Noah Webster Flunks the SAT

LIVINGSTON, TX (DDP) – First President George Washington and the rest of the Founding Fathers, who recently traveled through time when a fifth grader accidentally circumvented nature, met this weekend with the high school principal that is currently on death row in Texas for treating high school children like adults.

The Founders are on a tour to observe our generation and are frequently accompanied by a growing entourage of adoring groupies wearing buckled shoes and other Colonial-era clothing and accessories. The Depressed, along with most other major media outlets, have been chronicling their journey.

Although the statesmen were delayed in Texas, their first destination, when Benjamin Franklin was jailed for denouncing San Antonio’s new anti-discrimination ordinance, when the imprisoned principal finally met with the Founders, he explained that his crime against the state originally began because he thought high school students “rebelled” from due to their dislike of being treated the same as kindergartners.

As the statesmen peppered the prisoner with questions, the educator explained that, besides his crime of treating his students like young adults, he’d also tried to teach the students how to balance a checkbook, how to vote responsibly instead of selfishly, and how to properly prepare a resumé.

When Franklin asked what the students were learning instead of such common sense, the principal explained it was the Common Core. He then briefly outlined the SAT. That was when Franklin, who is gaining a reputation for being the most angry member of the angry group of returning Founding Fathers, launched into such a tirade of expletives that we had to delete his entire speech. Death row guards then ejected him from the premises.

Franklin immediately traveled back through time and returned with Noah Webster, dubbed “Father of American Scholarship and Education” by succeeding generations After the original educator met with the doomed high school principal, he announced that he was going to take the SAT to judge for himself what knowledge this generation of American high school graduates is expected to master.

Although the SAT organization does not release test results to the general public, when Webster received his failing scores soon thereafter, he had this to say to the Depressed in an exclusive telephone interview.

After strongly criticizing the SAT in general, he said, “The only foundation for a useful education in a republic is to be aid in religion. Without this there can be no virtue, and without virtue there can be no liberty, and liberty is the object and life of all republican governments. Without religion, I believe that learning does real mischief to the morals and principles of mankind.”

The Depressed has since learned that Webster failed to correctly answer a single algebraic question, although we are happy to report that he was kind enough to prepare a budget for our news organization shortly afterward. The Depressed is now able to meet its obligations for the first time in our history.

Webster also failed the grammatical section of the achievement test, due to the fact that, in colonial America, the statesmen often capitalized nouns for no discernable explanation, used commas seemingly at random, and did not believe that clauses beginning with which require a comma at the beginning of the phrase; in fact, although our Founding Fathers’ actual quotes frequently send the Depressed editors into near hysterics, nevertheless, we will continue to report the statesmen’s words verbatim.

Most surprising was the textbook pioneer’s failing score for the reading portion of the test. When asked to comment on the issue, he said, “SAT is thus an exam that does stand on its head! I did carefully peruse each essay, and was left with no doubt I could thereby answer any queries regarding each piece with intelligence.

“Yet, the very questions themselves failed to inquire if I understood that which I had read. Rather, they were but to test if I did understand the author’s intent.

“Kind friend, graduates of this very generation are educated not to think for themselves, only thus to remember what they are told!”

Although the Depressed failed to understand Webster’s explanation, we then asked him if there was anything the current public education system needed to change.

He said, “We have a dangerous trend beginning to take place in our education. We’re starting to put more and more textbooks into our schools… We’ve become accustomed of late of putting little books into the hands of children containing fables and moral lessons… We are spending less time in the classroom on the Bible, which should be the principle text in our schools… The Bible states these great moral lessons better than any other manmade book.

“Should not the Bible regain the place it once held as a schoolbook? Its morals are pure, its examples are captivating and noble… The reverence for the sacred book that is thus early impressed lasts long; and, probably, if not impressed in infancy, never takes firm hold of the mind… .

