs and other Colonial-era clothing and accessories in tribute.

Franklin, whose fondness for science is almost legendary, opened the press conference with a brief note of thanks for the outpouring of support he received when he was recently jailed for violating the new Infinity Law. He then complimented the city of San Antonio for the River Walk and “a most excellent and wondrous interpretation of scientific principle and technology that did lead to preservation of such a fine and beauteous natural retreat beneath its streets.”

He then punched a hole through the Hilton’s glass doors.

As bystanders scrambled to avoid airborne glass shards, Franklin began shouting angrily about the city’s rigid policies that favor LGBT’s and ban anyone who fails to openly support LGBT rights from conducting business within the city. Franklin appeared especially angry regarding the Class C misdemeanor charges levied against offenders.

He said, “”Without morals a republic cannot subsist any length of time; they therefore who are decrying the Christian religion, whose morality is so sublime and pure (and) which insures to the good eternal happiness, are undermining the solid foundation of morals, the best security for the duration of free governments. 

It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded, not by religionists, but by Christians; not on religions, but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. For this very reason peoples of other faiths have been afforded asylum, prosperity, and freedom of worship here.

I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just, that His justice cannot sleep forever.”

After bemoaning the fact that the First Amendment violation had occurred in one of the most conservative American states left, he said that such an atrocity was nearly unimaginable in the city that protects the Alamo, a symbol of freedom revered around the globe.

He then pulled a metal handrail out of the concrete, mangling it nearly beyond recognition with his bare hands.

After Franklin was escorted away in handcuffs, former first President George Washington stepped forward amid cries of Ninja! Ninja! and fielded questions from the remaining bystanders.

When asked what he thought about the new healthcare law, shopping for which just recently opened on the shopping comparison website healthcare.gov, Washington replied, “Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state an intolerable one.

We find the greedy hand of government thrusting itself into every corner and crevice of industry, and grasping the spoil of the multitude. Invention is continually exercised, to furnish new pretenses for revenues and taxation. It watches prosperity as its prey and permits none to escape without tribute.”

When one bystander pointed out that America was merely following the examples set by Canada and other socialist nations that take care of their citizens, Washington replied, “Hold on to the Constitution, for if the American Constitution should fail, there will be anarchy throughout the world.”

He added, “Every step we take towards making the State our Caretaker of our lives, by that much we move toward making the State our Master.

Then he quietly walked away.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Founding Fathers Launch Discovery Tour

Mount-Rushmore-The-Disassociated-DepressedBOSTON (DDP) –  Former first President George Washington, along with the other Founding Fathers who recently returned to this generation, announced today they launching a “Discovery Tour” to assess the current state of the union.

Washington and the other Founders, who arrived here shortly after a fifth-grader accidentally circumvented nature and invented time travel, held a brief press conference this morning outside the Boston homeless shelter where they have been staying and addressed their growing crowd of supporters.

As Washington took the stage along with Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson, supporters – many of whom were wearing buckled shoes, powdered wigs and other garments believed to be Colonial-era clothing – shouted “Ninja! Ninja!” in reference to the first President’s recent single-handed thrashing of several armed opponents.

After waiting several moments for the cheers of the jubilant crowd to subside, Washington said, “Having finished the work assigned me, I retired from the great theatre of Action; and did so bid an Affectionate farewell to the August body under whose orders I had so long acted.

“With delight, my friends and I journeyed forth to visit this nation we did bequeath posterity. The citizens of the United States of America have the right to applaud themselves for having given to mankind examples of an enlarged and liberal policy worthy of imitation. All possess alike liberty of conscience and immunities of citizenship. 

“Yet we sadly find no mound of parchment can be so formed as to stand against the sweeping torrent of boundless ambition on the one side, aided by the sapping current of corrupted morals on the other.

“Such cannot guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism. The basis of our political systems is the right of the people to make and to alter their Constitutions of Government. But the Constitution which at any time exists, ’till changed by an explicit and authentic act of the whole People is sacredly obligatory upon all.

