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Noah Webster Flunks the SAT

Noah-Webster-Flunks-SAT-Amber-FergusonLIVINGSTON, TX (DDP) – First President George Washington and the rest of the Founding Fathers, who recently traveled through time when a fifth grader accidentally circumvented nature, met this weekend with the high school principal that is currently on death row in Texas for treating high school children like adults.

The Founders are on a tour to observe our generation and are frequently accompanied by a growing entourage of adoring groupies wearing buckled shoes and other Colonial-era clothing and accessories. The Depressed, along with most other major media outlets, have been chronicling their journey.

Although the statesmen were delayed in Texas, their first destination, when Benjamin Franklin was jailed for denouncing San Antonio’s new anti-discrimination ordinance, when the imprisoned principal finally met with the Founders, he explained that his crime against the state originally began because he thought high school students “rebelled” from due to their dislike of being treated the same as kindergartners.

As the statesmen peppered the prisoner with questions, the educator explained that, besides his crime of treating his students like young adults, he’d also tried to teach the students how to balance a checkbook, how to vote responsibly instead of selfishly, and how to properly prepare a resumé.

When Franklin asked what the students were learning instead of such common sense, the principal explained it was the Common Core. He then briefly outlined the SAT. That was when Franklin, who is gaining a reputation for being the most angry member of the angry group of returning Founding Fathers, launched into such a tirade of expletives that we had to delete his entire speech. Death row guards then ejected him from the premises.

Franklin immediately traveled back through time and returned with Noah Webster, dubbed “Father of American Scholarship and Education” by succeeding generations After the original educator met with the doomed high school principal, he announced that he was going to take the SAT to judge for himself what knowledge this generation of American high school graduates is expected to master.

Although the SAT organization does not release test results to the general public, when Webster received his failing scores soon thereafter, he had this to say to the Depressed in an exclusive telephone interview.

After strongly criticizing the SAT in general, he said, “The only foundation for a useful education in a republic is to be aid in religion. Without this there can be no virtue, and without virtue there can be no liberty, and liberty is the object and life of all republican governments. Without religion, I believe that learning does real mischief to the morals and principles of mankind.”

The Depressed has since learned that Webster failed to correctly answer a single algebraic question, although we are happy to report that he was kind enough to prepare a budget for our news organization shortly afterward. The Depressed is now able to meet its obligations for the first time in our history.

Webster also failed the grammatical section of the achievement test, due to the fact that, in colonial America, the statesmen often capitalized nouns for no discernable explanation, used commas seemingly at random, and did not believe that clauses beginning with which require a comma at the beginning of the phrase; in fact, although our Founding Fathers’ actual quotes frequently send the Depressed editors into near hysterics, nevertheless, we will continue to report the statesmen’s words verbatim.

Most surprising was the textbook pioneer’s failing score for the reading portion of the test. When asked to comment on the issue, he said, “SAT is thus an exam that does stand on its head! I did carefully peruse each essay, and was left with no doubt I could thereby answer any queries regarding each piece with intelligence.

“Yet, the very questions themselves failed to inquire if I understood that which I had read. Rather, they were but to test if I did understand the author’s intent.

“Kind friend, graduates of this very generation are educated not to think for themselves, only thus to remember what they are told!”

Although the Depressed failed to understand Webster’s explanation, we then asked him if there was anything the current public education system needed to change.

He said, “We have a dangerous trend beginning to take place in our education. We’re starting to put more and more textbooks into our schools… We’ve become accustomed of late of putting little books into the hands of children containing fables and moral lessons… We are spending less time in the classroom on the Bible, which should be the principle text in our schools… The Bible states these great moral lessons better than any other manmade book.

Should not the Bible regain the place it once held as a schoolbook? Its morals are pure, its examples are captivating and noble… The reverence for the sacred book that is thus early impressed lasts long; and, probably, if not impressed in infancy, never takes firm hold of the mind… .

