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Noah Webster Flunks the SAT

Noah-Webster-Flunks-SAT-Amber-FergusonLIVINGSTON, TX (DDP) – First President George Washington and the rest of the Founding Fathers, who recently traveled through time when a fifth grader accidentally circumvented nature, met this weekend with the high school principal that is currently on death row in Texas for treating high school children like adults.

The Founders are on a tour to observe our generation and are frequently accompanied by a growing entourage of adoring groupies wearing buckled shoes and other Colonial-era clothing and accessories. The Depressed, along with most other major media outlets, have been chronicling their journey.

Although the statesmen were delayed in Texas, their first destination, when Benjamin Franklin was jailed for denouncing San Antonio’s new anti-discrimination ordinance, when the imprisoned principal finally met with the Founders, he explained that his crime against the state originally began because he thought high school students “rebelled” from due to their dislike of being treated the same as kindergartners.

As the statesmen peppered the prisoner with questions, the educator explained that, besides his crime of treating his students like young adults, he’d also tried to teach the students how to balance a checkbook, how to vote responsibly instead of selfishly, and how to properly prepare a resumé.

When Franklin asked what the students were learning instead of such common sense, the principal explained it was the Common Core. He then briefly outlined the SAT. That was when Franklin, who is gaining a reputation for being the most angry member of the angry group of returning Founding Fathers, launched into such a tirade of expletives that we had to delete his entire speech. Death row guards then ejected him from the premises.

Franklin immediately traveled back through time and returned with Noah Webster, dubbed “Father of American Scholarship and Education” by succeeding generations After the original educator met with the doomed high school principal, he announced that he was going to take the SAT to judge for himself what knowledge this generation of American high school graduates is expected to master.

Although the SAT organization does not release test results to the general public, when Webster received his failing scores soon thereafter, he had this to say to the Depressed in an exclusive telephone interview.

After strongly criticizing the SAT in general, he said, “The only foundation for a useful education in a republic is to be aid in religion. Without this there can be no virtue, and without virtue there can be no liberty, and liberty is the object and life of all republican governments. Without religion, I believe that learning does real mischief to the morals and principles of mankind.”

The Depressed has since learned that Webster failed to correctly answer a single algebraic question, although we are happy to report that he was kind enough to prepare a budget for our news organization shortly afterward. The Depressed is now able to meet its obligations for the first time in our history.

Webster also failed the grammatical section of the achievement test, due to the fact that, in colonial America, the statesmen often capitalized nouns for no discernable explanation, used commas seemingly at random, and did not believe that clauses beginning with which require a comma at the beginning of the phrase; in fact, although our Founding Fathers’ actual quotes frequently send the Depressed editors into near hysterics, nevertheless, we will continue to report the statesmen’s words verbatim.

Most surprising was the textbook pioneer’s failing score for the reading portion of the test. When asked to comment on the issue, he said, “SAT is thus an exam that does stand on its head! I did carefully peruse each essay, and was left with no doubt I could thereby answer any queries regarding each piece with intelligence.

“Yet, the very questions themselves failed to inquire if I understood that which I had read. Rather, they were but to test if I did understand the author’s intent.

“Kind friend, graduates of this very generation are educated not to think for themselves, only thus to remember what they are told!”

Although the Depressed failed to understand Webster’s explanation, we then asked him if there was anything the current public education system needed to change.

He said, “We have a dangerous trend beginning to take place in our education. We’re starting to put more and more textbooks into our schools… We’ve become accustomed of late of putting little books into the hands of children containing fables and moral lessons… We are spending less time in the classroom on the Bible, which should be the principle text in our schools… The Bible states these great moral lessons better than any other manmade book.

Should not the Bible regain the place it once held as a schoolbook? Its morals are pure, its examples are captivating and noble… The reverence for the sacred book that is thus early impressed lasts long; and, probably, if not impressed in infancy, never takes firm hold of the mind… .

The evil that has resulted from the error of the schools in teaching natural philosophy as an accomplishment only has been that of generating in the pupils a species of atheism. Instead of looking through the works of the creation to the Creator himself, they stop short, and employ the knowledge they acquire to create doubts of His existence. ”

After pausing for a moment, he added, “Man [has] become…what the theory of atheism declares him to be-a companion for brutes.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

For a timeline of “religion” in American public schools, see here.

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Mental Health Specialists to Help High School Students Stop Thinking They’re Adults

ABILENE, TX (DDP) – Abilene High School students who continue to believe that they are actually adults will soon be rescued by mental health specialists from the Adult Behavior Unauthorized in School Environment (ABUSE) in the hope that their attitude doesn’t trend nationwide.

The students, who were originally misled by former principal Pat Henry, have continued to hold gainful employment, volunteer in their community, and cheerfully accept a variety of responsibilities even after Henry was given the death sentence for committing crimes against the state.

In a brief press conference outside the Abilene High School detention center, an ABUSE spokesperson said, “We thought that the summer hiatus would cure the children of the brainwashing they received under Mr. Henry’s tenure. It was believed that they would use the free time to sneak alcohol into pool parties, sext each other, make Jackass videos, and engage in otherwise normal teenage behavior.

Teenagers-Behaving-Like-Adults“Unfortunately, the majority of the teens have spent their summer engaged in activities that are completely abnormal. Craigslist ads for high school Young Republican and Democrat Clubs are rampant; in fact, we’ve even seen a couple of Libertarian and Independent groups. Shocking!

