0

Noah Webster Flunks the SAT

Noah-Webster-Flunks-SAT-Amber-FergusonLIVINGSTON, TX (DDP) – First President George Washington and the rest of the Founding Fathers, who recently traveled through time when a fifth grader accidentally circumvented nature, met this weekend with the high school principal that is currently on death row in Texas for treating high school children like adults.

The Founders are on a tour to observe our generation and are frequently accompanied by a growing entourage of adoring groupies wearing buckled shoes and other Colonial-era clothing and accessories. The Depressed, along with most other major media outlets, have been chronicling their journey.

Although the statesmen were delayed in Texas, their first destination, when Benjamin Franklin was jailed for denouncing San Antonio’s new anti-discrimination ordinance, when the imprisoned principal finally met with the Founders, he explained that his crime against the state originally began because he thought high school students “rebelled” from due to their dislike of being treated the same as kindergartners.

As the statesmen peppered the prisoner with questions, the educator explained that, besides his crime of treating his students like young adults, he’d also tried to teach the students how to balance a checkbook, how to vote responsibly instead of selfishly, and how to properly prepare a resumé.

When Franklin asked what the students were learning instead of such common sense, the principal explained it was the Common Core. He then briefly outlined the SAT. That was when Franklin, who is gaining a reputation for being the most angry member of the angry group of returning Founding Fathers, launched into such a tirade of expletives that we had to delete his entire speech. Death row guards then ejected him from the premises.

Franklin immediately traveled back through time and returned with Noah Webster, dubbed “Father of American Scholarship and Education” by succeeding generations After the original educator met with the doomed high school principal, he announced that he was going to take the SAT to judge for himself what knowledge this generation of American high school graduates is expected to master.

Although the SAT organization does not release test results to the general public, when Webster received his failing scores soon thereafter, he had this to say to the Depressed in an exclusive telephone interview.

After strongly criticizing the SAT in general, he said, “The only foundation for a useful education in a republic is to be aid in religion. Without this there can be no virtue, and without virtue there can be no liberty, and liberty is the object and life of all republican governments. Without religion, I believe that learning does real mischief to the morals and principles of mankind.”

The Depressed has since learned that Webster failed to correctly answer a single algebraic question, although we are happy to report that he was kind enough to prepare a budget for our news organization shortly afterward. The Depressed is now able to meet its obligations for the first time in our history.

Webster also failed the grammatical section of the achievement test, due to the fact that, in colonial America, the statesmen often capitalized nouns for no discernable explanation, used commas seemingly at random, and did not believe that clauses beginning with which require a comma at the beginning of the phrase; in fact, although our Founding Fathers’ actual quotes frequently send the Depressed editors into near hysterics, nevertheless, we will continue to report the statesmen’s words verbatim.

Most surprising was the textbook pioneer’s failing score for the reading portion of the test. When asked to comment on the issue, he said, “SAT is thus an exam that does stand on its head! I did carefully peruse each essay, and was left with no doubt I could thereby answer any queries regarding each piece with intelligence.

“Yet, the very questions themselves failed to inquire if I understood that which I had read. Rather, they were but to test if I did understand the author’s intent.

“Kind friend, graduates of this very generation are educated not to think for themselves, only thus to remember what they are told!”

Although the Depressed failed to understand Webster’s explanation, we then asked him if there was anything the current public education system needed to change.

He said, “We have a dangerous trend beginning to take place in our education. We’re starting to put more and more textbooks into our schools… We’ve become accustomed of late of putting little books into the hands of children containing fables and moral lessons… We are spending less time in the classroom on the Bible, which should be the principle text in our schools… The Bible states these great moral lessons better than any other manmade book.

Should not the Bible regain the place it once held as a schoolbook? Its morals are pure, its examples are captivating and noble… The reverence for the sacred book that is thus early impressed lasts long; and, probably, if not impressed in infancy, never takes firm hold of the mind… .

The evil that has resulted from the error of the schools in teaching natural philosophy as an accomplishment only has been that of generating in the pupils a species of atheism. Instead of looking through the works of the creation to the Creator himself, they stop short, and employ the knowledge they acquire to create doubts of His existence. ”

After pausing for a moment, he added, “Man [has] become…what the theory of atheism declares him to be-a companion for brutes.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

For a timeline of “religion” in American public schools, see here.

1

Benjamin Franklin Arrested for Intolerance; Washington Criticizes Healthcare Mandate

San-Antonio-River-Walk-Disassociated-DepressedSAN ANTONIO TX (DDP) – George Washington and the rest of the Founding Fathers, who recently traveled through time after a fifth grader accidentally circumvented nature, held a brief press conference today at the River Walk in San Antonio.

