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Noah Webster Flunks the SAT

Noah-Webster-Flunks-SAT-Amber-FergusonLIVINGSTON, TX (DDP) – First President George Washington and the rest of the Founding Fathers, who recently traveled through time when a fifth grader accidentally circumvented nature, met this weekend with the high school principal that is currently on death row in Texas for treating high school children like adults.

The Founders are on a tour to observe our generation and are frequently accompanied by a growing entourage of adoring groupies wearing buckled shoes and other Colonial-era clothing and accessories. The Depressed, along with most other major media outlets, have been chronicling their journey.

Although the statesmen were delayed in Texas, their first destination, when Benjamin Franklin was jailed for denouncing San Antonio’s new anti-discrimination ordinance, when the imprisoned principal finally met with the Founders, he explained that his crime against the state originally began because he thought high school students “rebelled” from due to their dislike of being treated the same as kindergartners.

As the statesmen peppered the prisoner with questions, the educator explained that, besides his crime of treating his students like young adults, he’d also tried to teach the students how to balance a checkbook, how to vote responsibly instead of selfishly, and how to properly prepare a resumé.

When Franklin asked what the students were learning instead of such common sense, the principal explained it was the Common Core. He then briefly outlined the SAT. That was when Franklin, who is gaining a reputation for being the most angry member of the angry group of returning Founding Fathers, launched into such a tirade of expletives that we had to delete his entire speech. Death row guards then ejected him from the premises.

Franklin immediately traveled back through time and returned with Noah Webster, dubbed “Father of American Scholarship and Education” by succeeding generations After the original educator met with the doomed high school principal, he announced that he was going to take the SAT to judge for himself what knowledge this generation of American high school graduates is expected to master.

Although the SAT organization does not release test results to the general public, when Webster received his failing scores soon thereafter, he had this to say to the Depressed in an exclusive telephone interview.

After strongly criticizing the SAT in general, he said, “The only foundation for a useful education in a republic is to be aid in religion. Without this there can be no virtue, and without virtue there can be no liberty, and liberty is the object and life of all republican governments. Without religion, I believe that learning does real mischief to the morals and principles of mankind.”

The Depressed has since learned that Webster failed to correctly answer a single algebraic question, although we are happy to report that he was kind enough to prepare a budget for our news organization shortly afterward. The Depressed is now able to meet its obligations for the first time in our history.

Webster also failed the grammatical section of the achievement test, due to the fact that, in colonial America, the statesmen often capitalized nouns for no discernable explanation, used commas seemingly at random, and did not believe that clauses beginning with which require a comma at the beginning of the phrase; in fact, although our Founding Fathers’ actual quotes frequently send the Depressed editors into near hysterics, nevertheless, we will continue to report the statesmen’s words verbatim.

Most surprising was the textbook pioneer’s failing score for the reading portion of the test. When asked to comment on the issue, he said, “SAT is thus an exam that does stand on its head! I did carefully peruse each essay, and was left with no doubt I could thereby answer any queries regarding each piece with intelligence.

“Yet, the very questions themselves failed to inquire if I understood that which I had read. Rather, they were but to test if I did understand the author’s intent.

“Kind friend, graduates of this very generation are educated not to think for themselves, only thus to remember what they are told!”

Although the Depressed failed to understand Webster’s explanation, we then asked him if there was anything the current public education system needed to change.

He said, “We have a dangerous trend beginning to take place in our education. We’re starting to put more and more textbooks into our schools… We’ve become accustomed of late of putting little books into the hands of children containing fables and moral lessons… We are spending less time in the classroom on the Bible, which should be the principle text in our schools… The Bible states these great moral lessons better than any other manmade book.

Should not the Bible regain the place it once held as a schoolbook? Its morals are pure, its examples are captivating and noble… The reverence for the sacred book that is thus early impressed lasts long; and, probably, if not impressed in infancy, never takes firm hold of the mind… .

The evil that has resulted from the error of the schools in teaching natural philosophy as an accomplishment only has been that of generating in the pupils a species of atheism. Instead of looking through the works of the creation to the Creator himself, they stop short, and employ the knowledge they acquire to create doubts of His existence. ”

After pausing for a moment, he added, “Man [has] become…what the theory of atheism declares him to be-a companion for brutes.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

For a timeline of “religion” in American public schools, see here.

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Benjamin Franklin Arrested for Intolerance; Washington Criticizes Healthcare Mandate

San-Antonio-River-Walk-Disassociated-DepressedSAN ANTONIO TX (DDP) – George Washington and the rest of the Founding Fathers, who recently traveled through time after a fifth grader accidentally circumvented nature, held a brief press conference today at the River Walk in San Antonio.