“The evil that has resulted from the error of the schools in teaching natural philosophy as an accomplishment only has been that of generating in the pupils a species of atheism. Instead of looking through the works of the creation to the Creator himself, they stop short, and employ the knowledge they acquire to create doubts of His existence. ”

After pausing for a moment, he added, “Man [has] become…what the theory of atheism declares him to be-a companion for brutes.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

For a timeline of “religion” in American public schools, see here.

Benjamin Franklin Released from Boston Jail; Hillary Clinton’s Missing Clone Slips Away from Authorities

BOSTON (DDP) – Benjamin Franklin, who recently traveled through time when a fifth-grader accidentally circumvented nature, was released today from the Boston jail where he was being held for violating the Infinite Law.

Franklin breached the new Infinite legislation, which strictly prohibits Americans from visiting the signings of the Constitution and Declaration of Independence, just seconds after it was passed by Congress, when he returned to his own era and fetched back former first President George Washington, along with several other of the Founding Fathers.

Washington and the other Founding Fathers were waiting outside the jail for Franklin, surrounded by a rapidly growing crowd of onlookers, many of whom were wearing powdered wigs, buckled shoes, and other Colonial-era attire. After shaking the hands of both Washington as well as a Founding Father who resembled the face on a nickel, Franklin was overheard asking the other statesmen if they had adequate opportunity to “evaluate this unhappy and, perchance, most lost generation.”

To which Washington replied, “Bad men cannot make good citizens. A vitiated state of morals, a corrupted public conscience are incompatible with freedom.”

Before the gentlemen could enter waiting cabs and return to the homeless shelter where they have established temporary residence, wild applause broke out among the onlookers and several began shouting, “Ninja, Ninja,” in reference to Washington’s recent victory against a group of knife-wielding attackers.

Although Washington held up his hands as if to quiet the crowd, a female dressed in moccasins and a deerskin vest leapt onto the hood of a parked car and held up a sign that read #TOPs #theoriginalpatriots return– now is the time to begin the world over again, which seemed to further ignite the crowd.

As many of the onlookers held up lighters, those nearest the statesmen pressed toward the men with outstretched arms, pushing them backward until they were almost crushed against the front of the jail. As the police began trying to disperse the crowd, one of the officers suddenly sprinted toward the woman in Native American garb, who tossed her sign into the air and disappeared in the crowd.

In a brief press conference after the incident, a police spokesperson confirmed that the woman did resemble Hillary Clinton, but added that she was probably Alpha Herra, the missing clone from the Future Americans Replenishment Mandate (FARM) project.

When asked by reporters why the police believed the woman was not Mrs. Clinton herself, the spokesperson replied that her sign seemed to indicate that she was favorable toward the original patriots, and that she hoped their return might be the catalyst for some type of change.

He then added, “Besides, it seems unlikely any current U.S. politicians would support the return of the American Founding Fathers. Very, very unlikely.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

George Washington’s Ninja Fight Goes Viral on YouTube

BOSTON (DDP) – Former First President of the United States, George Washington, single-handedly disarmed a group of knife-wielding robbers yesterday, just blocks from Nashua Street Jail where Benjamin Franklin is being held.

According to police, the incident began when Washington, along with several other Founding Fathers, left the homeless shelter where they have taken up temporary residence to visit Franklin, who is being held for violating the Infinite Law. The patriots recently arrived in our generation when a fifth-grader accidentally circumvented infinity and invented time travel.

Several other homeless persons who were nearby at the time told reporters that a group of nine hooded individuals emerged from the shadows and encircled the Founders as they left the shelter. The largest of the attackers then pulled Washington away from the other men and placed a knife to his throat.

Witnesses say that the man said, “Just do what you’re–“ but was prevented from speaking further when Washington spun in place and headbutted the attacker, knocking him unconscious.

The former President then spun to his right in a roundhouse kick that knocked out two more of the assailants. Before the half dozen remaining could react, he reportedly spun to his left in a second roundhouse kick, disabling two more.