The Founders, who are on the first leg of a tour during which they will observe our generation, spoke before a rapidly growing number of followers, many of whom sported powdered wigs and other Colonial-era clothing and accessories in tribute.

Franklin, whose fondness for science is almost legendary, opened the press conference with a brief note of thanks for the outpouring of support he received when he was recently jailed for violating the new Infinity Law. He then complimented the city of San Antonio for the River Walk and “a most excellent and wondrous interpretation of scientific principle and technology that did lead to preservation of such a fine and beauteous natural retreat beneath its streets.”

He then punched a hole through the Hilton’s glass doors.

As bystanders scrambled to avoid airborne glass shards, Franklin began shouting angrily about the city’s rigid policies that favor LGBT’s and ban anyone who fails to openly support LGBT rights from conducting business within the city. Franklin appeared especially angry regarding the Class C misdemeanor charges levied against offenders.

He said, “”Without morals a republic cannot subsist any length of time; they therefore who are decrying the Christian religion, whose morality is so sublime and pure (and) which insures to the good eternal happiness, are undermining the solid foundation of morals, the best security for the duration of free governments. 

It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded, not by religionists, but by Christians; not on religions, but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. For this very reason peoples of other faiths have been afforded asylum, prosperity, and freedom of worship here.

I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just, that His justice cannot sleep forever.”

After bemoaning the fact that the First Amendment violation had occurred in one of the most conservative American states left, he said that such an atrocity was nearly unimaginable in the city that protects the Alamo, a symbol of freedom revered around the globe.

He then pulled a metal handrail out of the concrete, mangling it nearly beyond recognition with his bare hands.

After Franklin was escorted away in handcuffs, former first President George Washington stepped forward amid cries of Ninja! Ninja! and fielded questions from the remaining bystanders.

When asked what he thought about the new healthcare law, shopping for which just recently opened on the shopping comparison website healthcare.gov, Washington replied, “Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state an intolerable one.

We find the greedy hand of government thrusting itself into every corner and crevice of industry, and grasping the spoil of the multitude. Invention is continually exercised, to furnish new pretenses for revenues and taxation. It watches prosperity as its prey and permits none to escape without tribute.”

When one bystander pointed out that America was merely following the examples set by Canada and other socialist nations that take care of their citizens, Washington replied, “Hold on to the Constitution, for if the American Constitution should fail, there will be anarchy throughout the world.”

He added, “Every step we take towards making the State our Caretaker of our lives, by that much we move toward making the State our Master.

Then he quietly walked away.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

0

Pork Flattens Rural Protestor After Purchase Mandate Passes

Lake-Livingston-in-Background-Amber-FergusonHOUSTON (DDP) – Residents in the Crises Point subdivision of Lake Livingston, about 75-miles north of Houston, protested outside the entrance to the central clubhouse this morning after the governing board announced that both homeowners as well as renters would be required to own a minimum of two lots before the end of the fiscal year.

The mandate was passed after property values plummeted when an FHA appraiser discovered that 90 percent of existing homes within the subdivision had cracked slabs.

In a brief press conference held outside the entrance to the subdivision’s swimming pool, the lead member of the Crises Point exploratory committee, Future Opportunity to Raise Money Easily (FORCE), said, “After the disastrous effects the FHA report had on local property values, the resale potential for even unimproved lots was adversely affected.

“Local realtors were so taken aback that they removed current MLS postings from their databases; meanwhile, three of our property owners with current listings had pending contracts pulled right out from under their noses. Obviously, the board had to do something, lest we all suffer.

“To that end, FORCE determined that the most equitable way to increase property values was to mandate that subdivision renters, who do occasionally use the amenities here without paying anything directly to the board, purchase at least two lots immediately. Current property owners who already own at least two lots can simply keep their current ones, or exchange them for more agreeable locations.”

When asked if squatters currently residing in unoccupied rental cabins were affected by the mandate, the spokesperson replied, “Of course not. We certainly can’t force anyone who isn’t supposed to be here to abide by our rules. They made that clear when they reinstated me as board president during our last election.”

Signs the protestors carried featured slogans such as: If I could afford to own two lots here, I’d already own two lots here and How can I afford this when you keep raising the MUD taxes.

When the Depressed caught up to one protestor, whose sign read Take your lakefront lots and shove it, we asked him what he meant by such a vague statement.

He said, “I was going to keep the two lakefront lots I already own, because they told us that we didn’t have to exchange them unless we found better ones. I just recently found out that I have to switch my lakefront property for two weedy interior options instead. What’s worse is that the board members with lakefront spots get to keep theirs. How can this be fair?”

Before the Depressed could explain to him that we understood FORCE was only there to help him, a noticeably obese pig suddenly fell from the sky and knocked the man senseless.