The Founders, who are on the first leg of a tour during which they will observe our generation, spoke before a rapidly growing number of followers, many of whom sported powdered wigs and other Colonial-era clothing and accessories in tribute.

Franklin, whose fondness for science is almost legendary, opened the press conference with a brief note of thanks for the outpouring of support he received when he was recently jailed for violating the new Infinity Law. He then complimented the city of San Antonio for the River Walk and “a most excellent and wondrous interpretation of scientific principle and technology that did lead to preservation of such a fine and beauteous natural retreat beneath its streets.”

He then punched a hole through the Hilton’s glass doors.

As bystanders scrambled to avoid airborne glass shards, Franklin began shouting angrily about the city’s rigid policies that favor LGBT’s and ban anyone who fails to openly support LGBT rights from conducting business within the city. Franklin appeared especially angry regarding the Class C misdemeanor charges levied against offenders.

He said, “”Without morals a republic cannot subsist any length of time; they therefore who are decrying the Christian religion, whose morality is so sublime and pure (and) which insures to the good eternal happiness, are undermining the solid foundation of morals, the best security for the duration of free governments. 

It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded, not by religionists, but by Christians; not on religions, but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. For this very reason peoples of other faiths have been afforded asylum, prosperity, and freedom of worship here.

I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just, that His justice cannot sleep forever.”

After bemoaning the fact that the First Amendment violation had occurred in one of the most conservative American states left, he said that such an atrocity was nearly unimaginable in the city that protects the Alamo, a symbol of freedom revered around the globe.

He then pulled a metal handrail out of the concrete, mangling it nearly beyond recognition with his bare hands.

After Franklin was escorted away in handcuffs, former first President George Washington stepped forward amid cries of Ninja! Ninja! and fielded questions from the remaining bystanders.

When asked what he thought about the new healthcare law, shopping for which just recently opened on the shopping comparison website healthcare.gov, Washington replied, “Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state an intolerable one.

We find the greedy hand of government thrusting itself into every corner and crevice of industry, and grasping the spoil of the multitude. Invention is continually exercised, to furnish new pretenses for revenues and taxation. It watches prosperity as its prey and permits none to escape without tribute.”

When one bystander pointed out that America was merely following the examples set by Canada and other socialist nations that take care of their citizens, Washington replied, “Hold on to the Constitution, for if the American Constitution should fail, there will be anarchy throughout the world.”

He added, “Every step we take towards making the State our Caretaker of our lives, by that much we move toward making the State our Master.

Then he quietly walked away.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Electronic Arts Announces Latest SIMS Game Will Feature American Elected Representatives

Fired-the-Shot-Heard-Round-the-World-Amber-FergusonWASHINGTON, D.C. (DDP) – Popular Video Game Publisher Electronic Arts (EA) has announced a new edition of its popular Sims franchise, this one featuring American Congressional representatives. It’s title, “The SIMS US Version: Taxation With Representation?,” has already been criticized by some members of Congress.

The Sims is part of the “god game” genre in the video gaming industry. Players design and control virtually every aspect of the playable characters’ worlds, from their clothing, to their housing, to their actual personalities and behavior.

The fictional characters react with each other and their environments naturally, subject to the player’s desired level of interference. For example, within the game’s fictional Washington, the characters can schedule Caribbean vacations, spa treatments, private catered parties, or even terminate an employee in order to hire a more attractive one, just as in “real” life.

In this latest version of the game, a player is given the choice to allow the Congressional characters to vote as they would in the actual world, or to intervene in the fictional world and cause Congress to vote in ways the player best sees fit.

Although EA has announced it will not release the game until November, preorder estimates now exceed a hundred million. An anonymous spokesperson for Electronic Arts told the Depressed in an exclusive telephone interview that people who wanted to go back in time and replay the Obamacare vote had placed approximately 85 percent of the preorders.

The game comes with a new “voice recognition” feature, which players may upload onto their existing gaming devices. Once the upgrade is installed, players may pontificate for as long as they desire. Online play includes the option to filibuster.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, an anonymous spokesperson for EA admitted that the game’s lead developers had originally intended to include a brief tutorial to introduce the original Constitution; however, after beta testers indicated that the American public wasn’t really interested, the developers omitted all references to historical facts.

He said, “The original Founding Fathers had some kind of weird mistrust of government. When you really get into the Bill of Rights, it’s almost like it was written to protect the people from federal control.