The evil that has resulted from the error of the schools in teaching natural philosophy as an accomplishment only has been that of generating in the pupils a species of atheism. Instead of looking through the works of the creation to the Creator himself, they stop short, and employ the knowledge they acquire to create doubts of His existence. ”

After pausing for a moment, he added, “Man [has] become…what the theory of atheism declares him to be-a companion for brutes.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

For a timeline of “religion” in American public schools, see here.

1

Benjamin Franklin Arrested for Intolerance; Washington Criticizes Healthcare Mandate

San-Antonio-River-Walk-Disassociated-DepressedSAN ANTONIO TX (DDP) – George Washington and the rest of the Founding Fathers, who recently traveled through time after a fifth grader accidentally circumvented nature, held a brief press conference today at the River Walk in San Antonio.

The Founders, who are on the first leg of a tour during which they will observe our generation, spoke before a rapidly growing number of followers, many of whom sported powdered wigs and other Colonial-era clothing and accessories in tribute.

Franklin, whose fondness for science is almost legendary, opened the press conference with a brief note of thanks for the outpouring of support he received when he was recently jailed for violating the new Infinity Law. He then complimented the city of San Antonio for the River Walk and “a most excellent and wondrous interpretation of scientific principle and technology that did lead to preservation of such a fine and beauteous natural retreat beneath its streets.”

He then punched a hole through the Hilton’s glass doors.

As bystanders scrambled to avoid airborne glass shards, Franklin began shouting angrily about the city’s rigid policies that favor LGBT’s and ban anyone who fails to openly support LGBT rights from conducting business within the city. Franklin appeared especially angry regarding the Class C misdemeanor charges levied against offenders.

He said, “”Without morals a republic cannot subsist any length of time; they therefore who are decrying the Christian religion, whose morality is so sublime and pure (and) which insures to the good eternal happiness, are undermining the solid foundation of morals, the best security for the duration of free governments. 

It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded, not by religionists, but by Christians; not on religions, but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. For this very reason peoples of other faiths have been afforded asylum, prosperity, and freedom of worship here.

I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just, that His justice cannot sleep forever.”

After bemoaning the fact that the First Amendment violation had occurred in one of the most conservative American states left, he said that such an atrocity was nearly unimaginable in the city that protects the Alamo, a symbol of freedom revered around the globe.

He then pulled a metal handrail out of the concrete, mangling it nearly beyond recognition with his bare hands.

After Franklin was escorted away in handcuffs, former first President George Washington stepped forward amid cries of Ninja! Ninja! and fielded questions from the remaining bystanders.

When asked what he thought about the new healthcare law, shopping for which just recently opened on the shopping comparison website healthcare.gov, Washington replied, “Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state an intolerable one.

We find the greedy hand of government thrusting itself into every corner and crevice of industry, and grasping the spoil of the multitude. Invention is continually exercised, to furnish new pretenses for revenues and taxation. It watches prosperity as its prey and permits none to escape without tribute.”

When one bystander pointed out that America was merely following the examples set by Canada and other socialist nations that take care of their citizens, Washington replied, “Hold on to the Constitution, for if the American Constitution should fail, there will be anarchy throughout the world.”

He added, “Every step we take towards making the State our Caretaker of our lives, by that much we move toward making the State our Master.

Then he quietly walked away.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

2

Founding Fathers Launch Discovery Tour

Mount-Rushmore-The-Disassociated-DepressedBOSTON (DDP) –  Former first President George Washington, along with the other Founding Fathers who recently returned to this generation, announced today they launching a “Discovery Tour” to assess the current state of the union.

Washington and the other Founders, who arrived here shortly after a fifth-grader accidentally circumvented nature and invented time travel, held a brief press conference this morning outside the Boston homeless shelter where they have been staying and addressed their growing crowd of supporters.

As Washington took the stage along with Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson, supporters – many of whom were wearing buckled shoes, powdered wigs and other garments believed to be Colonial-era clothing – shouted “Ninja! Ninja!” in reference to the first President’s recent single-handed thrashing of several armed opponents.

