BOSTON MA (DDP) – Because a fifth-grader accidentally brought back Founding Father Benjamin Franklin when the boy invented time travel by falling head first into infinity, Congress announced today it will tax infinity.
The legislation, known as the “Fees, Taxes, Regulations and Requirements for Infinity-Based Time Travel” was introduced in a brief press conference shortly after noon EST. Approximately 11,000 pages long, the document details to which time periods Americans are or are not allowed to visit, as well as attempts to manage imports and exports between the eras.
It also mandates the taxes that Americans must pay per each trip, as well as the fees due if the restrictions are violated.
The regulations include, but are not limited to, the following:
- No one may visit Florida on Election Day, 2000; $50,000 fine for first time violators; life in prison for the second violation
- No one may return from the ‘70s with a unisex haircut; $25,000 fine, each occurrence
- Only deaf and blind Americans may visit the dates the Declaration of Independence or the Constitution were signed; $125,000 fine, each occurrence
- No one may visit any century in the BC years or the first 200 years of the AC era; life in prison for any violation, and the violator must have their tongues and their hands cut off
- No member of the media may leave the present at any time
- No one may visit the moment the universe created itself; violators will be beaten, then burned with hot tongs, then buried in a fire ant hill, then shocked 1,000 times by a taser gun, then stoned to death
- No one may bring back any tobacco products before they became taboo; $10,000 fine, each occurrence
- No one may export alcohol to the prohibition era; $10,000 fine, each occurrence
- No one may bring anyone else back with them; violators will be shot
- No one may visit Las Vegas at any previous time period; $100,000 fine, each occurrence
- No one may visit the end of time; violators’ families will be beaten, then burned with hot tongs, then buried in a fire ant hill, then shocked 1,000 times by a taser gun, then stoned to death. The violator will then suffer the same fate, except they will be kicked out of an airplane without a parachute instead of being stoned to death
Congress also instituted a $1,000 per trip surcharge, subject to applicable state and local sales taxes. All travelers must have a valid passport, the fee for which was increased to $500.
Only government issued mirrors may be used to activate an episode of infinity. Available for purchase next week for $750 each at all local IRS offices, they are also subject to applicable state and local sales taxes.
Time travelers must submit an itinerary six months in advance.
Shortly after the regulations were introduced, the Depressed caught up to Benjamin Franklin to ask him what he thought about the legislation.
In our exclusive telephone interview with the Founding Father, Franklin said he has been quietly studying our generation during his visit here, and was about to return to his generation to fetch George Washington and several other members of the original patriot act.
When pressed for an explanation, Franklin sighed and said, “Time is money.”
He then added, “These are the times that try men’s souls.”