“Meanwhile, although gamers tend to be geeky but intelligent public school kids, our beta testers complained that they were having particular trouble understanding Amendment IV. By the time the tutorial got to Amendment X, several of the students complained it was so incomprehensible that they quit in frustration.

“And they kept asking us why the amendment that protects the government from religion was.”

The Depressed has since learned that a planned IRS audit of EA has been cancelled.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Mental Health Specialists to Help High School Students Stop Thinking They’re Adults

ABILENE, TX (DDP) – Abilene High School students who continue to believe that they are actually adults will soon be rescued by mental health specialists from the Adult Behavior Unauthorized in School Environment (ABUSE) in the hope that their attitude doesn’t trend nationwide.

The students, who were originally misled by former principal Pat Henry, have continued to hold gainful employment, volunteer in their community, and cheerfully accept a variety of responsibilities even after Henry was given the death sentence for committing crimes against the state.

In a brief press conference outside the Abilene High School detention center, an ABUSE spokesperson said, “We thought that the summer hiatus would cure the children of the brainwashing they received under Mr. Henry’s tenure. It was believed that they would use the free time to sneak alcohol into pool parties, sext each other, make Jackass videos, and engage in otherwise normal teenage behavior.

Teenagers-Behaving-Like-Adults“Unfortunately, the majority of the teens have spent their summer engaged in activities that are completely abnormal. Craigslist ads for high school Young Republican and Democrat Clubs are rampant; in fact, we’ve even seen a couple of Libertarian and Independent groups. Shocking!

“Meanwhile, students are spending their Saturday nights engaged in healthy activities such as playing tennis, finding homes for shelter dogs, and/or playing backgammon. The Abilene Police Department reports that it may have to lay off as many as a third of its officers because there are simply not enough 18-year-olds trying to buy a beer. What’s the point in our having laws when no one tries to break them?

He concluded, “This is why ABUSE is going to be there in the high school when students return this fall. These kids have to be reacquainted with their role in society.”

In an exclusive telephone interview later that afternoon, the Depressed asked the spokesperson what procedures ABUSE planned to institute to help the students.

He replied, “It’s critical that these kids realize they’re not adults yet, even if they can legally get married or die for their country in a year or so. Since most of the high schoolers are used to going to the bathroom whenever they want, we’ll crack down on that first. That’s kind of a given because it’s so psychologically effective.

“Then we’ll make sure each and every class assigns seating. We’ll also stop the practice of allowing students of differing ages to mingle. It’s important that the kids experience forced friendships based on demographics only. That’s a very powerful technique for making them feel rebellious.”

When the Depressed asked if that was the entire plan, the spokesperson explained that teenagers are so often adept at critical thinking skills that he didn’t want to divulge anything they could competently strategize against.

He then added, “I will tell you, however, that ABUSE’s number one weapon is simply to call them teenagers. Back in my granddad’s day, they didn’t have that word and high school aged students just instinctively understood that they, by default, weren’t children anymore. That’s totally unacceptable.

“I can’t emphasize the importance to this nation that they remain complaint enough in those first few years after childhood for us to reach them, because those are the years the government-funded school system can most easily influence them.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Lakewood Church Exposes HOOEE

Endless sandHouston TX (DDP) – Lakewood Church, the mega church being sued by HOOEE, the Historical Observation Organization Effectively Educating, recently discovered that the historical institution had attempted to alter a Christian-related document.

HOOEE filed the civil suit because Lakewood contradicts the HOOEE assertion that aliens fed the Israelites as they wandered in the desert for 40 years, rather than “God.” The organization said that it didn’t want to have the same long-term trouble with the Christians that the evolutionists have had.

In a brief press release this morning, pastor Joel Osteen said, “Thanks to one of our wonderful assistants, we discovered seconds before an email was sent to our list subscribers that a sentence regarding the perseverance of David, Elijah and Joseph that should have read ‘They didn’t give up, and God gave them victory!’ had been changed to ‘They didn’t give up, and extraterrestrial gave them the victory! And food!’”

The press release went on to list additional sentences in which Osteen’s words about God had been changed to better support HOOEE historical evidence.

It concluded, “Even if we are surrounded by 400 falsehoods, the power of God will still be revealed for everyone to see.”

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, the lead HOOEE historian said, “We’re certainly not finished trying to debunk the ‘God’ myth; however, we admit it was a bit early to attempt such a substantial subversion.