The four remaining attackers then rushed the elder statesmen as the other Founding Fathers watched quietly from behind. When one of the witnesses moved forward to assist Washington, a man described as matching the picture of “the dude on a nickel” grabbed the would-be assistant and told him, “Kind friend, distress not yourself. Such inexperienced rabble stands no match against yon Washington’s skills.”

As the four neared the patriot, he flipped toward them, over their heads, and then twisted before landing upon his feet to face them. One attacker apparently recovered from the surprise move more quickly than the others and tried to lunge toward the first President; however, before the assailant had a chance to completely extend his knife hand, Washington caught the man’s forearm, twisted, dropped to one knee and flipped the knifeman over a shoulder. The former First President then karate-chopped his assailant in the neck.

The three remaining assailants took the opportunity to attack en masse. Washington jumped to his feet and backed quickly into a corner. Witnesses say that the attackers must have believed they had effectively captured him, because they began taunting the statesman as they closed in; however, before they could react, Washington braced his hands and feet against the corner’s two walls and scrambled up and out of their reach in seconds. He then jumped over them, twisted again, and knocked the last three senseless with a third kick.

Several of the onlookers, who had begun cheering and chanting, “Ninja! Ninja!” during the altercation, had recorded the incident with their smartphones. Youtube videos went viral long before police arrived three-minutes later.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

Electronic Arts Announces Latest SIMS Game Will Feature American Elected Representatives

WASHINGTON, D.C. (DDP) – Popular Video Game Publisher Electronic Arts (EA) has announced a new edition of its popular Sims franchise, this one featuring American Congressional representatives. It’s title, “The SIMS US Version: Taxation With Representation?,” has already been criticized by some members of Congress.

The Sims is part of the “god game” genre in the video gaming industry. Players design and control virtually every aspect of the playable characters’ worlds, from their clothing, to their housing, to their actual personalities and behavior.

The fictional characters react with each other and their environments naturally, subject to the player’s desired level of interference. For example, within the game’s fictional Washington, the characters can schedule Caribbean vacations, spa treatments, private catered parties, or even terminate an employee in order to hire a more attractive one, just as in “real” life.

In this latest version of the game, a player is given the choice to allow the Congressional characters to vote as they would in the actual world, or to intervene in the fictional world and cause Congress to vote in ways the player best sees fit.

Although EA has announced it will not release the game until November, preorder estimates now exceed a hundred million. An anonymous spokesperson for Electronic Arts told the Depressed in an exclusive telephone interview that people who wanted to go back in time and replay the Obamacare vote had placed approximately 85 percent of the preorders.

The game comes with a new “voice recognition” feature, which players may upload onto their existing gaming devices. Once the upgrade is installed, players may pontificate for as long as they desire. Online play includes the option to filibuster.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, an anonymous spokesperson for EA admitted that the game’s lead developers had originally intended to include a brief tutorial to introduce the original Constitution; however, after beta testers indicated that the American public wasn’t really interested, the developers omitted all references to historical facts.

He said, “The original Founding Fathers had some kind of weird mistrust of government. When you really get into the Bill of Rights, it’s almost like it was written to protect the people from federal control.

“Meanwhile, although gamers tend to be geeky but intelligent public school kids, our beta testers complained that they were having particular trouble understanding Amendment IV. By the time the tutorial got to Amendment X, several of the students complained it was so incomprehensible that they quit in frustration.

“And they kept asking us why the amendment that protects the government from religion was.”

The Depressed has since learned that a planned IRS audit of EA has been cancelled.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

Mental Health Specialists to Help High School Students Stop Thinking They’re Adults

ABILENE, TX (DDP) – Abilene High School students who continue to believe that they are actually adults will soon be rescued by mental health specialists from the Adult Behavior Unauthorized in School Environment (ABUSE) in the hope that their attitude doesn’t trend nationwide.

The students, who were originally misled by former principal Pat Henry, have continued to hold gainful employment, volunteer in their community, and cheerfully accept a variety of responsibilities even after Henry was given the death sentence for committing crimes against the state.

