1

Benjamin Franklin Arrested for Intolerance; Washington Criticizes Healthcare Mandate

San-Antonio-River-Walk-Disassociated-DepressedSAN ANTONIO TX (DDP) – George Washington and the rest of the Founding Fathers, who recently traveled through time after a fifth grader accidentally circumvented nature, held a brief press conference today at the River Walk in San Antonio.

The Founders, who are on the first leg of a tour during which they will observe our generation, spoke before a rapidly growing number of followers, many of whom sported powdered wigs and other Colonial-era clothing and accessories in tribute.

Franklin, whose fondness for science is almost legendary, opened the press conference with a brief note of thanks for the outpouring of support he received when he was recently jailed for violating the new Infinity Law. He then complimented the city of San Antonio for the River Walk and “a most excellent and wondrous interpretation of scientific principle and technology that did lead to preservation of such a fine and beauteous natural retreat beneath its streets.”

He then punched a hole through the Hilton’s glass doors.

As bystanders scrambled to avoid airborne glass shards, Franklin began shouting angrily about the city’s rigid policies that favor LGBT’s and ban anyone who fails to openly support LGBT rights from conducting business within the city. Franklin appeared especially angry regarding the Class C misdemeanor charges levied against offenders.

He said, “”Without morals a republic cannot subsist any length of time; they therefore who are decrying the Christian religion, whose morality is so sublime and pure (and) which insures to the good eternal happiness, are undermining the solid foundation of morals, the best security for the duration of free governments. 

It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded, not by religionists, but by Christians; not on religions, but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. For this very reason peoples of other faiths have been afforded asylum, prosperity, and freedom of worship here.

I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just, that His justice cannot sleep forever.”

After bemoaning the fact that the First Amendment violation had occurred in one of the most conservative American states left, he said that such an atrocity was nearly unimaginable in the city that protects the Alamo, a symbol of freedom revered around the globe.

He then pulled a metal handrail out of the concrete, mangling it nearly beyond recognition with his bare hands.

After Franklin was escorted away in handcuffs, former first President George Washington stepped forward amid cries of Ninja! Ninja! and fielded questions from the remaining bystanders.

When asked what he thought about the new healthcare law, shopping for which just recently opened on the shopping comparison website healthcare.gov, Washington replied, “Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state an intolerable one.

We find the greedy hand of government thrusting itself into every corner and crevice of industry, and grasping the spoil of the multitude. Invention is continually exercised, to furnish new pretenses for revenues and taxation. It watches prosperity as its prey and permits none to escape without tribute.”

When one bystander pointed out that America was merely following the examples set by Canada and other socialist nations that take care of their citizens, Washington replied, “Hold on to the Constitution, for if the American Constitution should fail, there will be anarchy throughout the world.”

He added, “Every step we take towards making the State our Caretaker of our lives, by that much we move toward making the State our Master.

Then he quietly walked away.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

0

Pork Flattens Rural Protestor After Purchase Mandate Passes

Lake-Livingston-in-Background-Amber-FergusonHOUSTON (DDP) – Residents in the Crises Point subdivision of Lake Livingston, about 75-miles north of Houston, protested outside the entrance to the central clubhouse this morning after the governing board announced that both homeowners as well as renters would be required to own a minimum of two lots before the end of the fiscal year.

The mandate was passed after property values plummeted when an FHA appraiser discovered that 90 percent of existing homes within the subdivision had cracked slabs.

In a brief press conference held outside the entrance to the subdivision’s swimming pool, the lead member of the Crises Point exploratory committee, Future Opportunity to Raise Money Easily (FORCE), said, “After the disastrous effects the FHA report had on local property values, the resale potential for even unimproved lots was adversely affected.

“Local realtors were so taken aback that they removed current MLS postings from their databases; meanwhile, three of our property owners with current listings had pending contracts pulled right out from under their noses. Obviously, the board had to do something, lest we all suffer.

“To that end, FORCE determined that the most equitable way to increase property values was to mandate that subdivision renters, who do occasionally use the amenities here without paying anything directly to the board, purchase at least two lots immediately. Current property owners who already own at least two lots can simply keep their current ones, or exchange them for more agreeable locations.”

When asked if squatters currently residing in unoccupied rental cabins were affected by the mandate, the spokesperson replied, “Of course not. We certainly can’t force anyone who isn’t supposed to be here to abide by our rules. They made that clear when they reinstated me as board president during our last election.”

