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Lakewood Church Exposes HOOEE

Endless sandHouston TX (DDP) – Lakewood Church, the mega church being sued by HOOEE, the Historical Observation Organization Effectively Educating, recently discovered that the historical institution had attempted to alter a Christian-related document.

HOOEE filed the civil suit because Lakewood contradicts the HOOEE assertion that aliens fed the Israelites as they wandered in the desert for 40 years, rather than “God.” The organization said that it didn’t want to have the same long-term trouble with the Christians that the evolutionists have had.

In a brief press release this morning, pastor Joel Osteen said, “Thanks to one of our wonderful assistants, we discovered seconds before an email was sent to our list subscribers that a sentence regarding the perseverance of David, Elijah and Joseph that should have read ‘They didn’t give up, and God gave them victory!’ had been changed to ‘They didn’t give up, and extraterrestrial gave them the victory! And food!’”

The press release went on to list additional sentences in which Osteen’s words about God had been changed to better support HOOEE historical evidence.

It concluded, “Even if we are surrounded by 400 falsehoods, the power of God will still be revealed for everyone to see.”

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, the lead HOOEE historian said, “We’re certainly not finished trying to debunk the ‘God’ myth; however, we admit it was a bit early to attempt such a substantial subversion.

“We’ve got to get under their skin a bit first, so we’re going to go after the church teenagers. Just like adults, there certainly are a lot of them who claim to be Christians, but we have it on good evidence that few of them personally know what the Bible says. It’s unfortunate, however, that those who have read It are kind of nutty about It.

“Anyway, once the Christian kids believe it, we’ll have the next generation for sure. That’s what’s so cool about the public school system.”

When the Depressed asked what he meant, the spokesperson pointed out how the grandparents of the current generation of school children didn’t even have an Earth Day, but that their kids learned to revere it in public school, and then taught their own children.

He added, “That’s why we call it progress.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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HOOEE Attacks Lakewood Church; Says, “We Don’t Want the Backtalk the Evolutionists Had”

Aliens-and-the-Israelites-Disassociated-DepressedHOUSTON TX (DDP) — A national group of scholars known as the Historical Observation Organization Effectively Educating (HOOEE) filed a civil suit against Lakewood Church late yesterday because the organization believes that the minister failed to tell his congregation that aliens saved the Israelites of the Bible.

In a brief press conference held just minutes after the suit was filed, a spokesperson for HOOEE said, “This is an important scientific discovery. We decided a little offense was going to be the best defense against any possible argument from the evangelical factions. We’re going after Lakewood first because it’s one of the megachurches. If we can shut it up, hopefully, the smaller ones will follow suit.”

He continued, “The evolutionists apparently didn’t anticipate backlash when they explained how life began on earth. They got the scientifically-proven clarification into the schools and thought that was the end of it; unfortunately, a few of the school kids came from Christian homes, and they started arguing practically from day one.”

He concluded, “As a matter of fact, they’re still arguing.”

The Depressed contacted one of the original evolutionists, who told us in an exclusive telephone interview, “Yes, we should have practiced a little more preventative measures. We didn’t expect the backlash. While we managed to correct all the public school textbooks, both the Protestants and the Catholics argued like crazy. Worse, then the homeschooling movement took off!

“People need to finally, finally accept on faith that we’re correct in saying that a rodent-like mammal lost its ability to run on its legs and catch prey, but then grew wings and developed sonar to help it catch prey, without dying from starvation over the couple of centuries required for the transformation to take place.”

HOOEE filed the lawsuit because Lakewood’s policy is to believe in the Bible, which states that a god rained down manna (bread) from heaven, preventing the original Israelites from starving while they wandered aimlessly in a desert for forty years.

HOOEE disputes the Biblical account as being merely a legend, and reports that it was aliens who saved the Israelites instead; that is, the aliens noticed the wanderers and, worried that they might indeed starve, provided a breadmaker for the Israelites.

In response, Lakewood, issued this press announcement:

“While the historians might not believe in a merciful God, the alien assumption doesn’t explain how the aliens kept the Israelites’ shoes from wearing out for forty years.

They also failed to explain how the aliens got the people across the Red Sea, or how they could have halted the waters in the Jordon River.”

When contacted by the Depressed, an anonymous spokesperson for HOOEE said, “Yes, that’s exactly the kind of sass we were afraid of.”

Lakewood’s pastor, Joel Osteen, who was recently the victim of a massive Internet hoax, was unavailable for comment.

Editor’s Note: A group of Depressed fact checkers studied the Biblical account and verified Lakewood’s assertions; however, two of the fact checkers were suspended after they became curious about the text in Revelation and converted to Christianity.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.