Congress and the rest of a shocked Washington D.C. population woke up Monday morning to a strawberry-pink sky, while residents in Napa Valley were awakened by roosters sporting garish pale blue feathers. Meanwhile, 94 percent of the potatoes grown in Idaho have turned lime green since Sunday.
Environmental experts testified before a bipartisan committee that Mother Nature might have been offended when Congress canceled the weather along with the season of autumn, and she is attempting to retaliate.
In a brief press conference shortly after the emergency session, a Congressional spokesperson said, “Congress was unaware that nature is sentient. It thought that nature was simply a force of … I mean, it didn’t really think there was actually a thinking Being behind it all.
“Congress certainly did not mean to offend anyone, whether he, she, or it is capable of intelligent thought or not; however, if that being is going to get huffy with America, we have no choice but to retaliate. If anything weird happens again, Congress will have no choice but to impose strict sanctions.”
The spokesperson then briefly outlined several proposed actions it may use against Mother Nature that include limiting the amount of oxygen she has to work with, and tightening her access to clean water.
Several propositions being considered by Congress include:
- Requiring California and other entities with strict emissions restrictions to reverse and/or nullify existing air quality laws.
- A 10 billion dollar stimulus package for the oil and gas industry, with a binding requirement that at least a hundred unstable refineries be built along the Gulf Coast within a 48-month period.
- A 50 million dollar stimulus package for the Idaho potato farmers affected by the green potato attack, with a requirement that they must burn their potato farms by December 15, 2013 by dousing them in gas and throwing in a lit match.
- A 5 million dollar stimulus package for the tire industry, with a requirement that all used tires henceforth be burned on the highest, nearest mountain peak.
Also being considered:
- Legislation requiring all 50 states to use the U.S. lakes and rivers system as their dump grounds.
- Encouraging children, through public school educational programs, as well as public service announcements, to begin peeing in public swimming pools.
- An additional 10 million dollar stimulus package for the oil and gas industry, with a binding requirement that at least 10 percent of the oil obtained from the Gulf Coast be spilled into the closest ocean.
- A 25 million dollar stimulus package for the maple syrup industry in the Northeast, with a binding requirement that half of the syrup be emptied into Boston Harbor.
He then added, “While Congress realizes these measures may be environmentally harmful, the situation should be only temporary. To combat any possible ill effects, Congress will commandeer the nation’s entire corn supply while the auto manufacturers make vehicles that run on 100 percent ethanol gasoline only.”
Former Arkansas governor and Presidential contender Mike Huckabee, a practicing Christian, held a widely-attended press conference to discuss his views on the unnatural natural events, as well as the nation’s response.
He said, “Though I agree with the concept of a sentient Being behind nature, I just can’t agree it’s a ‘Mother.’ [Christians believe in a ‘Father God.’] There’s certainly no Biblical text that says God will actually turn the sky paisley, but if He wanted to, He could do so without even speaking a word.”
The Fellowship of Opinionated Lady Earth Disciples (FOOLED) then posted this press announcement late Tuesday on its website:
“While we do not currently wish to take a position on the Father God vs. Mother Nature debate, we do want to point out that this unnatural natural disaster is actually a natural result of our human presence infestating and polluting the earth. ”
The announcement continued: “That said, FOOLED is willing to eschew our usual stance against harming our precious Earth until Congress can control natural events.”
Gas prices rose soon after the leak was published. Stock in Kool Aid rose sharply in early trading Wednesday.
This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.