© Amber Ferguson

There is no Crises Point subdivision on Lake Livingston.

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

1

Pigs Fly

Pigs-Fly-News-Spoof-by-Amber-FergusonWASHINGTON DC (DDP) – In yet another unnatural natural event, pigs across the globe flew yesterday, forcing people as remotely located as Antarctica to keep promises they never thought they’d have to fulfill.

The worst impact seems to have occurred in the American southern states.

Reports of mothers-in-law being respected in both North and South Carolina continue to shock the nation; in Mississippi, at least 40,000 out of work sons-in-law are seeking gainful employment and losing weight.

Angry mobs in Georgia and Alabama have been organizing on their respective state capitols’ steps since Saturday, protesting the state’s slow response to the tragedy; however, in Texas, Governor Rick Perry is already urging Texans to weigh down their donkeys.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, Perry said, “We’re trying to head off further calamity by responding proactively. I’m safe as long as pigs are the only beasts affected, but if those donkeys soar off too, I’ll personally have to spend Thanksgiving with my wife’s family. Now that would be a very serious unnatural natural disaster!”

Although the Fellowship of Opinionated Lady Earth Disciples (FOOLED) immediately posted a message on its website blaming the event on extreme global warming, environmentalists testifying before Congress in an emergency session are holding fast to their previous assertion that Mother Nature is behind the gravitational disruption.

Meanwhile, though blogs across the southern states of the U.S. reflect growing concern that donkeys might indeed be next, globally, blogs seem to indicate a more widespread fear that hell might freeze over.

In response, Mike Huckabee, a practicing Christian and former Arkansas governor, issued a short press release, in which he said, “As I said before: I just can’t get behind the ‘Mother Nature’ theory [Christians believe in a ‘Father God’]; however, I also want to reiterate that, though the Bible never says pigs will fly, if God wants them to fly, don’t plan on buying any more bacon for awhile.”

The press release concluded, “Unfortunately, I can promise you that hell isn’t going to freeze over.”

To dispel the growing fear that the U.S. is in conflict with Mother Nature, a Congressional spokesperson held a brief press conference this morning, during which he said, “Look, we’re still not sure if there’s a sentient being behind this new unnatural natural event or not, because the problem may have actually begun when some Idaho potato farmers fed their pigs green potatoes.

“But, if there is actually a sentient being, she may be doing us a favor. Washington was going to have to tax the bacon and pork sausage industries out of existence anyway, because there’s no way we’re going to be able to build a perfectly healthy society if Americans keep eating poisonous substances like that.

“That said, we are currently working on a $150 billion bailout bill with Congress to save the pork chop and ham industries. It’s up to us here in Washington to make sure there’s a big dose of pork in everything the American people consume.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

1

HOOEE Attacks Lakewood Church; Says, “We Don’t Want the Backtalk the Evolutionists Had”

Aliens-and-the-Israelites-Disassociated-DepressedHOUSTON TX (DDP) — A national group of scholars known as the Historical Observation Organization Effectively Educating (HOOEE) filed a civil suit against Lakewood Church late yesterday because the organization believes that the minister failed to tell his congregation that aliens saved the Israelites of the Bible.

In a brief press conference held just minutes after the suit was filed, a spokesperson for HOOEE said, “This is an important scientific discovery. We decided a little offense was going to be the best defense against any possible argument from the evangelical factions. We’re going after Lakewood first because it’s one of the megachurches. If we can shut it up, hopefully, the smaller ones will follow suit.”

He continued, “The evolutionists apparently didn’t anticipate backlash when they explained how life began on earth. They got the scientifically-proven clarification into the schools and thought that was the end of it; unfortunately, a few of the school kids came from Christian homes, and they started arguing practically from day one.”

He concluded, “As a matter of fact, they’re still arguing.”

The Depressed contacted one of the original evolutionists, who told us in an exclusive telephone interview, “Yes, we should have practiced a little more preventative measures. We didn’t expect the backlash. While we managed to correct all the public school textbooks, both the Protestants and the Catholics argued like crazy. Worse, then the homeschooling movement took off!

“People need to finally, finally accept on faith that we’re correct in saying that a rodent-like mammal lost its ability to run on its legs and catch prey, but then grew wings and developed sonar to help it catch prey, without dying from starvation over the couple of centuries required for the transformation to take place.”

HOOEE filed the lawsuit because Lakewood’s policy is to believe in the Bible, which states that a god rained down manna (bread) from heaven, preventing the original Israelites from starving while they wandered aimlessly in a desert for forty years.

HOOEE disputes the Biblical account as being merely a legend, and reports that it was aliens who saved the Israelites instead; that is, the aliens noticed the wanderers and, worried that they might indeed starve, provided a breadmaker for the Israelites.