The foundations of our national policy were laid in the pure and immutable principles of private morality. With regret, my friends and I find such principles ignored, forgotten, or held in repulsion by the many. The few who revere such standards would call we patriots’ back, if possible, to remind you.

And so I do find myself once more, summoned by my country, whose voice I can never hear but with veneration and love.

“We go now in hopes of regarding by our own eyes the state of our union and to discover the places where such moral foundations are most rotten.”

Although Washington’s speech was followed immediately by tumultuous cheering, the crowd quickly dispersed after a rumor spread that an anonymous source had reported the event to the police as a non-peaceful assembly.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Pigs Fly

Pigs-Fly-News-Spoof-by-Amber-FergusonWASHINGTON DC (DDP) – In yet another unnatural natural event, pigs across the globe flew yesterday, forcing people as remotely located as Antarctica to keep promises they never thought they’d have to fulfill.

The worst impact seems to have occurred in the American southern states.

Reports of mothers-in-law being respected in both North and South Carolina continue to shock the nation; in Mississippi, at least 40,000 out of work sons-in-law are seeking gainful employment and losing weight.

Angry mobs in Georgia and Alabama have been organizing on their respective state capitols’ steps since Saturday, protesting the state’s slow response to the tragedy; however, in Texas, Governor Rick Perry is already urging Texans to weigh down their donkeys.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, Perry said, “We’re trying to head off further calamity by responding proactively. I’m safe as long as pigs are the only beasts affected, but if those donkeys soar off too, I’ll personally have to spend Thanksgiving with my wife’s family. Now that would be a very serious unnatural natural disaster!”

Although the Fellowship of Opinionated Lady Earth Disciples (FOOLED) immediately posted a message on its website blaming the event on extreme global warming, environmentalists testifying before Congress in an emergency session are holding fast to their previous assertion that Mother Nature is behind the gravitational disruption.

Meanwhile, though blogs across the southern states of the U.S. reflect growing concern that donkeys might indeed be next, globally, blogs seem to indicate a more widespread fear that hell might freeze over.

In response, Mike Huckabee, a practicing Christian and former Arkansas governor, issued a short press release, in which he said, “As I said before: I just can’t get behind the ‘Mother Nature’ theory [Christians believe in a ‘Father God’]; however, I also want to reiterate that, though the Bible never says pigs will fly, if God wants them to fly, don’t plan on buying any more bacon for awhile.”

The press release concluded, “Unfortunately, I can promise you that hell isn’t going to freeze over.”

To dispel the growing fear that the U.S. is in conflict with Mother Nature, a Congressional spokesperson held a brief press conference this morning, during which he said, “Look, we’re still not sure if there’s a sentient being behind this new unnatural natural event or not, because the problem may have actually begun when some Idaho potato farmers fed their pigs green potatoes.

“But, if there is actually a sentient being, she may be doing us a favor. Washington was going to have to tax the bacon and pork sausage industries out of existence anyway, because there’s no way we’re going to be able to build a perfectly healthy society if Americans keep eating poisonous substances like that.

“That said, we are currently working on a $150 billion bailout bill with Congress to save the pork chop and ham industries. It’s up to us here in Washington to make sure there’s a big dose of pork in everything the American people consume.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Benjamin Franklin Released from Boston Jail; Hillary Clinton’s Missing Clone Slips Away from Authorities

Thomas-Jefferson-the-Disassociated-DepressedBOSTON (DDP) – Benjamin Franklin, who recently traveled through time when a fifth-grader accidentally circumvented nature, was released today from the Boston jail where he was being held for violating the Infinite Law.

Franklin breached the new Infinite legislation, which strictly prohibits Americans from visiting the signings of the Constitution and Declaration of Independence, just seconds after it was passed by Congress, when he returned to his own era and fetched back former first President George Washington, along with several other of the Founding Fathers.

