In a typically partisan press conference late yesterday, Democrat President Barack Obama, along with other prominent Party members, called upon the Senate to follow in the footsteps of the House and vote in favor of the cancellation.
“Hurricanes distract people enough,” President Obama said. “But when you combine those coming this summer with blizzards or wildfires or droughts, the media just can’t seem to stay focused on my plan to turn American into a socialist nation. You know, so we can be just like Great Britain, who we once rebelled against.”
California Representative Diane Feinstein agreed. “It’s a shocking situation. Just last month, only two AP reporters showed up when California tried to prosecute a homeschooling mother. And, so help me, they were interns. All because of a few little snowstorms, and some other small unusual weather events.”
Obama concurred. “The American people do not want to be distracted from admiring one of the most important Presidents in our nation’s history by any additional weather.”
Democrat Minority Speaker Nancy Pelosi of California helped push the measure through the House last Friday, claiming, “If the majority of the House won’t do something to stop nature then we will.”
In a short speech after the vote, fellow party member Sheila Jackson-Lee of Texas agreed. “If the American people want to see ice, they can buy an icetray. If they want air, they can turn on a fan. If this Congress were more in tune with the American people they claim to lead, they would understand that.”
Fuel prices soured immediately after the resolution was passed.
Several Republicans jumped sides of the aisle and voted in favor of the measure after an amendment to cancel autumn itself was added.
The amendment is the most controversial aspect of the bill. A new poll published by the Wall Street Journal and Forbes reflects a significant number of Americans are unhappy with the cancellation of autumn. Sixty-eight percent of respondents believe the measure will carry over into winter, resulting in no Santa Claus this year.
President Obama held a held a five-star, lobster and champagne reception after the press conference where he told admiring reporters, “If this measure passes the Senate, I will sign it. The American people expect this government to control their seasonings. I mean seasons.”
Several partygoers reported that the President’s food taster was on site, and that the President dined alongside his guests.
Former Vice President and Presidential contender Al Gore is currently conducting research regarding the effects of the resolution on global warming. When the Depressed caught up to him outside the Capital, he said, “If we can get the European Union to come on board with us, we just might have something. As soon as we download the latest version of PowerPoint, I’ll get back to you.”
The Senate is expected to pass the resolution.
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This column was previously published in the Huntsville Item, The Daily Mooch, and New Christian Voices and the original Disassociated Depressed blogs. It has been updated for the current political climate. Copyright retained by the author.