In response, Lakewood, issued this press announcement:

“While the historians might not believe in a merciful God, the alien assumption doesn’t explain how the aliens kept the Israelites’ shoes from wearing out for forty years.

They also failed to explain how the aliens got the people across the Red Sea, or how they could have halted the waters in the Jordon River.”

When contacted by the Depressed, an anonymous spokesperson for HOOEE said, “Yes, that’s exactly the kind of sass we were afraid of.”

Lakewood’s pastor, Joel Osteen, who was recently the victim of a massive Internet hoax, was unavailable for comment.

Editor’s Note: A group of Depressed fact checkers studied the Biblical account and verified Lakewood’s assertions; however, two of the fact checkers were suspended after they became curious about the text in Revelation and converted to Christianity.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

2

High School Principal Receives Death Sentence for Treating High School Students Like Adults

ABILENE, TX (DDP) – Pat Henry, the Texas principal convicted last Friday of Crimes Against the State, Subversive Intent and multiple counts of Brainwashing a Minor, was sentenced to death yesterday.

The controversial educator was transferred to Abilene High School in Abilene, Texas after the school received an “Academically Unacceptable” rating in 2010 from the state’s board of education, the Texas Education Agency (TEA). In just one year under Henry’s tenure, the institution so dramatically turned around that it received a rating of  “Exemplary,” the highest rating given by the TEA.

Smoking Inmate (Amber Ferguson)After it was discovered that the dropout rate had decreased to absolute zero under Henry’s tenure, an anonymous source working in the Abilene school district notified the TEA that the students had actually enjoyed attending school the past year. When the TEA began investigating the shocking allegation, a second informer told the TEA that at least 25 seniors had actually cried on their last day of public school.

When the TEA discovered that two of the seniors had tried to break into the school’s computer database to modify their school records so that it would appear they had flunked their last year, Henry was immediately arrested and brought before a disciplinary panel for interrogation.

Henry initially tried to avoid answering any questions regarding why the students enjoyed attending school, but under intense questioning, he admitted to the panel of inquisitors that he had treated the students like adults, causing the TEA to promptly file charges.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, Henry said, “I’m an adult myself, and so are my friends. If anyone tried to tell us when we could go to the john, we’d probably feel a bit rebellious too.

“I figured if I stopped trying to control my students like we have to contain kindergartners, they’d stop behaving like rebellious children. If the tables were turned, wouldn’t you?”

After a brief pause during which it seemed that Henry was trying to regain his composure, he added, “I-I thought my idea was working. No one dropped out. Over 80 percent of all the students made the honor roll. I wasn’t worried until the seniors all voluntarily went out and got jobs.

“But, it wasn’t until they built a well for an Ethiopian village that I had to admit I’d started a snowball, and it was gathering speed something awful. Most adults won’t do something like that! How was I supposed to know that if you respectfully challenge teenagers, they’re so energetic they just might surprise you?”

The Depressed learned that, in early autumn last year (some nine months before the seniors’ shockingly selfless endeavor), Henry had called a school assembly and informed the students that they were actually adults already.

The most serious of the charges, multiple counts of Brainwashing a Minor, were imposed because the principal tried to reclassify attending classes as “work.” As the school year progressed, Henry reclassified the classrooms as “work spaces,” the school curricula as “projects” and report cards as “student evaluations.

By March, the students no longer were under a mandatory dress code, but had begun to dress in what Henry had by then classified as “business casual.” Two of the jurors admitted, however, that it was because Henry had installed water coolers where he allowed the students to chat quietly that they’d given him the death sentence.

The Depressed recently uncovered evidence that, after the seniors’ Ethiopian caper, Henry had tried to slow their efforts by imposing so much homework that the students would have to quit their jobs. Unfortunately for Henry, the seniors responded by rising to the challenge of the new responsibility (at least 63 percent actually received raises from their employers during that time), causing the junior class to request additional responsibilities as well.

Henry had then issued a mandatory naptime after lunch for the students; however, most of the hard-working students welcomed the nap.

In his growing desperation to make gainful employment unattractive to the seniors, the principal then approached the Abilene city council with the proposition that a mandatory curfew be imposed on anyone under 18, the violation of which would incur a $5,000 fine. Henry’s bad luck continued when two of the council members announced that their geriatric mothers were better off now that several of the seniors were working as personal caregivers at the local Alzheimer’s facility where the women lived.

Henry is being held at the Polunsky Unit outside of Livingston, Texas, where he has already appealed his sentence in a case that is expected to reach the Supreme Court. Lobbyists for the state are reportedly already on their way from Germany, and are preparing to testify before the Court that students from kindergarten through high school must be uniformly controlled by the state in order to become good citizens.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.