In a brief press conference outside the Abilene High School detention center, an ABUSE spokesperson said, “We thought that the summer hiatus would cure the children of the brainwashing they received under Mr. Henry’s tenure. It was believed that they would use the free time to sneak alcohol into pool parties, sext each other, make Jackass videos, and engage in otherwise normal teenage behavior.

“Unfortunately, the majority of the teens have spent their summer engaged in activities that are completely abnormal. Craigslist ads for high school Young Republican and Democrat Clubs are rampant; in fact, we’ve even seen a couple of Libertarian and Independent groups. Shocking!

“Meanwhile, students are spending their Saturday nights engaged in healthy activities such as playing tennis, finding homes for shelter dogs, and/or playing backgammon. The Abilene Police Department reports that it may have to lay off as many as a third of its officers because there are simply not enough 18-year-olds trying to buy a beer. What’s the point in our having laws when no one tries to break them?

He concluded, “This is why ABUSE is going to be there in the high school when students return this fall. These kids have to be reacquainted with their role in society.”

In an exclusive telephone interview later that afternoon, the Depressed asked the spokesperson what procedures ABUSE planned to institute to help the students.

He replied, “It’s critical that these kids realize they’re not adults yet, even if they can legally get married or die for their country in a year or so. Since most of the high schoolers are used to going to the bathroom whenever they want, we’ll crack down on that first. That’s kind of a given because it’s so psychologically effective.

“Then we’ll make sure each and every class assigns seating. We’ll also stop the practice of allowing students of differing ages to mingle. It’s important that the kids experience forced friendships based on demographics only. That’s a very powerful technique for making them feel rebellious.”

When the Depressed asked if that was the entire plan, the spokesperson explained that teenagers are so often adept at critical thinking skills that he didn’t want to divulge anything they could competently strategize against.

He then added, “I will tell you, however, that ABUSE’s number one weapon is simply to call them teenagers. Back in my granddad’s day, they didn’t have that word and high school aged students just instinctively understood that they, by default, weren’t children anymore. That’s totally unacceptable.

“I can’t emphasize the importance to this nation that they remain complaint enough in those first few years after childhood for us to reach them, because those are the years the government-funded school system can most easily influence them.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

Founding Fathers Return; Benjamin Franklin Arrested Almost Instantly

BOSTON MA (DDP) – Benjamin Franklin was arrested earlier today shortly after he and the rest of the Founding Fathers materialized out of thin air, surprising a group of soccer moms in the play area of a Chik-fil-A.

Franklin, who originally traveled through time when a fifth grader accidentally invented time travel, returned to his own era yesterday to “fetch George Washington” and other fellow members from the Revolutionary Era.

In describing the men’s unanticipated arrival, several of the soccer moms said that a pinpoint of light appeared and then suddenly exploded, seemingly “depositing” the men in its stead. When the women realized the blast was from the past, they each scrambled to be the first to tweet the event, while the patriots stood in shocked silence.

Franklin was the first to break the men’s silence. One woman, who had left her cell phone at home to charge it and was able to fully pay attention to his words, reported that he said, “What the–“ before punching through a wall and apologizing to the other men for the “accidental stop at Woodstock.”

Picketers outside the restaurant saw the men through the glass windows and rushed inside, believing a conservative group had staged some type of publicity stunt inside the controversial restaurant in support of colonial-era marriage traditions. Once inside, a shouting match quickly ensued, during which one soccer mom dropped her smartphone trying to video the event for youtube; however, once the picketers realized that Franklin was shouting, “–limited government, mine kind friends, but they thus falsely did interpret such to so mean an increase into–“ they quieted quickly.

During the melee, a Massachusetts Congressional Representative stopped in for an original Chik-fil-A. sandwich and crinkly fries. When the situation was explained to him, he quickly phoned police, who arrived minutes later and arrested Franklin for several violations of the recently enacted “Fees, Taxes, Regulations and Requirements for Infinity-Based Time Travel” legislation.