Signs the protestors carried featured slogans such as: If I could afford to own two lots here, I’d already own two lots here and How can I afford this when you keep raising the MUD taxes.

When the Depressed caught up to one protestor, whose sign read Take your lakefront lots and shove it, we asked him what he meant by such a vague statement.

He said, “I was going to keep the two lakefront lots I already own, because they told us that we didn’t have to exchange them unless we found better ones. I just recently found out that I have to switch my lakefront property for two weedy interior options instead. What’s worse is that the board members with lakefront spots get to keep theirs. How can this be fair?”

Before the Depressed could explain to him that we understood FORCE was only there to help him, a noticeably obese pig suddenly fell from the sky and knocked the man senseless.

© Amber Ferguson

There is no Crises Point subdivision on Lake Livingston.

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

2

Founding Fathers Launch Discovery Tour

Mount-Rushmore-The-Disassociated-DepressedBOSTON (DDP) –  Former first President George Washington, along with the other Founding Fathers who recently returned to this generation, announced today they launching a “Discovery Tour” to assess the current state of the union.

Washington and the other Founders, who arrived here shortly after a fifth-grader accidentally circumvented nature and invented time travel, held a brief press conference this morning outside the Boston homeless shelter where they have been staying and addressed their growing crowd of supporters.

As Washington took the stage along with Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson, supporters – many of whom were wearing buckled shoes, powdered wigs and other garments believed to be Colonial-era clothing – shouted “Ninja! Ninja!” in reference to the first President’s recent single-handed thrashing of several armed opponents.

After waiting several moments for the cheers of the jubilant crowd to subside, Washington said, “Having finished the work assigned me, I retired from the great theatre of Action; and did so bid an Affectionate farewell to the August body under whose orders I had so long acted.

“With delight, my friends and I journeyed forth to visit this nation we did bequeath posterity. The citizens of the United States of America have the right to applaud themselves for having given to mankind examples of an enlarged and liberal policy worthy of imitation. All possess alike liberty of conscience and immunities of citizenship. 

“Yet we sadly find no mound of parchment can be so formed as to stand against the sweeping torrent of boundless ambition on the one side, aided by the sapping current of corrupted morals on the other.

“Such cannot guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism. The basis of our political systems is the right of the people to make and to alter their Constitutions of Government. But the Constitution which at any time exists, ’till changed by an explicit and authentic act of the whole People is sacredly obligatory upon all.

The foundations of our national policy were laid in the pure and immutable principles of private morality. With regret, my friends and I find such principles ignored, forgotten, or held in repulsion by the many. The few who revere such standards would call we patriots’ back, if possible, to remind you.

And so I do find myself once more, summoned by my country, whose voice I can never hear but with veneration and love.

“We go now in hopes of regarding by our own eyes the state of our union and to discover the places where such moral foundations are most rotten.”

Although Washington’s speech was followed immediately by tumultuous cheering, the crowd quickly dispersed after a rumor spread that an anonymous source had reported the event to the police as a non-peaceful assembly.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

0

Benjamin Franklin Released from Boston Jail; Hillary Clinton’s Missing Clone Slips Away from Authorities

Thomas-Jefferson-the-Disassociated-DepressedBOSTON (DDP) – Benjamin Franklin, who recently traveled through time when a fifth-grader accidentally circumvented nature, was released today from the Boston jail where he was being held for violating the Infinite Law.

Franklin breached the new Infinite legislation, which strictly prohibits Americans from visiting the signings of the Constitution and Declaration of Independence, just seconds after it was passed by Congress, when he returned to his own era and fetched back former first President George Washington, along with several other of the Founding Fathers.

Washington and the other Founding Fathers were waiting outside the jail for Franklin, surrounded by a rapidly growing crowd of onlookers, many of whom were wearing powdered wigs, buckled shoes, and other Colonial-era attire. After shaking the hands of both Washington as well as a Founding Father who resembled the face on a nickel, Franklin was overheard asking the other statesmen if they had adequate opportunity to “evaluate this unhappy and, perchance, most lost generation.”

To which Washington replied, “Bad men cannot make good citizens. A vitiated state of morals, a corrupted public conscience are incompatible with freedom.

Before the gentlemen could enter waiting cabs and return to the homeless shelter where they have established temporary residence, wild applause broke out among the onlookers and several began shouting, “Ninja, Ninja,” in reference to Washington’s recent victory against a group of knife-wielding attackers.

