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Coverage Under the Healthcare Mandate Clarified

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Benjamin Franklin Arrested for Intolerance; Washington Criticizes Healthcare Mandate

San-Antonio-River-Walk-Disassociated-DepressedSAN ANTONIO TX (DDP) – George Washington and the rest of the Founding Fathers, who recently traveled through time after a fifth grader accidentally circumvented nature, held a brief press conference today at the River Walk in San Antonio.

The Founders, who are on the first leg of a tour during which they will observe our generation, spoke before a rapidly growing number of followers, many of whom sported powdered wigs and other Colonial-era clothing and accessories in tribute.

Franklin, whose fondness for science is almost legendary, opened the press conference with a brief note of thanks for the outpouring of support he received when he was recently jailed for violating the new Infinity Law. He then complimented the city of San Antonio for the River Walk and “a most excellent and wondrous interpretation of scientific principle and technology that did lead to preservation of such a fine and beauteous natural retreat beneath its streets.”

He then punched a hole through the Hilton’s glass doors.

As bystanders scrambled to avoid airborne glass shards, Franklin began shouting angrily about the city’s rigid policies that favor LGBT’s and ban anyone who fails to openly support LGBT rights from conducting business within the city. Franklin appeared especially angry regarding the Class C misdemeanor charges levied against offenders.

He said, “”Without morals a republic cannot subsist any length of time; they therefore who are decrying the Christian religion, whose morality is so sublime and pure (and) which insures to the good eternal happiness, are undermining the solid foundation of morals, the best security for the duration of free governments. 

It cannot be emphasized too strongly or too often that this great nation was founded, not by religionists, but by Christians; not on religions, but on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. For this very reason peoples of other faiths have been afforded asylum, prosperity, and freedom of worship here.

I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just, that His justice cannot sleep forever.”

After bemoaning the fact that the First Amendment violation had occurred in one of the most conservative American states left, he said that such an atrocity was nearly unimaginable in the city that protects the Alamo, a symbol of freedom revered around the globe.

He then pulled a metal handrail out of the concrete, mangling it nearly beyond recognition with his bare hands.

After Franklin was escorted away in handcuffs, former first President George Washington stepped forward amid cries of Ninja! Ninja! and fielded questions from the remaining bystanders.

When asked what he thought about the new healthcare law, shopping for which just recently opened on the shopping comparison website healthcare.gov, Washington replied, “Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state an intolerable one.

We find the greedy hand of government thrusting itself into every corner and crevice of industry, and grasping the spoil of the multitude. Invention is continually exercised, to furnish new pretenses for revenues and taxation. It watches prosperity as its prey and permits none to escape without tribute.”

When one bystander pointed out that America was merely following the examples set by Canada and other socialist nations that take care of their citizens, Washington replied, “Hold on to the Constitution, for if the American Constitution should fail, there will be anarchy throughout the world.”

He added, “Every step we take towards making the State our Caretaker of our lives, by that much we move toward making the State our Master.

Then he quietly walked away.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Pork Flattens Rural Protestor After Purchase Mandate Passes

Lake-Livingston-in-Background-Amber-FergusonHOUSTON (DDP) – Residents in the Crises Point subdivision of Lake Livingston, about 75-miles north of Houston, protested outside the entrance to the central clubhouse this morning after the governing board announced that both homeowners as well as renters would be required to own a minimum of two lots before the end of the fiscal year.

The mandate was passed after property values plummeted when an FHA appraiser discovered that 90 percent of existing homes within the subdivision had cracked slabs.

In a brief press conference held outside the entrance to the subdivision’s swimming pool, the lead member of the Crises Point exploratory committee, Future Opportunity to Raise Money Easily (FORCE), said, “After the disastrous effects the FHA report had on local property values, the resale potential for even unimproved lots was adversely affected.

“Local realtors were so taken aback that they removed current MLS postings from their databases; meanwhile, three of our property owners with current listings had pending contracts pulled right out from under their noses. Obviously, the board had to do something, lest we all suffer.

“To that end, FORCE determined that the most equitable way to increase property values was to mandate that subdivision renters, who do occasionally use the amenities here without paying anything directly to the board, purchase at least two lots immediately. Current property owners who already own at least two lots can simply keep their current ones, or exchange them for more agreeable locations.”