After waiting several moments for the cheers of the jubilant crowd to subside, Washington said, “Having finished the work assigned me, I retired from the great theatre of Action; and did so bid an Affectionate farewell to the August body under whose orders I had so long acted.

“With delight, my friends and I journeyed forth to visit this nation we did bequeath posterity. The citizens of the United States of America have the right to applaud themselves for having given to mankind examples of an enlarged and liberal policy worthy of imitation. All possess alike liberty of conscience and immunities of citizenship. 

“Yet we sadly find no mound of parchment can be so formed as to stand against the sweeping torrent of boundless ambition on the one side, aided by the sapping current of corrupted morals on the other.

“Such cannot guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism. The basis of our political systems is the right of the people to make and to alter their Constitutions of Government. But the Constitution which at any time exists, ’till changed by an explicit and authentic act of the whole People is sacredly obligatory upon all.

The foundations of our national policy were laid in the pure and immutable principles of private morality. With regret, my friends and I find such principles ignored, forgotten, or held in repulsion by the many. The few who revere such standards would call we patriots’ back, if possible, to remind you.

And so I do find myself once more, summoned by my country, whose voice I can never hear but with veneration and love.

“We go now in hopes of regarding by our own eyes the state of our union and to discover the places where such moral foundations are most rotten.”

Although Washington’s speech was followed immediately by tumultuous cheering, the crowd quickly dispersed after a rumor spread that an anonymous source had reported the event to the police as a non-peaceful assembly.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Benjamin Franklin Released from Boston Jail; Hillary Clinton’s Missing Clone Slips Away from Authorities

Thomas-Jefferson-the-Disassociated-DepressedBOSTON (DDP) – Benjamin Franklin, who recently traveled through time when a fifth-grader accidentally circumvented nature, was released today from the Boston jail where he was being held for violating the Infinite Law.

Franklin breached the new Infinite legislation, which strictly prohibits Americans from visiting the signings of the Constitution and Declaration of Independence, just seconds after it was passed by Congress, when he returned to his own era and fetched back former first President George Washington, along with several other of the Founding Fathers.

Washington and the other Founding Fathers were waiting outside the jail for Franklin, surrounded by a rapidly growing crowd of onlookers, many of whom were wearing powdered wigs, buckled shoes, and other Colonial-era attire. After shaking the hands of both Washington as well as a Founding Father who resembled the face on a nickel, Franklin was overheard asking the other statesmen if they had adequate opportunity to “evaluate this unhappy and, perchance, most lost generation.”

To which Washington replied, “Bad men cannot make good citizens. A vitiated state of morals, a corrupted public conscience are incompatible with freedom.

Before the gentlemen could enter waiting cabs and return to the homeless shelter where they have established temporary residence, wild applause broke out among the onlookers and several began shouting, “Ninja, Ninja,” in reference to Washington’s recent victory against a group of knife-wielding attackers.

Although Washington held up his hands as if to quiet the crowd, a female dressed in moccasins and a deerskin vest leapt onto the hood of a parked car and held up a sign that read #TOPs #theoriginalpatriots return now is the time to begin the world over again, which seemed to further ignite the crowd.

As many of the onlookers held up lighters, those nearest the statesmen pressed toward the men with outstretched arms, pushing them backward until they were almost crushed against the front of the jail. As the police began trying to disperse the crowd, one of the officers suddenly sprinted toward the woman in Native American garb, who tossed her sign into the air and disappeared in the crowd.

In a brief press conference after the incident, a police spokesperson confirmed that the woman did resemble Hillary Clinton, but added that she was probably Alpha Herra, the missing clone from the Future Americans Replenishment Mandate (FARM) project.

When asked by reporters why the police believed the woman was not Mrs. Clinton herself, the spokesperson replied that her sign seemed to indicate that she was favorable toward the original patriots, and that she hoped their return might be the catalyst for some type of change.