Washington and the other Founding Fathers were waiting outside the jail for Franklin, surrounded by a rapidly growing crowd of onlookers, many of whom were wearing powdered wigs, buckled shoes, and other Colonial-era attire. After shaking the hands of both Washington as well as a Founding Father who resembled the face on a nickel, Franklin was overheard asking the other statesmen if they had adequate opportunity to “evaluate this unhappy and, perchance, most lost generation.”

To which Washington replied, “Bad men cannot make good citizens. A vitiated state of morals, a corrupted public conscience are incompatible with freedom.

Before the gentlemen could enter waiting cabs and return to the homeless shelter where they have established temporary residence, wild applause broke out among the onlookers and several began shouting, “Ninja, Ninja,” in reference to Washington’s recent victory against a group of knife-wielding attackers.

Although Washington held up his hands as if to quiet the crowd, a female dressed in moccasins and a deerskin vest leapt onto the hood of a parked car and held up a sign that read #TOPs #theoriginalpatriots return now is the time to begin the world over again, which seemed to further ignite the crowd.

As many of the onlookers held up lighters, those nearest the statesmen pressed toward the men with outstretched arms, pushing them backward until they were almost crushed against the front of the jail. As the police began trying to disperse the crowd, one of the officers suddenly sprinted toward the woman in Native American garb, who tossed her sign into the air and disappeared in the crowd.

In a brief press conference after the incident, a police spokesperson confirmed that the woman did resemble Hillary Clinton, but added that she was probably Alpha Herra, the missing clone from the Future Americans Replenishment Mandate (FARM) project.

When asked by reporters why the police believed the woman was not Mrs. Clinton herself, the spokesperson replied that her sign seemed to indicate that she was favorable toward the original patriots, and that she hoped their return might be the catalyst for some type of change.

He then added, “Besides, it seems unlikely any current U.S. politicians would support the return of the American Founding Fathers. Very, very unlikely.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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George Washington’s Ninja Fight Goes Viral on YouTube

George-Washington-Wins-Ninja-Fight-Disassociated-DepressedBOSTON (DDP) – Former First President of the United States, George Washington, single-handedly disarmed a group of knife-wielding robbers yesterday, just blocks from Nashua Street Jail where Benjamin Franklin is being held.

According to police, the incident began when Washington, along with several other Founding Fathers, left the homeless shelter where they have taken up temporary residence to visit Franklin, who is being held for violating the Infinite Law. The patriots recently arrived in our generation when a fifth-grader accidentally circumvented infinity and invented time travel.

Several other homeless persons who were nearby at the time told reporters that a group of nine hooded individuals emerged from the shadows and encircled the Founders as they left the shelter. The largest of the attackers then pulled Washington away from the other men and placed a knife to his throat.

Witnesses say that the man said, “Just do what you’re–“ but was prevented from speaking further when Washington spun in place and headbutted the attacker, knocking him unconscious.

The former President then spun to his right in a roundhouse kick that knocked out two more of the assailants. Before the half dozen remaining could react, he reportedly spun to his left in a second roundhouse kick, disabling two more.

The four remaining attackers then rushed the elder statesmen as the other Founding Fathers watched quietly from behind. When one of the witnesses moved forward to assist Washington, a man described as matching the picture of “the dude on a nickel” grabbed the would-be assistant and told him, “Kind friend, distress not yourself. Such inexperienced rabble stands no match against yon Washington’s skills.”

As the four neared the patriot, he flipped toward them, over their heads, and then twisted before landing upon his feet to face them. One attacker apparently recovered from the surprise move more quickly than the others and tried to lunge toward the first President; however, before the assailant had a chance to completely extend his knife hand, Washington caught the man’s forearm, twisted, dropped to one knee and flipped the knifeman over a shoulder. The former First President then karate-chopped his assailant in the neck.

