0

Coverage Under the Healthcare Mandate Clarified

Advertisements
0

Pork Flattens Rural Protestor After Purchase Mandate Passes

Lake-Livingston-in-Background-Amber-FergusonHOUSTON (DDP) – Residents in the Crises Point subdivision of Lake Livingston, about 75-miles north of Houston, protested outside the entrance to the central clubhouse this morning after the governing board announced that both homeowners as well as renters would be required to own a minimum of two lots before the end of the fiscal year.

The mandate was passed after property values plummeted when an FHA appraiser discovered that 90 percent of existing homes within the subdivision had cracked slabs.

In a brief press conference held outside the entrance to the subdivision’s swimming pool, the lead member of the Crises Point exploratory committee, Future Opportunity to Raise Money Easily (FORCE), said, “After the disastrous effects the FHA report had on local property values, the resale potential for even unimproved lots was adversely affected.

“Local realtors were so taken aback that they removed current MLS postings from their databases; meanwhile, three of our property owners with current listings had pending contracts pulled right out from under their noses. Obviously, the board had to do something, lest we all suffer.

“To that end, FORCE determined that the most equitable way to increase property values was to mandate that subdivision renters, who do occasionally use the amenities here without paying anything directly to the board, purchase at least two lots immediately. Current property owners who already own at least two lots can simply keep their current ones, or exchange them for more agreeable locations.”

When asked if squatters currently residing in unoccupied rental cabins were affected by the mandate, the spokesperson replied, “Of course not. We certainly can’t force anyone who isn’t supposed to be here to abide by our rules. They made that clear when they reinstated me as board president during our last election.”

Signs the protestors carried featured slogans such as: If I could afford to own two lots here, I’d already own two lots here and How can I afford this when you keep raising the MUD taxes.

When the Depressed caught up to one protestor, whose sign read Take your lakefront lots and shove it, we asked him what he meant by such a vague statement.

He said, “I was going to keep the two lakefront lots I already own, because they told us that we didn’t have to exchange them unless we found better ones. I just recently found out that I have to switch my lakefront property for two weedy interior options instead. What’s worse is that the board members with lakefront spots get to keep theirs. How can this be fair?”

Before the Depressed could explain to him that we understood FORCE was only there to help him, a noticeably obese pig suddenly fell from the sky and knocked the man senseless.

© Amber Ferguson

There is no Crises Point subdivision on Lake Livingston.

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

1

Congress Cancels the Weather

Congress-Cancels-the-Weather-by-Amber-Kay-FergusonWASHINGTON DC (DDP) — Because it might interfere with national media coverage of President Obama, Congress has cancelled the weather.

In a typically partisan press conference late yesterday, Democrat President Barack Obama, along with other prominent Party members, called upon the Senate to follow in the footsteps of the House and vote in favor of the cancellation.

“Hurricanes distract people enough,” President Obama said. “But when you combine those coming this summer with blizzards or wildfires or droughts, the media just can’t seem to stay focused on my plan to turn American into a socialist nation. You know, so we can be just like Great Britain, who we once rebelled against.”

California Representative Diane Feinstein agreed. “It’s a shocking situation. Just last month, only two AP reporters showed up when California tried to prosecute a homeschooling mother. And, so help me, they were interns. All because of a few little snowstorms, and some other small unusual weather events.”

Obama concurred. “The American people do not want to be distracted from admiring one of the most important Presidents in our nation’s history by any additional weather.”

Democrat Minority Speaker Nancy Pelosi of California helped push the measure through the House last Friday, claiming, “If the majority of the House won’t do something to stop nature then we will.”

In a short speech after the vote, fellow party member Sheila Jackson-Lee of Texas agreed. “If the American people want to see ice, they can buy an icetray. If they want air, they can turn on a fan. If this Congress were more in tune with the American people they claim to lead, they would understand that.”

Fuel prices soured immediately after the resolution was passed.

Several Republicans jumped sides of the aisle and voted in favor of the measure after an amendment to cancel autumn itself was added.

The amendment is the most controversial aspect of the bill. A new poll published by the Wall Street Journal and Forbes reflects a significant number of Americans are unhappy with the cancellation of autumn. Sixty-eight percent of respondents believe the measure will carry over into winter, resulting in no Santa Claus this year.

President Obama held a held a five-star, lobster and champagne reception after the press conference where he told admiring reporters, “If this measure passes the Senate, I will sign it. The American people expect this government to control their seasonings. I mean seasons.”

Several partygoers reported that the President’s food taster was on site, and that the President dined alongside his guests.

Former Vice President and Presidential contender Al Gore is currently conducting research regarding the effects of the resolution on global warming. When the Depressed caught up to him outside the Capital, he said, “If we can get the European Union to come on board with us, we just might have something. As soon as we download the latest version of PowerPoint, I’ll get back to you.”

The Senate is expected to pass the resolution.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

This column was previously published in the Huntsville Item, The Daily Mooch, and New Christian Voices and the original Disassociated Depressed blogs. It has been updated for the current political climate. Copyright retained by the author.