He then added, “Besides, it seems unlikely any current U.S. politicians would support the return of the American Founding Fathers. Very, very unlikely.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

4

George Washington’s Ninja Fight Goes Viral on YouTube

George-Washington-Wins-Ninja-Fight-Disassociated-DepressedBOSTON (DDP) – Former First President of the United States, George Washington, single-handedly disarmed a group of knife-wielding robbers yesterday, just blocks from Nashua Street Jail where Benjamin Franklin is being held.

According to police, the incident began when Washington, along with several other Founding Fathers, left the homeless shelter where they have taken up temporary residence to visit Franklin, who is being held for violating the Infinite Law. The patriots recently arrived in our generation when a fifth-grader accidentally circumvented infinity and invented time travel.

Several other homeless persons who were nearby at the time told reporters that a group of nine hooded individuals emerged from the shadows and encircled the Founders as they left the shelter. The largest of the attackers then pulled Washington away from the other men and placed a knife to his throat.

Witnesses say that the man said, “Just do what you’re–“ but was prevented from speaking further when Washington spun in place and headbutted the attacker, knocking him unconscious.

The former President then spun to his right in a roundhouse kick that knocked out two more of the assailants. Before the half dozen remaining could react, he reportedly spun to his left in a second roundhouse kick, disabling two more.

The four remaining attackers then rushed the elder statesmen as the other Founding Fathers watched quietly from behind. When one of the witnesses moved forward to assist Washington, a man described as matching the picture of “the dude on a nickel” grabbed the would-be assistant and told him, “Kind friend, distress not yourself. Such inexperienced rabble stands no match against yon Washington’s skills.”

As the four neared the patriot, he flipped toward them, over their heads, and then twisted before landing upon his feet to face them. One attacker apparently recovered from the surprise move more quickly than the others and tried to lunge toward the first President; however, before the assailant had a chance to completely extend his knife hand, Washington caught the man’s forearm, twisted, dropped to one knee and flipped the knifeman over a shoulder. The former First President then karate-chopped his assailant in the neck.

The three remaining assailants took the opportunity to attack en masse. Washington jumped to his feet and backed quickly into a corner. Witnesses say that the attackers must have believed they had effectively captured him, because they began taunting the statesman as they closed in; however, before they could react, Washington braced his hands and feet against the corner’s two walls and scrambled up and out of their reach in seconds. He then jumped over them, twisted again, and knocked the last three senseless with a third kick.

Several of the onlookers, who had begun cheering and chanting, “Ninja! Ninja!” during the altercation, had recorded the incident with their smartphones. Youtube videos went viral long before police arrived three-minutes later.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

4

Founding Fathers Return; Benjamin Franklin Arrested Almost Instantly

BOSTON MA (DDP) – Benjamin Franklin was arrested earlier today shortly after he and the rest of the Founding Fathers materialized out of thin air, surprising a group of soccer moms in the play area of a Chik-fil-A.

Franklin, who originally traveled through time when a fifth grader accidentally invented time travel, returned to his own era yesterday to “fetch George Washington” and other fellow members from the Revolutionary Era.

In describing the men’s unanticipated arrival, several of the soccer moms said that a pinpoint of light appeared and then suddenly exploded, seemingly “depositing” the men in its stead. When the women realized the blast was from the past, they each scrambled to be the first to tweet the event, while the patriots stood in shocked silence.

Franklin was the first to break the men’s silence. One woman, who had left her cell phone at home to charge it and was able to fully pay attention to his words, reported that he said, “What the–“ before punching through a wall and apologizing to the other men for the “accidental stop at Woodstock.”

Picketers outside the restaurant saw the men through the glass windows and rushed inside, believing a conservative group had staged some type of publicity stunt inside the controversial restaurant in support of colonial-era marriage traditions. Once inside, a shouting match quickly ensued, during which one soccer mom dropped her smartphone trying to video the event for youtube; however, once the picketers realized that Franklin was shouting, “–limited government, mine kind friends, but they thus falsely did interpret such to so mean an increase into–“ they quieted quickly.