“We’ve got to get under their skin a bit first, so we’re going to go after the church teenagers. Just like adults, there certainly are a lot of them who claim to be Christians, but we have it on good evidence that few of them personally know what the Bible says. It’s unfortunate, however, that those who have read It are kind of nutty about It.

“Anyway, once the Christian kids believe it, we’ll have the next generation for sure. That’s what’s so cool about the public school system.”

When the Depressed asked what he meant, the spokesperson pointed out how the grandparents of the current generation of school children didn’t even have an Earth Day, but that their kids learned to revere it in public school, and then taught their own children.

He added, “That’s why we call it progress.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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High School Principal Receives Death Sentence for Treating High School Students Like Adults

ABILENE, TX (DDP) – Pat Henry, the Texas principal convicted last Friday of Crimes Against the State, Subversive Intent and multiple counts of Brainwashing a Minor, was sentenced to death yesterday.

The controversial educator was transferred to Abilene High School in Abilene, Texas after the school received an “Academically Unacceptable” rating in 2010 from the state’s board of education, the Texas Education Agency (TEA). In just one year under Henry’s tenure, the institution so dramatically turned around that it received a rating of  “Exemplary,” the highest rating given by the TEA.

Smoking Inmate (Amber Ferguson)After it was discovered that the dropout rate had decreased to absolute zero under Henry’s tenure, an anonymous source working in the Abilene school district notified the TEA that the students had actually enjoyed attending school the past year. When the TEA began investigating the shocking allegation, a second informer told the TEA that at least 25 seniors had actually cried on their last day of public school.

When the TEA discovered that two of the seniors had tried to break into the school’s computer database to modify their school records so that it would appear they had flunked their last year, Henry was immediately arrested and brought before a disciplinary panel for interrogation.

Henry initially tried to avoid answering any questions regarding why the students enjoyed attending school, but under intense questioning, he admitted to the panel of inquisitors that he had treated the students like adults, causing the TEA to promptly file charges.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, Henry said, “I’m an adult myself, and so are my friends. If anyone tried to tell us when we could go to the john, we’d probably feel a bit rebellious too.

“I figured if I stopped trying to control my students like we have to contain kindergartners, they’d stop behaving like rebellious children. If the tables were turned, wouldn’t you?”

After a brief pause during which it seemed that Henry was trying to regain his composure, he added, “I-I thought my idea was working. No one dropped out. Over 80 percent of all the students made the honor roll. I wasn’t worried until the seniors all voluntarily went out and got jobs.

“But, it wasn’t until they built a well for an Ethiopian village that I had to admit I’d started a snowball, and it was gathering speed something awful. Most adults won’t do something like that! How was I supposed to know that if you respectfully challenge teenagers, they’re so energetic they just might surprise you?”

The Depressed learned that, in early autumn last year (some nine months before the seniors’ shockingly selfless endeavor), Henry had called a school assembly and informed the students that they were actually adults already.

The most serious of the charges, multiple counts of Brainwashing a Minor, were imposed because the principal tried to reclassify attending classes as “work.” As the school year progressed, Henry reclassified the classrooms as “work spaces,” the school curricula as “projects” and report cards as “student evaluations.

By March, the students no longer were under a mandatory dress code, but had begun to dress in what Henry had by then classified as “business casual.” Two of the jurors admitted, however, that it was because Henry had installed water coolers where he allowed the students to chat quietly that they’d given him the death sentence.

The Depressed recently uncovered evidence that, after the seniors’ Ethiopian caper, Henry had tried to slow their efforts by imposing so much homework that the students would have to quit their jobs. Unfortunately for Henry, the seniors responded by rising to the challenge of the new responsibility (at least 63 percent actually received raises from their employers during that time), causing the junior class to request additional responsibilities as well.

Henry had then issued a mandatory naptime after lunch for the students; however, most of the hard-working students welcomed the nap.

In his growing desperation to make gainful employment unattractive to the seniors, the principal then approached the Abilene city council with the proposition that a mandatory curfew be imposed on anyone under 18, the violation of which would incur a $5,000 fine. Henry’s bad luck continued when two of the council members announced that their geriatric mothers were better off now that several of the seniors were working as personal caregivers at the local Alzheimer’s facility where the women lived.

Henry is being held at the Polunsky Unit outside of Livingston, Texas, where he has already appealed his sentence in a case that is expected to reach the Supreme Court. Lobbyists for the state are reportedly already on their way from Germany, and are preparing to testify before the Court that students from kindergarten through high school must be uniformly controlled by the state in order to become good citizens.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.