In a brief press conference shortly after the arrest, a spokesperson for the Representative told incredulous onlookers that Franklin had violated the mandate against both bringing back another party from another time period, as well as against visiting the colonial era.

He said, “While we wish we could welcome the original founding fathers into our generation, the possibility exists that they might attempt to interfere or influence this generation, which could lead to devastating results.

“Franklin broke the Infinite Mandate within 24 hours after it was passed, and he told police when he was arrested that he’d brought the other men back to ‘help him set our generation straight.’”

After the spokesperson rubbed his temples a moment, he continued, “We certainly can’t allow their antiquated notions about their Constitution to cloud our modern day progress. Arresting Franklin right off the bat will, hopefully, scare the other Founding Fathers enough so that they’ll go back to where they belong and not dog us anymore.”

Editor’s note: The Depressed is watching the events and will issue updates as they unfold.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

Congress Taxes Infinity; Benjamin Franklin to Fetch George Washington

BOSTON MA (DDP) – Because a fifth-grader accidentally brought back Founding Father Benjamin Franklin when the boy invented time travel by falling head first into infinity, Congress announced today it will tax infinity.

The legislation, known as the “Fees, Taxes, Regulations and Requirements for Infinity-Based Time Travel” was introduced in a brief press conference shortly after noon EST. Approximately 11,000 pages long, the document details to which time periods Americans are or are not allowed to visit, as well as attempts to manage imports and exports between the eras.

It also mandates the taxes that Americans must pay per each trip, as well as the fees due if the restrictions are violated.

The regulations include, but are not limited to, the following:

• No one may visit Florida on Election Day, 2000; $50,000 fine for first time violators; life in prison for the second violation
• No one may return from the ‘70s with a unisex haircut; $25,000 fine, each occurrence
• Only deaf and blind Americans may visit the dates the Declaration of Independence or the Constitution were signed; $125,000 fine, each occurrence
• No one may visit any century in the BC years or the first 200 years of the AC era; life in prison for any violation, and the violator must have their tongues and their hands cut off
• No member of the media may leave the present at any time
• No one may visit the moment the universe created itself; violators will be beaten, then burned with hot tongs, then buried in a fire ant hill, then shocked 1,000 times by a taser gun, then stoned to death
• No one may bring back any tobacco products before they became taboo; $10,000 fine, each occurrence
• No one may export alcohol to the prohibition era; $10,000 fine, each occurrence
• No one may bring anyone else back with them; violators will be shot
• No one may visit Las Vegas at any previous time period; $100,000 fine, each occurrence
• No one may visit the end of time; violators’ families will be beaten, then burned with hot tongs, then buried in a fire ant hill, then shocked 1,000 times by a taser gun, then stoned to death. The violator will then suffer the same fate, except they will be kicked out of an airplane without a parachute instead of being stoned to death

Congress also instituted a $1,000 per trip surcharge, subject to applicable state and local sales taxes. All travelers must have a valid passport, the fee for which was increased to $500.

Only government issued mirrors may be used to activate an episode of infinity. Available for purchase next week for $750 each at all local IRS offices, they are also subject to applicable state and local sales taxes.

Time travelers must submit an itinerary six months in advance.

Shortly after the regulations were introduced, the Depressed caught up to Benjamin Franklin to ask him what he thought about the legislation.

In our exclusive telephone interview with the Founding Father, Franklin said he has been quietly studying our generation during his visit here, and was about to return to his generation to fetch George Washington and several other members of the original patriot act.

When pressed for an explanation, Franklin sighed and said, “Time is money.”

He then added, “These are the times that try men’s souls.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

Lakewood Church Exposes HOOEE

Houston TX (DDP) – Lakewood Church, the mega church being sued by HOOEE, the Historical Observation Organization Effectively Educating, recently discovered that the historical institution had attempted to alter a Christian-related document.

HOOEE filed the civil suit because Lakewood contradicts the HOOEE assertion that aliens fed the Israelites as they wandered in the desert for 40 years, rather than “God.” The organization said that it didn’t want to have the same long-term trouble with the Christians that the evolutionists have had.