During the melee, a Massachusetts Congressional Representative stopped in for an original Chik-fil-A. sandwich and crinkly fries. When the situation was explained to him, he quickly phoned police, who arrived minutes later and arrested Franklin for several violations of the recently enacted “Fees, Taxes, Regulations and Requirements for Infinity-Based Time Travel” legislation.

Time-Travel-Disassociated-Depressed-by-Amber-FergusonIn a brief press conference shortly after the arrest, a spokesperson for the Representative told incredulous onlookers that Franklin had violated the mandate against both bringing back another party from another time period, as well as against visiting the colonial era.

He said, “While we wish we could welcome the original founding fathers into our generation, the possibility exists that they might attempt to interfere or influence this generation, which could lead to devastating results.

“Franklin broke the Infinite Mandate within 24 hours after it was passed, and he told police when he was arrested that he’d brought the other men back to ‘help him set our generation straight.’”

After the spokesperson rubbed his temples a moment, he continued, “We certainly can’t allow their antiquated notions about their Constitution to cloud our modern day progress. Arresting Franklin right off the bat will, hopefully, scare the other Founding Fathers enough so that they’ll go back to where they belong and not dog us anymore.”

Editor’s note: The Depressed is watching the events and will issue updates as they unfold.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

3

Congress Taxes Infinity; Benjamin Franklin to Fetch George Washington

BOSTON MA (DDP) – Because a fifth-grader accidentally brought back Founding Father Benjamin FranklinTime-is-Money-the-Disassociated-Depressed when the boy invented time travel by falling head first into infinity, Congress announced today it will tax infinity.

The legislation, known as the “Fees, Taxes, Regulations and Requirements for Infinity-Based Time Travel” was introduced in a brief press conference shortly after noon EST. Approximately 11,000 pages long, the document details to which time periods Americans are or are not allowed to visit, as well as attempts to manage imports and exports between the eras.

It also mandates the taxes that Americans must pay per each trip, as well as the fees due if the restrictions are violated.

The regulations include, but are not limited to, the following:

  • No one may visit Florida on Election Day, 2000; $50,000 fine for first time violators; life in prison for the second violation
  • No one may return from the ‘70s with a unisex haircut; $25,000 fine, each occurrence
  • Only deaf and blind Americans may visit the dates the Declaration of Independence or the Constitution were signed; $125,000 fine, each occurrence
  • No one may visit any century in the BC years or the first 200 years of the AC era; life in prison for any violation, and the violator must have their tongues and their hands cut off
  • No member of the media may leave the present at any time
  • No one may visit the moment the universe created itself; violators will be beaten, then burned with hot tongs, then buried in a fire ant hill, then shocked 1,000 times by a taser gun, then stoned to death
  • No one may bring back any tobacco products before they became taboo; $10,000 fine, each occurrence
  • No one may export alcohol to the prohibition era; $10,000 fine, each occurrence
  • No one may bring anyone else back with them; violators will be shot
  • No one may visit Las Vegas at any previous time period; $100,000 fine, each occurrence
  • No one may visit the end of time; violators’ families will be beaten, then burned with hot tongs, then buried in a fire ant hill, then shocked 1,000 times by a taser gun, then stoned to death. The violator will then suffer the same fate, except they will be kicked out of an airplane without a parachute instead of being stoned to death

Congress also instituted a $1,000 per trip surcharge, subject to applicable state and local sales taxes. All travelers must have a valid passport, the fee for which was increased to $500.

Only government issued mirrors may be used to activate an episode of infinity. Available for purchase next week for $750 each at all local IRS offices, they are also subject to applicable state and local sales taxes.

Time travelers must submit an itinerary six months in advance.

Shortly after the regulations were introduced, the Depressed caught up to Benjamin Franklin to ask him what he thought about the legislation.

In our exclusive telephone interview with the Founding Father, Franklin said he has been quietly studying our generation during his visit here, and was about to return to his generation to fetch George Washington and several other members of the original patriot act.

When pressed for an explanation, Franklin sighed and said, “Time is money.”

He then added, “These are the times that try men’s souls.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.