“Meanwhile, students are spending their Saturday nights engaged in healthy activities such as playing tennis, finding homes for shelter dogs, and/or playing backgammon. The Abilene Police Department reports that it may have to lay off as many as a third of its officers because there are simply not enough 18-year-olds trying to buy a beer. What’s the point in our having laws when no one tries to break them?

He concluded, “This is why ABUSE is going to be there in the high school when students return this fall. These kids have to be reacquainted with their role in society.”

In an exclusive telephone interview later that afternoon, the Depressed asked the spokesperson what procedures ABUSE planned to institute to help the students.

He replied, “It’s critical that these kids realize they’re not adults yet, even if they can legally get married or die for their country in a year or so. Since most of the high schoolers are used to going to the bathroom whenever they want, we’ll crack down on that first. That’s kind of a given because it’s so psychologically effective.

“Then we’ll make sure each and every class assigns seating. We’ll also stop the practice of allowing students of differing ages to mingle. It’s important that the kids experience forced friendships based on demographics only. That’s a very powerful technique for making them feel rebellious.”

When the Depressed asked if that was the entire plan, the spokesperson explained that teenagers are so often adept at critical thinking skills that he didn’t want to divulge anything they could competently strategize against.

He then added, “I will tell you, however, that ABUSE’s number one weapon is simply to call them teenagers. Back in my granddad’s day, they didn’t have that word and high school aged students just instinctively understood that they, by default, weren’t children anymore. That’s totally unacceptable.

“I can’t emphasize the importance to this nation that they remain complaint enough in those first few years after childhood for us to reach them, because those are the years the government-funded school system can most easily influence them.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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High School Principal Receives Death Sentence for Treating High School Students Like Adults

ABILENE, TX (DDP) – Pat Henry, the Texas principal convicted last Friday of Crimes Against the State, Subversive Intent and multiple counts of Brainwashing a Minor, was sentenced to death yesterday.

The controversial educator was transferred to Abilene High School in Abilene, Texas after the school received an “Academically Unacceptable” rating in 2010 from the state’s board of education, the Texas Education Agency (TEA). In just one year under Henry’s tenure, the institution so dramatically turned around that it received a rating of  “Exemplary,” the highest rating given by the TEA.

Smoking Inmate (Amber Ferguson)After it was discovered that the dropout rate had decreased to absolute zero under Henry’s tenure, an anonymous source working in the Abilene school district notified the TEA that the students had actually enjoyed attending school the past year. When the TEA began investigating the shocking allegation, a second informer told the TEA that at least 25 seniors had actually cried on their last day of public school.

When the TEA discovered that two of the seniors had tried to break into the school’s computer database to modify their school records so that it would appear they had flunked their last year, Henry was immediately arrested and brought before a disciplinary panel for interrogation.

Henry initially tried to avoid answering any questions regarding why the students enjoyed attending school, but under intense questioning, he admitted to the panel of inquisitors that he had treated the students like adults, causing the TEA to promptly file charges.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, Henry said, “I’m an adult myself, and so are my friends. If anyone tried to tell us when we could go to the john, we’d probably feel a bit rebellious too.

“I figured if I stopped trying to control my students like we have to contain kindergartners, they’d stop behaving like rebellious children. If the tables were turned, wouldn’t you?”

After a brief pause during which it seemed that Henry was trying to regain his composure, he added, “I-I thought my idea was working. No one dropped out. Over 80 percent of all the students made the honor roll. I wasn’t worried until the seniors all voluntarily went out and got jobs.

“But, it wasn’t until they built a well for an Ethiopian village that I had to admit I’d started a snowball, and it was gathering speed something awful. Most adults won’t do something like that! How was I supposed to know that if you respectfully challenge teenagers, they’re so energetic they just might surprise you?”

The Depressed learned that, in early autumn last year (some nine months before the seniors’ shockingly selfless endeavor), Henry had called a school assembly and informed the students that they were actually adults already.

The most serious of the charges, multiple counts of Brainwashing a Minor, were imposed because the principal tried to reclassify attending classes as “work.” As the school year progressed, Henry reclassified the classrooms as “work spaces,” the school curricula as “projects” and report cards as “student evaluations.

By March, the students no longer were under a mandatory dress code, but had begun to dress in what Henry had by then classified as “business casual.” Two of the jurors admitted, however, that it was because Henry had installed water coolers where he allowed the students to chat quietly that they’d given him the death sentence.

The Depressed recently uncovered evidence that, after the seniors’ Ethiopian caper, Henry had tried to slow their efforts by imposing so much homework that the students would have to quit their jobs. Unfortunately for Henry, the seniors responded by rising to the challenge of the new responsibility (at least 63 percent actually received raises from their employers during that time), causing the junior class to request additional responsibilities as well.

Henry had then issued a mandatory naptime after lunch for the students; however, most of the hard-working students welcomed the nap.

In his growing desperation to make gainful employment unattractive to the seniors, the principal then approached the Abilene city council with the proposition that a mandatory curfew be imposed on anyone under 18, the violation of which would incur a $5,000 fine. Henry’s bad luck continued when two of the council members announced that their geriatric mothers were better off now that several of the seniors were working as personal caregivers at the local Alzheimer’s facility where the women lived.

Henry is being held at the Polunsky Unit outside of Livingston, Texas, where he has already appealed his sentence in a case that is expected to reach the Supreme Court. Lobbyists for the state are reportedly already on their way from Germany, and are preparing to testify before the Court that students from kindergarten through high school must be uniformly controlled by the state in order to become good citizens.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.