Although Washington held up his hands as if to quiet the crowd, a female dressed in moccasins and a deerskin vest leapt onto the hood of a parked car and held up a sign that read #TOPs #theoriginalpatriots return now is the time to begin the world over again, which seemed to further ignite the crowd.

As many of the onlookers held up lighters, those nearest the statesmen pressed toward the men with outstretched arms, pushing them backward until they were almost crushed against the front of the jail. As the police began trying to disperse the crowd, one of the officers suddenly sprinted toward the woman in Native American garb, who tossed her sign into the air and disappeared in the crowd.

In a brief press conference after the incident, a police spokesperson confirmed that the woman did resemble Hillary Clinton, but added that she was probably Alpha Herra, the missing clone from the Future Americans Replenishment Mandate (FARM) project.

When asked by reporters why the police believed the woman was not Mrs. Clinton herself, the spokesperson replied that her sign seemed to indicate that she was favorable toward the original patriots, and that she hoped their return might be the catalyst for some type of change.

He then added, “Besides, it seems unlikely any current U.S. politicians would support the return of the American Founding Fathers. Very, very unlikely.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

0

Electronic Arts Announces Latest SIMS Game Will Feature American Elected Representatives

Fired-the-Shot-Heard-Round-the-World-Amber-FergusonWASHINGTON, D.C. (DDP) – Popular Video Game Publisher Electronic Arts (EA) has announced a new edition of its popular Sims franchise, this one featuring American Congressional representatives. It’s title, “The SIMS US Version: Taxation With Representation?,” has already been criticized by some members of Congress.

The Sims is part of the “god game” genre in the video gaming industry. Players design and control virtually every aspect of the playable characters’ worlds, from their clothing, to their housing, to their actual personalities and behavior.

The fictional characters react with each other and their environments naturally, subject to the player’s desired level of interference. For example, within the game’s fictional Washington, the characters can schedule Caribbean vacations, spa treatments, private catered parties, or even terminate an employee in order to hire a more attractive one, just as in “real” life.

In this latest version of the game, a player is given the choice to allow the Congressional characters to vote as they would in the actual world, or to intervene in the fictional world and cause Congress to vote in ways the player best sees fit.

Although EA has announced it will not release the game until November, preorder estimates now exceed a hundred million. An anonymous spokesperson for Electronic Arts told the Depressed in an exclusive telephone interview that people who wanted to go back in time and replay the Obamacare vote had placed approximately 85 percent of the preorders.

The game comes with a new “voice recognition” feature, which players may upload onto their existing gaming devices. Once the upgrade is installed, players may pontificate for as long as they desire. Online play includes the option to filibuster.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, an anonymous spokesperson for EA admitted that the game’s lead developers had originally intended to include a brief tutorial to introduce the original Constitution; however, after beta testers indicated that the American public wasn’t really interested, the developers omitted all references to historical facts.

He said, “The original Founding Fathers had some kind of weird mistrust of government. When you really get into the Bill of Rights, it’s almost like it was written to protect the people from federal control.

“Meanwhile, although gamers tend to be geeky but intelligent public school kids, our beta testers complained that they were having particular trouble understanding Amendment IV. By the time the tutorial got to Amendment X, several of the students complained it was so incomprehensible that they quit in frustration.

“And they kept asking us why the amendment that protects the government from religion was.”

The Depressed has since learned that a planned IRS audit of EA has been cancelled.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

4

Founding Fathers Return; Benjamin Franklin Arrested Almost Instantly

BOSTON MA (DDP) – Benjamin Franklin was arrested earlier today shortly after he and the rest of the Founding Fathers materialized out of thin air, surprising a group of soccer moms in the play area of a Chik-fil-A.

Franklin, who originally traveled through time when a fifth grader accidentally invented time travel, returned to his own era yesterday to “fetch George Washington” and other fellow members from the Revolutionary Era.

In describing the men’s unanticipated arrival, several of the soccer moms said that a pinpoint of light appeared and then suddenly exploded, seemingly “depositing” the men in its stead. When the women realized the blast was from the past, they each scrambled to be the first to tweet the event, while the patriots stood in shocked silence.

Franklin was the first to break the men’s silence. One woman, who had left her cell phone at home to charge it and was able to fully pay attention to his words, reported that he said, “What the–“ before punching through a wall and apologizing to the other men for the “accidental stop at Woodstock.”

Picketers outside the restaurant saw the men through the glass windows and rushed inside, believing a conservative group had staged some type of publicity stunt inside the controversial restaurant in support of colonial-era marriage traditions. Once inside, a shouting match quickly ensued, during which one soccer mom dropped her smartphone trying to video the event for youtube; however, once the picketers realized that Franklin was shouting, “–limited government, mine kind friends, but they thus falsely did interpret such to so mean an increase into–“ they quieted quickly.

