Benjamin Franklin Embarks on Fact Finding Tour; Barely Escapes Mauling at Hands of Angry Yodelers

WASHINGTON DC. (DDP) – Benjamin Franklin, who recently traveled through time and has risen to an overnight celebrity status since his return, recently embarked on an international fact-finding tour.

In a brief press release, Franklin’s publicist said that the elder statesman was specifically interested in how science and technology, which was just beginning to emerge in the Revolutionary days, has benefited mankind over the centuries

Hadron-Collider-on-the-Disassociated-DepressedHis first stop was a visit to The Hadron Collider. The physicists initially welcomed Franklin’s visit; in fact, the scientists served the Founding Father tea and crumpets, and arranged a local group of professional entertainers to yodel at them as they chatted. The Depressed, as well as several other major news outlets, was invited to chronicle the event.

Franklin’s trouble began when one of the physicists explained that the collider was a multinationally funded attempt to recreate “The God Particle,” which was the reason the universe accidentally exploded into life millions of years ago. Franklin was unimpressed.

He said, “My kind sir, I do not comprehend the ‘black hole’ theory as of yet, but if you did thus recreate what has deemed the ‘Big Bang,’ would it not destroy this universe and thus create a new one?”

To which the scientist replied, seconds before he fainted, “Oh, crap.”

As the other physicists tried to revive their fallen colleague, Franklin questioned them about the possibility that our universe was merely one of many thousands that might have existed over time; each universe destroyed by the next, whenever humans had reached the necessary level of intelligence to create another Big Bang.

It was at that point that three other physicists had heart attacks. Franklin, who appeared startled, said, “Forsooth! I did not intend to frighten these fine scientists with logic; my goal had only been to point out the misuse of the technology that humanity has been able to discover thus far.”

The stricken scientists were rushed to a nearby medical facility, where it is reported that all have fully recovered; however, before the news reached the remaining physicists – who were almost all visibly panicking – the elder statesman said, “I’ve lived, sirs, a long time, and the longer I live, the more convincing proofs I see of this truth: That God governs in the affairs of men. If a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without His notice, is it probable that a universe can be created without His aid?”

It was at that point that the yodelers stopped singing and began muttering ominously.

Franklin took several steps back, but then said, “Fear not! You shall not thus succeed in creating a new universe better than the builders of Babel created a pathway to the heavens.”

The yodelers then charged Franklin; although the Depressed was unable to follow the elder statesman as the angry yodelers chased him with tar and feathers, he was eventually rescued by an American veteran.

The retired army sergeant released a brief press announcement shortly after returning to the United States with Franklin, which read, in part:

“Ben was pretty shaken up at first, of course, but he got a control of himself pretty fast. He’s rather a formidable dude, actually.

“But I guess those original Americans had to be made of some pretty tough stuff.”

Franklin, who told the Depressed in an exclusive telephone interview that he has no plans to cancel his fact-finding tour yet, says he next plans to visit New York City.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.