In a brief press release this morning, pastor Joel Osteen said, “Thanks to one of our wonderful assistants, we discovered seconds before an email was sent to our list subscribers that a sentence regarding the perseverance of David, Elijah and Joseph that should have read ‘They didn’t give up, and God gave them victory!’ had been changed to ‘They didn’t give up, and extraterrestrial gave them the victory! And food!’”

The press release went on to list additional sentences in which Osteen’s words about God had been changed to better support HOOEE historical evidence.

It concluded, “Even if we are surrounded by 400 falsehoods, the power of God will still be revealed for everyone to see.”

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, the lead HOOEE historian said, “We’re certainly not finished trying to debunk the ‘God’ myth; however, we admit it was a bit early to attempt such a substantial subversion.

“We’ve got to get under their skin a bit first, so we’re going to go after the church teenagers. Just like adults, there certainly are a lot of them who claim to be Christians, but we have it on good evidence that few of them personally know what the Bible says. It’s unfortunate, however, that those who have read It are kind of nutty about It.

“Anyway, once the Christian kids believe it, we’ll have the next generation for sure. That’s what’s so cool about the public school system.”

When the Depressed asked what he meant, the spokesperson pointed out how the grandparents of the current generation of school children didn’t even have an Earth Day, but that their kids learned to revere it in public school, and then taught their own children.

He added, “That’s why we call it progress.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

High School Principal Receives Death Sentence for Treating High School Students Like Adults

ABILENE, TX (DDP) – Pat Henry, the Texas principal convicted last Friday of Crimes Against the State, Subversive Intent and multiple counts of Brainwashing a Minor, was sentenced to death yesterday.

The controversial educator was transferred to Abilene High School in Abilene, Texas after the school received an “Academically Unacceptable” rating in 2010 from the state’s board of education, the Texas Education Agency (TEA). In just one year under Henry’s tenure, the institution so dramatically turned around that it received a rating of  “Exemplary,” the highest rating given by the TEA.

After it was discovered that the dropout rate had decreased to absolute zero under Henry’s tenure, an anonymous source working in the Abilene school district notified the TEA that the students had actually enjoyed attending school the past year. When the TEA began investigating the shocking allegation, a second informer told the TEA that at least 25 seniors had actually cried on their last day of public school.

When the TEA discovered that two of the seniors had tried to break into the school’s computer database to modify their school records so that it would appear they had flunked their last year, Henry was immediately arrested and brought before a disciplinary panel for interrogation.

Henry initially tried to avoid answering any questions regarding why the students enjoyed attending school, but under intense questioning, he admitted to the panel of inquisitors that he had treated the students like adults, causing the TEA to promptly file charges.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, Henry said, “I’m an adult myself, and so are my friends. If anyone tried to tell us when we could go to the john, we’d probably feel a bit rebellious too.

“I figured if I stopped trying to control my students like we have to contain kindergartners, they’d stop behaving like rebellious children. If the tables were turned, wouldn’t you?”

After a brief pause during which it seemed that Henry was trying to regain his composure, he added, “I-I thought my idea was working. No one dropped out. Over 80 percent of all the students made the honor roll. I wasn’t worried until the seniors all voluntarily went out and got jobs.

“But, it wasn’t until they built a well for an Ethiopian village that I had to admit I’d started a snowball, and it was gathering speed something awful. Most adults won’t do something like that! How was I supposed to know that if you respectfully challenge teenagers, they’re so energetic they just might surprise you?”

The Depressed learned that, in early autumn last year (some nine months before the seniors’ shockingly selfless endeavor), Henry had called a school assembly and informed the students that they were actually adults already.

The most serious of the charges, multiple counts of Brainwashing a Minor, were imposed because the principal tried to reclassify attending classes as “work.” As the school year progressed, Henry reclassified the classrooms as “work spaces,” the school curricula as “projects” and report cards as “student evaluations.”