The three remaining assailants took the opportunity to attack en masse. Washington jumped to his feet and backed quickly into a corner. Witnesses say that the attackers must have believed they had effectively captured him, because they began taunting the statesman as they closed in; however, before they could react, Washington braced his hands and feet against the corner’s two walls and scrambled up and out of their reach in seconds. He then jumped over them, twisted again, and knocked the last three senseless with a third kick.

Several of the onlookers, who had begun cheering and chanting, “Ninja! Ninja!” during the altercation, had recorded the incident with their smartphones. Youtube videos went viral long before police arrived three-minutes later.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Congress Considering Sanctions Against Mother Nature

Blue-Rooster-Humorous-Political-News-SpoofWASHINGTON DC. (DDP) – Congress convened for an emergency session this morning to discuss sanctions against Mother Nature after several recent unnatural natural events.

Congress and the rest of a shocked Washington D.C. population woke up Monday morning to a strawberry-pink sky, while residents in Napa Valley were awakened by roosters sporting garish pale blue feathers. Meanwhile, 94 percent of the potatoes grown in Idaho have turned lime green since Sunday.

Environmental experts testified before a bipartisan committee that Mother Nature might have been offended when Congress canceled the weather along with the season of autumn, and she is attempting to retaliate.

In a brief press conference shortly after the emergency session, a Congressional spokesperson said, “Congress was unaware that nature is sentient. It thought that nature was simply a force of … I mean, it didn’t really think there was actually a thinking Being behind it all.

“Congress certainly did not mean to offend anyone, whether he, she, or it is capable of intelligent thought or not; however, if that being is going to get huffy with America, we have no choice but to retaliate. If anything weird happens again, Congress will have no choice but to impose strict sanctions.”

The spokesperson then briefly outlined several proposed actions it may use against Mother Nature that include limiting the amount of oxygen she has to work with, and tightening her access to clean water.

Several propositions being considered by Congress include:

  • Requiring California and other entities with strict emissions restrictions to reverse and/or nullify existing air quality laws.
  • A 10 billion dollar stimulus package for the oil and gas industry, with a binding requirement that at least a hundred unstable refineries be built along the Gulf Coast within a 48-month period.
  • A 50 million dollar stimulus package for the Idaho potato farmers affected by the green potato attack, with a requirement that they must burn their potato farms by December 15, 2013 by dousing them in gas and throwing in a lit match.
  • A 5 million dollar stimulus package for the tire industry, with a requirement that all used tires henceforth be burned on the highest, nearest mountain peak.

Also being considered:

  • Legislation requiring all 50 states to use the U.S. lakes and rivers system as their dump grounds.
  • Encouraging children, through public school educational programs, as well as public service announcements, to begin peeing in public swimming pools.
  • An additional 10 million dollar stimulus package for the oil and gas industry, with a binding requirement that at least 10 percent of the oil obtained from the Gulf Coast be spilled into the closest ocean.
  • A 25 million dollar stimulus package for the maple syrup industry in the Northeast, with a binding requirement that half of the syrup be emptied into Boston Harbor.

He then added, “While Congress realizes these measures may be environmentally harmful, the situation should be only temporary. To combat any possible ill effects, Congress will commandeer the nation’s entire corn supply while the auto manufacturers make vehicles that run on 100 percent ethanol gasoline only.”

Former Arkansas governor and Presidential contender Mike Huckabee, a practicing Christian, held a widely-attended press conference to discuss his views on the unnatural natural events, as well as the nation’s response.

He said, “Though I agree with the concept of a sentient Being behind nature, I just can’t agree it’s a ‘Mother.’ [Christians believe in a ‘Father God.’] There’s certainly no Biblical text that says God will actually turn the sky paisley, but if He wanted to, He could do so without even speaking a word.”

