WASHINGTON, DC (DDP) – President Obama’s cloning taskforce, commissioned by Congress to fulfill the Future American Replenishment Mandate (FARM), announced yesterday that it’s first human cloning experiment produced a near perfect duplicate.
In a brief press conference, the spokesman and chairman of the FARM taskforce, Lew R.O. George, announced the project’s results before a packed audience, which included reporters from all major national media outlets.
He said, “Originally, were concerned about the viability of finding Americans who would agree to allow themselves to be copied like an insignificant memo. But to our delight, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton agreed, shortly after meeting with member of Congress and other top cabinet officials.”
When asked whether Mrs. Clinton’s agreement was tied to a closed-door session she had with the President earlier this year, George declined to answer the question.
He said, “No one from our staff was present at that meeting; however, it is possible that Congressional representatives emphasized the importance of producing a new generation of liberals via cloning just to even up the future voters. Liberals tend to abort future voters at a rate of about three-to-one over conservatives.”
When asked if genetically-farming future voters was legal under the Constitution, he said, “That question should be addressed to someone with a higher pay grade than mine. Margaret Sanger, for instance.”
George then presented a Power Point presentation that detailed the cloning process. He said, “We achieved an exact duplicate of Mrs. Clinton. The clone is an absolute photocopy. At least physically.”
After a brief pause, during which George wiped off a great deal of sweat from his brow, he said, “Physically, Alpha Hera is indeed, theoretically, a flawless genetic copy of Mrs. Clinton.
“The clone retained every iota of the Secretary’s memories and education … unfortunately, her ability to distinguish right from wrong – or good from evil, as some prefer to call it – well … she does seem to have her own … soul.”
He added, “And it’s not a perfect copy.”
He then fainted.
In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed later that day, a Congressional spokesperson said, “Congress has not authorized me to believe in the existence of a soul, nor can I provide any further details since this is an ongoing disas–I mean, project.”
He then went on to confirm that the ideologies of Mrs. Clinton’s clone, AlphaHera, bear little resemblance to that of Mrs. Clinton herself. As an example, he cited AlphaHera’s first actions after coming to life: After first saluting the flag, she sang ‘God Bless America,’ enjoyed a long bubble bath, and kicked back with a beer as she listened to a little country and western music.
The spokesperson then said, “Afterward, she demanded a television and Internet in her room. Security cameras caught her watching The O’Reilly Factor her very first night. By her third day of life, she had progressed to viewing the really hardcore stuff – Huckabee, for example. Then we found out she had googled Sarah Palin! She didn’t even try to hide it.”
The source continued, “Toward the end of the second week, George himself walked into the staffroom and found the clone baking cookies in a toaster oven. He freaked, man. He just freaked! He started firing people right and left, and then he threw the phone – the red phone, man – across the room. Then he stomped on her cookies and tore up all her recipes. It was just chaos. Somewhere in the middle of all that, the clone disappeared.”
An anonymous source inside FARM told the Depressed that the cloning experiment had been completed six-weeks before the press conference was held yesterday, but was kept tightly-guarded due to the unexpected personality exhibited by Mrs. Clinton’s genetic twin.
The taskforce released the results to protect AlphaHera herself, after she wandered into an East Texas bar late last week and was attacked by three rednecks, who mistook her for the former First Lady, and believed she was there to “finally take our guns.”
Although the three were arrested on charges of first-degree stupidity and failure to stop and think things through, the clone has not been seen since.
© Amber Ferguson
This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.