By March, the students no longer were under a mandatory dress code, but had begun to dress in what Henry had by then classified as “business casual.” Two of the jurors admitted, however, that it was because Henry had installed water coolers where he allowed the students to chat quietly that they’d given him the death sentence.

The Depressed recently uncovered evidence that, after the seniors’ Ethiopian caper, Henry had tried to slow their efforts by imposing so much homework that the students would have to quit their jobs. Unfortunately for Henry, the seniors responded by rising to the challenge of the new responsibility (at least 63 percent actually received raises from their employers during that time), causing the junior class to request additional responsibilities as well.

Henry had then issued a mandatory naptime after lunch for the students; however, most of the hard-working students welcomed the nap.

In his growing desperation to make gainful employment unattractive to the seniors, the principal then approached the Abilene city council with the proposition that a mandatory curfew be imposed on anyone under 18, the violation of which would incur a $5,000 fine. Henry’s bad luck continued when two of the council members announced that their geriatric mothers were better off now that several of the seniors were working as personal caregivers at the local Alzheimer’s facility where the women lived.

Henry is being held at the Polunsky Unit outside of Livingston, Texas, where he has already appealed his sentence in a case that is expected to reach the Supreme Court. Lobbyists for the state are reportedly already on their way from Germany, and are preparing to testify before the Court that students from kindergarten through high school must be uniformly controlled by the state in order to become good citizens.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

Congress Cancels the Weather

WASHINGTON DC (DDP) — Because it might interfere with national media coverage of President Obama, Congress has cancelled the weather.

In a typically partisan press conference late yesterday, Democrat President Barack Obama, along with other prominent Party members, called upon the Senate to follow in the footsteps of the House and vote in favor of the cancellation.

“Hurricanes distract people enough,” President Obama said. “But when you combine those coming this summer with blizzards or wildfires or droughts, the media just can’t seem to stay focused on my plan to turn American into a socialist nation. You know, so we can be just like Great Britain, who we once rebelled against.”

California Representative Diane Feinstein agreed. “It’s a shocking situation. Just last month, only two AP reporters showed up when California tried to prosecute a homeschooling mother. And, so help me, they were interns. All because of a few little snowstorms, and some other small unusual weather events.”

Obama concurred. “The American people do not want to be distracted from admiring one of the most important Presidents in our nation’s history by any additional weather.”

Democrat Minority Speaker Nancy Pelosi of California helped push the measure through the House last Friday, claiming, “If the majority of the House won’t do something to stop nature then we will.”

In a short speech after the vote, fellow party member Sheila Jackson-Lee of Texas agreed. “If the American people want to see ice, they can buy an icetray. If they want air, they can turn on a fan. If this Congress were more in tune with the American people they claim to lead, they would understand that.”

Fuel prices soured immediately after the resolution was passed.

Several Republicans jumped sides of the aisle and voted in favor of the measure after an amendment to cancel autumn itself was added.

The amendment is the most controversial aspect of the bill. A new poll published by the Wall Street Journal and Forbes reflects a significant number of Americans are unhappy with the cancellation of autumn. Sixty-eight percent of respondents believe the measure will carry over into winter, resulting in no Santa Claus this year.

President Obama held a held a five-star, lobster and champagne reception after the press conference where he told admiring reporters, “If this measure passes the Senate, I will sign it. The American people expect this government to control their seasonings. I mean seasons.”

Several partygoers reported that the President’s food taster was on site, and that the President dined alongside his guests.

Former Vice President and Presidential contender Al Gore is currently conducting research regarding the effects of the resolution on global warming. When the Depressed caught up to him outside the Capital, he said, “If we can get the European Union to come on board with us, we just might have something. As soon as we download the latest version of PowerPoint, I’ll get back to you.”

The Senate is expected to pass the resolution.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

This column was previously published in the Huntsville Item, The Daily Mooch, and New Christian Voices and the original Disassociated Depressed blogs. It has been updated for the current political climate. Copyright retained by the author.