During the melee, a Massachusetts Congressional Representative stopped in for an original Chik-fil-A. sandwich and crinkly fries. When the situation was explained to him, he quickly phoned police, who arrived minutes later and arrested Franklin for several violations of the recently enacted “Fees, Taxes, Regulations and Requirements for Infinity-Based Time Travel” legislation.

Time-Travel-Disassociated-Depressed-by-Amber-FergusonIn a brief press conference shortly after the arrest, a spokesperson for the Representative told incredulous onlookers that Franklin had violated the mandate against both bringing back another party from another time period, as well as against visiting the colonial era.

He said, “While we wish we could welcome the original founding fathers into our generation, the possibility exists that they might attempt to interfere or influence this generation, which could lead to devastating results.

“Franklin broke the Infinite Mandate within 24 hours after it was passed, and he told police when he was arrested that he’d brought the other men back to ‘help him set our generation straight.’”

After the spokesperson rubbed his temples a moment, he continued, “We certainly can’t allow their antiquated notions about their Constitution to cloud our modern day progress. Arresting Franklin right off the bat will, hopefully, scare the other Founding Fathers enough so that they’ll go back to where they belong and not dog us anymore.”

Editor’s note: The Depressed is watching the events and will issue updates as they unfold.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

0

Benjamin Franklin Apologizes for One of the Most Popular Phrases in the Declaration of Independence

Flag-the-Disassociated-DepressedNEW YORK CITY NY (DDP) — American Founding Father Benjamin Franklin – who recently traveled through time when a fifth-grader accidentally circumvented nature – made his first appearance nationally televised appearance yesterday.

Franklin appeared on Fox & Friends yesterday during its second hour and answered questions regarding what the Founding Fathers’ vision for the nation had been, as well as Franklin’s perception of the vision’s fulfillment.

At times, the Founder became visibly agitated by some of the questions, and occasionally shouted expletives that had to be deleted. The most explosive moment occurred when he was asked if the Constitution the Founders had left us had been properly obeyed throughout the generations.

The statesman responded by staring blankly at the news personalities for several seconds before suddenly kicking the small z-shaped “coffee” table with such force that it was propelled off-stage.

He then jumped upon a couch and shouted, “”The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government — lest it come to dominate our lives and interests!”

As the started news personalities watched, Franklin began to rent his hair as he continued shouting, ““When the American Spirit was in its youth, the language of America was different; Liberty, sir, was then the primary object!”

After an abrupt commercial break, Fox & Friends returned. Although Franklin still appeared rather red-faced, he was otherwise sitting calmly.

The statesman’s most controversial quote occurred when asked if there was any part of early American history he wished he could change.

Hanging his head, he replied, “Kind friend, there is indeed; that being, the phrase mine good friend Jefferson did write as the pursuit of Happiness in the wonderful Declaration of Independence.

“I fear that we did leave the generations to believe that happiness is attainable by straining to directly grab hold of it. Rather, it exists only as a by-product of pursuing other worthy goals: excellence in one’s work which then earns one recognition or monetary gain, achieving beauty in a garden where once only weeds and dirt did exist, or bringing an airy, winsome melody from the wood and ivory that is a piano. All are fine examples of worthy activities from which happiness may result as a by-product.”

Shaking his head, Franklin then added, “I fear that the pursuit of Happiness phraseology mayhap been better written as the unalienable right to pursue one’s goals or purpose in liberty and in peace. It does seem that the most abhorrent misinterpretation of the phraseology – the right of a mother to end an unborn child’s birth in pursuit of her own happiness being the most prominent example that does spring to mine memory – may have been avoided had we but foreseen the ever softening generations to come.”

When Franklin was then asked if he thought the current generation of Americans would attempt to return to the original laws of the land if a Founding Father reappeared and asked them to, he replied, “It is natural to man to indulge in the illusions of hope.”

He then shook his head again before concluding, “I cannot see that this generation would listen even if mine most admirable friend George Washington did return to plead with them in person. They are apt to shut their eyes against a painful truth, and listen to the song of that siren till she transforms us into beasts.”

The blogosphere has erupted in the wake of Franklin’s comments.

© Amber Ferguson

Most of Franklin’s comments were actually said by Patrick Henry. I changed them slightly so they would better fit this fictional post.

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.