When asked if squatters currently residing in unoccupied rental cabins were affected by the mandate, the spokesperson replied, “Of course not. We certainly can’t force anyone who isn’t supposed to be here to abide by our rules. They made that clear when they reinstated me as board president during our last election.”

Signs the protestors carried featured slogans such as: If I could afford to own two lots here, I’d already own two lots here and How can I afford this when you keep raising the MUD taxes.

When the Depressed caught up to one protestor, whose sign read Take your lakefront lots and shove it, we asked him what he meant by such a vague statement.

He said, “I was going to keep the two lakefront lots I already own, because they told us that we didn’t have to exchange them unless we found better ones. I just recently found out that I have to switch my lakefront property for two weedy interior options instead. What’s worse is that the board members with lakefront spots get to keep theirs. How can this be fair?”

Before the Depressed could explain to him that we understood FORCE was only there to help him, a noticeably obese pig suddenly fell from the sky and knocked the man senseless.

© Amber Ferguson

There is no Crises Point subdivision on Lake Livingston.

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Pigs Fly

Pigs-Fly-News-Spoof-by-Amber-FergusonWASHINGTON DC (DDP) – In yet another unnatural natural event, pigs across the globe flew yesterday, forcing people as remotely located as Antarctica to keep promises they never thought they’d have to fulfill.

The worst impact seems to have occurred in the American southern states.

Reports of mothers-in-law being respected in both North and South Carolina continue to shock the nation; in Mississippi, at least 40,000 out of work sons-in-law are seeking gainful employment and losing weight.

Angry mobs in Georgia and Alabama have been organizing on their respective state capitols’ steps since Saturday, protesting the state’s slow response to the tragedy; however, in Texas, Governor Rick Perry is already urging Texans to weigh down their donkeys.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, Perry said, “We’re trying to head off further calamity by responding proactively. I’m safe as long as pigs are the only beasts affected, but if those donkeys soar off too, I’ll personally have to spend Thanksgiving with my wife’s family. Now that would be a very serious unnatural natural disaster!”

Although the Fellowship of Opinionated Lady Earth Disciples (FOOLED) immediately posted a message on its website blaming the event on extreme global warming, environmentalists testifying before Congress in an emergency session are holding fast to their previous assertion that Mother Nature is behind the gravitational disruption.

Meanwhile, though blogs across the southern states of the U.S. reflect growing concern that donkeys might indeed be next, globally, blogs seem to indicate a more widespread fear that hell might freeze over.

In response, Mike Huckabee, a practicing Christian and former Arkansas governor, issued a short press release, in which he said, “As I said before: I just can’t get behind the ‘Mother Nature’ theory [Christians believe in a ‘Father God’]; however, I also want to reiterate that, though the Bible never says pigs will fly, if God wants them to fly, don’t plan on buying any more bacon for awhile.”

The press release concluded, “Unfortunately, I can promise you that hell isn’t going to freeze over.”

To dispel the growing fear that the U.S. is in conflict with Mother Nature, a Congressional spokesperson held a brief press conference this morning, during which he said, “Look, we’re still not sure if there’s a sentient being behind this new unnatural natural event or not, because the problem may have actually begun when some Idaho potato farmers fed their pigs green potatoes.

“But, if there is actually a sentient being, she may be doing us a favor. Washington was going to have to tax the bacon and pork sausage industries out of existence anyway, because there’s no way we’re going to be able to build a perfectly healthy society if Americans keep eating poisonous substances like that.

“That said, we are currently working on a $150 billion bailout bill with Congress to save the pork chop and ham industries. It’s up to us here in Washington to make sure there’s a big dose of pork in everything the American people consume.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Electronic Arts Announces Latest SIMS Game Will Feature American Elected Representatives

Fired-the-Shot-Heard-Round-the-World-Amber-FergusonWASHINGTON, D.C. (DDP) – Popular Video Game Publisher Electronic Arts (EA) has announced a new edition of its popular Sims franchise, this one featuring American Congressional representatives. It’s title, “The SIMS US Version: Taxation With Representation?,” has already been criticized by some members of Congress.

The Sims is part of the “god game” genre in the video gaming industry. Players design and control virtually every aspect of the playable characters’ worlds, from their clothing, to their housing, to their actual personalities and behavior.

