Congress Considering Sanctions Against Mother Nature

WASHINGTON DC. (DDP) – Congress convened for an emergency session this morning to discuss sanctions against Mother Nature after several recent unnatural natural events.

Congress and the rest of a shocked Washington D.C. population woke up Monday morning to a strawberry-pink sky, while residents in Napa Valley were awakened by roosters sporting garish pale blue feathers. Meanwhile, 94 percent of the potatoes grown in Idaho have turned lime green since Sunday.

Environmental experts testified before a bipartisan committee that Mother Nature might have been offended when Congress canceled the weather along with the season of autumn, and she is attempting to retaliate.

In a brief press conference shortly after the emergency session, a Congressional spokesperson said, “Congress was unaware that nature is sentient. It thought that nature was simply a force of … I mean, it didn’t really think there was actually a thinking Being behind it all.

“Congress certainly did not mean to offend anyone, whether he, she, or it is capable of intelligent thought or not; however, if that being is going to get huffy with America, we have no choice but to retaliate. If anything weird happens again, Congress will have no choice but to impose strict sanctions.”

The spokesperson then briefly outlined several proposed actions it may use against Mother Nature that include limiting the amount of oxygen she has to work with, and tightening her access to clean water.

Several propositions being considered by Congress include:

• Requiring California and other entities with strict emissions restrictions to reverse and/or nullify existing air quality laws.
• A 10 billion dollar stimulus package for the oil and gas industry, with a binding requirement that at least a hundred unstable refineries be built along the Gulf Coast within a 48-month period.
• A 50 million dollar stimulus package for the Idaho potato farmers affected by the green potato attack, with a requirement that they must burn their potato farms by December 15, 2013 by dousing them in gas and throwing in a lit match.
• A 5 million dollar stimulus package for the tire industry, with a requirement that all used tires henceforth be burned on the highest, nearest mountain peak.

Also being considered:

• Legislation requiring all 50 states to use the U.S. lakes and rivers system as their dump grounds.
• Encouraging children, through public school educational programs, as well as public service announcements, to begin peeing in public swimming pools.
• An additional 10 million dollar stimulus package for the oil and gas industry, with a binding requirement that at least 10 percent of the oil obtained from the Gulf Coast be spilled into the closest ocean.
• A 25 million dollar stimulus package for the maple syrup industry in the Northeast, with a binding requirement that half of the syrup be emptied into Boston Harbor.

He then added, “While Congress realizes these measures may be environmentally harmful, the situation should be only temporary. To combat any possible ill effects, Congress will commandeer the nation’s entire corn supply while the auto manufacturers make vehicles that run on 100 percent ethanol gasoline only.”

Former Arkansas governor and Presidential contender Mike Huckabee, a practicing Christian, held a widely-attended press conference to discuss his views on the unnatural natural events, as well as the nation’s response.

He said, “Though I agree with the concept of a sentient Being behind nature, I just can’t agree it’s a ‘Mother.’ [Christians believe in a ‘Father God.’] There’s certainly no Biblical text that says God will actually turn the sky paisley, but if He wanted to, He could do so without even speaking a word.”

The Fellowship of Opinionated Lady Earth Disciples (FOOLED) then posted this press announcement late Tuesday on its website:

“While we do not currently wish to take a position on the Father God vs. Mother Nature debate, we do want to point out that this unnatural natural disaster is actually a natural result of our human presence infestating and polluting the earth. ”

The announcement continued: “That said, FOOLED is willing to eschew our usual stance against harming our precious Earth until Congress can control natural events.”

Gas prices rose soon after the leak was published. Stock in Kool Aid rose sharply in early trading Wednesday.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

Congress Cancels the Weather

WASHINGTON DC (DDP) — Because it might interfere with national media coverage of President Obama, Congress has cancelled the weather.

In a typically partisan press conference late yesterday, Democrat President Barack Obama, along with other prominent Party members, called upon the Senate to follow in the footsteps of the House and vote in favor of the cancellation.

“Hurricanes distract people enough,” President Obama said. “But when you combine those coming this summer with blizzards or wildfires or droughts, the media just can’t seem to stay focused on my plan to turn American into a socialist nation. You know, so we can be just like Great Britain, who we once rebelled against.”

California Representative Diane Feinstein agreed. “It’s a shocking situation. Just last month, only two AP reporters showed up when California tried to prosecute a homeschooling mother. And, so help me, they were interns. All because of a few little snowstorms, and some other small unusual weather events.”

Obama concurred. “The American people do not want to be distracted from admiring one of the most important Presidents in our nation’s history by any additional weather.”

Democrat Minority Speaker Nancy Pelosi of California helped push the measure through the House last Friday, claiming, “If the majority of the House won’t do something to stop nature then we will.”

In a short speech after the vote, fellow party member Sheila Jackson-Lee of Texas agreed. “If the American people want to see ice, they can buy an icetray. If they want air, they can turn on a fan. If this Congress were more in tune with the American people they claim to lead, they would understand that.”

Fuel prices soured immediately after the resolution was passed.

Several Republicans jumped sides of the aisle and voted in favor of the measure after an amendment to cancel autumn itself was added.

The amendment is the most controversial aspect of the bill. A new poll published by the Wall Street Journal and Forbes reflects a significant number of Americans are unhappy with the cancellation of autumn. Sixty-eight percent of respondents believe the measure will carry over into winter, resulting in no Santa Claus this year.

President Obama held a held a five-star, lobster and champagne reception after the press conference where he told admiring reporters, “If this measure passes the Senate, I will sign it. The American people expect this government to control their seasonings. I mean seasons.”

Several partygoers reported that the President’s food taster was on site, and that the President dined alongside his guests.

Former Vice President and Presidential contender Al Gore is currently conducting research regarding the effects of the resolution on global warming. When the Depressed caught up to him outside the Capital, he said, “If we can get the European Union to come on board with us, we just might have something. As soon as we download the latest version of PowerPoint, I’ll get back to you.”

The Senate is expected to pass the resolution.

© Amber Ferguson

This blog is solely a product of the author’s imagination. It is a spoof. It is fiction. It did not happen and is meant for entertainment purposes only. Please see the It’s a Spoof Page for more information.

This column was previously published in the Huntsville Item, The Daily Mooch, and New Christian Voices and the original Disassociated Depressed blogs. It has been updated for the current political climate. Copyright retained by the author.