WASHINGTON DC (DDP) – In yet another unnatural natural event, pigs across the globe flew yesterday, forcing people as remotely located as Antarctica to keep promises they never thought they’d have to fulfill.
The worst impact seems to have occurred in the American southern states.
Reports of mothers-in-law being respected in both North and South Carolina continue to shock the nation; in Mississippi, at least 40,000 out of work sons-in-law are seeking gainful employment and losing weight.
Angry mobs in Georgia and Alabama have been organizing on their respective state capitols’ steps since Saturday, protesting the state’s slow response to the tragedy; however, in Texas, Governor Rick Perry is already urging Texans to weigh down their donkeys.
In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, Perry said, “We’re trying to head off further calamity by responding proactively. I’m safe as long as pigs are the only beasts affected, but if those donkeys soar off too, I’ll personally have to spend Thanksgiving with my wife’s family. Now that would be a very serious unnatural natural disaster!”
Although the Fellowship of Opinionated Lady Earth Disciples (FOOLED) immediately posted a message on its website blaming the event on extreme global warming, environmentalists testifying before Congress in an emergency session are holding fast to their previous assertion that Mother Nature is behind the gravitational disruption.
Meanwhile, though blogs across the southern states of the U.S. reflect growing concern that donkeys might indeed be next, globally, blogs seem to indicate a more widespread fear that hell might freeze over.
In response, Mike Huckabee, a practicing Christian and former Arkansas governor, issued a short press release, in which he said, “As I said before: I just can’t get behind the ‘Mother Nature’ theory [Christians believe in a ‘Father God’]; however, I also want to reiterate that, though the Bible never says pigs will fly, if God wants them to fly, don’t plan on buying any more bacon for awhile.”
The press release concluded, “Unfortunately, I can promise you that hell isn’t going to freeze over.”
To dispel the growing fear that the U.S. is in conflict with Mother Nature, a Congressional spokesperson held a brief press conference this morning, during which he said, “Look, we’re still not sure if there’s a sentient being behind this new unnatural natural event or not, because the problem may have actually begun when some Idaho potato farmers fed their pigs green potatoes.
“But, if there is actually a sentient being, she may be doing us a favor. Washington was going to have to tax the bacon and pork sausage industries out of existence anyway, because there’s no way we’re going to be able to build a perfectly healthy society if Americans keep eating poisonous substances like that.
“That said, we are currently working on a $150 billion bailout bill with Congress to save the pork chop and ham industries. It’s up to us here in Washington to make sure there’s a big dose of pork in everything the American people consume.”
This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.
The Disassociated Depressed 