The Fellowship of Opinionated Lady Earth Disciples (FOOLED) then posted this press announcement late Tuesday on its website:

“While we do not currently wish to take a position on the Father God vs. Mother Nature debate, we do want to point out that this unnatural natural disaster is actually a natural result of our human presence infestating and polluting the earth. ”

The announcement continued: “That said, FOOLED is willing to eschew our usual stance against harming our precious Earth until Congress can control natural events.”

Gas prices rose soon after the leak was published. Stock in Kool Aid rose sharply in early trading Wednesday.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Hillary Clinton’s Clone Attacked in East Texas Bar; Rednecks Charged with First-Degree Stupidity

Food 2080WASHINGTON, DC (DDP) – President Obama’s cloning taskforce, commissioned by Congress to fulfill the Future American Replenishment Mandate (FARM), announced yesterday that it’s first human cloning experiment produced a near perfect duplicate.

In a brief press conference, the spokesman and chairman of the FARM taskforce, Lew R.O. George, announced the project’s results before a packed audience, which included reporters from all major national media outlets.

He said, “Originally, were concerned about the viability of finding Americans who would agree to allow themselves to be copied like an insignificant memo. But to our delight, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton agreed, shortly after meeting with member of Congress and other top cabinet officials.”

When asked whether Mrs. Clinton’s agreement was tied to a closed-door session she had with the President earlier this year, George declined to answer the question.

He said, “No one from our staff was present at that meeting; however, it is possible that Congressional representatives emphasized the importance of producing a new generation of liberals via cloning just to even up the future voters. Liberals tend to abort future voters at a rate of about three-to-one over conservatives.”

When asked if genetically-farming future voters was legal under the Constitution, he said, “That question should be addressed to someone with a higher pay grade than mine. Margaret Sanger, for instance.”

George then presented a Power Point presentation that detailed the cloning process. He said, “We achieved an exact duplicate of Mrs. Clinton. The clone is an absolute photocopy. At least physically.”

After a brief pause, during which George wiped off a great deal of sweat from his brow, he said, “Physically, Alpha Hera is indeed, theoretically, a flawless genetic copy of Mrs. Clinton.

“The clone retained every iota of the Secretary’s memories and education … unfortunately, her ability to distinguish right from wrong – or good from evil, as some prefer to call it – well … she does seem to have her own … soul.”

He added, “And it’s not a perfect copy.”

He then fainted.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed later that day, a Congressional spokesperson said, “Congress has not authorized me to believe in the existence of a soul, nor can I provide any further details since this is an ongoing disas–I mean, project.”

He then went on to confirm that the ideologies of Mrs. Clinton’s clone, AlphaHera, bear little resemblance to that of Mrs. Clinton herself.  As an example, he cited AlphaHera’s first actions after coming to life: After first saluting the flag, she sang ‘God Bless America,’ enjoyed a long bubble bath, and kicked back with a beer as she listened to a little country and western music.

The spokesperson then said, “Afterward, she demanded a television and Internet in her room. Security cameras caught her watching The O’Reilly Factor her very first night. By her third day of life, she had progressed to viewing the really hardcore stuff – Huckabee, for example. Then we found out she had googled Sarah Palin! She didn’t even try to hide it.”

The source continued, “Toward the end of the second week, George himself walked into the staffroom and found the clone baking cookies in a toaster oven. He freaked, man. He just freaked! He started firing people right and left, and then he threw the phone – the red phone, man – across the room. Then he stomped on her cookies and tore up all her recipes. It was just chaos. Somewhere in the middle of all that, the clone disappeared.”

An anonymous source inside FARM told the Depressed that the cloning experiment had been completed six-weeks before the press conference was held yesterday, but was kept tightly-guarded due to the unexpected personality exhibited by Mrs. Clinton’s genetic twin.

The taskforce released the results to protect AlphaHera herself, after she wandered into an East Texas bar late last week and was attacked by three rednecks, who mistook her for the former First Lady, and believed she was there to “finally take our guns.”

Although the three were arrested on charges of first-degree stupidity and failure to stop and think things through, the clone has not been seen since.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.