The fictional characters react with each other and their environments naturally, subject to the player’s desired level of interference. For example, within the game’s fictional Washington, the characters can schedule Caribbean vacations, spa treatments, private catered parties, or even terminate an employee in order to hire a more attractive one, just as in “real” life.

In this latest version of the game, a player is given the choice to allow the Congressional characters to vote as they would in the actual world, or to intervene in the fictional world and cause Congress to vote in ways the player best sees fit.

Although EA has announced it will not release the game until November, preorder estimates now exceed a hundred million. An anonymous spokesperson for Electronic Arts told the Depressed in an exclusive telephone interview that people who wanted to go back in time and replay the Obamacare vote had placed approximately 85 percent of the preorders.

The game comes with a new “voice recognition” feature, which players may upload onto their existing gaming devices. Once the upgrade is installed, players may pontificate for as long as they desire. Online play includes the option to filibuster.

In an exclusive telephone interview with the Depressed, an anonymous spokesperson for EA admitted that the game’s lead developers had originally intended to include a brief tutorial to introduce the original Constitution; however, after beta testers indicated that the American public wasn’t really interested, the developers omitted all references to historical facts.

He said, “The original Founding Fathers had some kind of weird mistrust of government. When you really get into the Bill of Rights, it’s almost like it was written to protect the people from federal control.

“Meanwhile, although gamers tend to be geeky but intelligent public school kids, our beta testers complained that they were having particular trouble understanding Amendment IV. By the time the tutorial got to Amendment X, several of the students complained it was so incomprehensible that they quit in frustration.

“And they kept asking us why the amendment that protects the government from religion was.”

The Depressed has since learned that a planned IRS audit of EA has been cancelled.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

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Scientists Announce Potentially Fatal Cure for the Common Cold

The-Disassociated-Depressed-Cure-for-the-Common-Cold

WASHINGTON, D.C. (DDP) – In a brief press conference this morning, lead researchers for the Scientists Instituting Chemicals Kindly (SICK), which was created after the new healthcare mandate was recently upheld as Constitutional by the Supreme Court, announced they have created a vaccine to prevent the common cold.

The lead scientist at the press event opened by explaining that Congress had commissioned them to cure every disease known to mankind by 2014, so that it could use the healthcare tax dollars to provide mandatory mental heath screenings to every American instead.

He said, “We were commissioned to cure the common cold first because Congress anticipated that everyone who currently treats it with simple bed rest and chicken soup will go to the doctor when each visit is free.

“Congress was initially against this vaccine because it could cause a reduction in revenues from the chicken tax , which it intends to raise to 45 percent after requiring all Americans to stop eating red meat as part of a mandated healthy diet. After we told Congress we could use chicken blood in the vaccines and no tax revenue would be lost, they fully funded the project.

“As a result, we’ve created a vaccine that makes the recipient 100-percent immune to the common cold as long as it doesn’t kill the patient first.”

He then proceeded to list the potential side effects that include, but are not necessarily limited to, the following:

  • A desire to mew at the moon
  • Foaming at the ears
  • Color blindness
  • Loss of ability to add two plus two
  • The inability to stop reciting the multiplication tables
  • A sudden urge to play strip poker with the checkout person at Walmart
  • An urge to peck puppies
  • Hair growth that may exceed 15 feet
  • The ability to turn everything one touches into garlic powder
  • A tendency toward insanity that could cause you to become a writer and/or blogger
  • A desire to listen to disco music
  • A tendency to write love letters to the GEICO gecko after midnight, without being able to recall the event the next day
  • Spontaneous combustion

When the Depressed asked if the chicken blood was the ingredient that caused the potentially harmful effects, he replied that SICK didn’t know.

He then said, “A chicken vaccine alone wasn’t effective at eliminating the common cold in every test subject; however, when we added a mixture of herbicides and pesticides, we found it killed just about anything.

“In fact, it costs the government over a thousand dollars per dose to produce the vaccinations because it requires a hermetically sealed laboratory and a hazmat team to prevent deadly vapors inside the initial mixture from leaking into the air.”

When the Depressed asked why it was acceptable to induce the chemical cocktail into humans but not into the air, the scientist initially looked surprised.

He then replied, “Because that would be bad for the environment, of course.”

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.